I guess I’ll write something, just to get it out. Suicide. I’m not sure I really desire suicide, I’m kind of just like this one person’s story I just read. Floating in between the lines of life and death. Not really wanting to die, but just wanting to disappear and have everyone forget about me. I’m kind of confused about myself.
Let’s see… about me. Their hasn’t really been any major incident in my life. I guess I was bullied by this one kid when I was young, but I’m kind of over it – just when I hear his name or see him I want to be left alone. But everything is fine now because he goes to a different school. I guess I should say I’m 16 and a guy. Let’s see. I have a good family and a good life. My parents get along and my three siblings are nice. I’m especially comfortable with my younger brother(12). I live in a safe community and go to a good high school. I have a decent amount of friends. So… Why. Why am I like this?
My personality is quiet I guess. I’m not outgoing and I don’t really try. But for some reason, I can get straight As and be on the varsity Waterpolo team. I’m not sure where I get the willpower to do it. Cause with normal tasks, I barely have the willpower to move, nonetheless life and maintain a personality. Honestly, life is exhausting. I guess that’s why I was to disappear and have everyone forget about me.
I also dislike myself, not hate myself, but just dislike. I use to slash up my arms and legs with scissors, but I didn’t really find any pleasure in it so I stopped. I’m just so disappointed in how half-assed I am. I’m not quite normal, but I’m not quite different. I’m not quite a person who hates games but I’m not quite a gamer. I feel like I’m not really involved I’m anything. I’m just floating in the neutral zone. I used to want to join the navy and be in the eod(they go around and defuse bombs and stuff) by now I realize that that was probably just because I wanted to be part of something. I kind of just wanted to have a purpose and die for someone. But in my world, everything is sugar-coated and I’ll never get an opportunity. I guess I just want to do something, to escape this boring, perfect life I have. Sometimes I wish I could swap with someone struggling and suffering, cause after that struggling, I’ll be able to have an interesting life. I guess deep inside, something tells me that I’ll never have that opportunity, so that makes me want to disappear.
I guess I’ll steal the words of one of the stories I had just read, but “I feel broken” and I feel like I have no reason to be broken. I don’t know, I just don’t have a desire to continue living the perfect life that has been given to me. And I feel bad, people are living miserable lives and have pasts on a completely different level than yours, so why r u falling apart.
I don’t know. I feel out of place. The people around my are busy working on their trivial tasks in life, and I’m just there.
Ps. Sorry for being so disorganized. It’s my fault that I didn’t really think and just started writing. Sorry for your trouble to anyone who chooses to waste time reading my lame story.
I guess I want to disappear am have everyone forget me to save them from the trouble of helping me.
2 comments
Crap, now looking through other posts… Sorry it’s so long, u don’t have to read it.
First of all, your post isn’t even all that long, and you can write whatever you wish. It’s what this place is for.
Comparing to others is kind of pointless in any case – their problems and struggles are theirs to deal with regardless of how bad or good others have it. Just because someone else has it worse, or has it better, doesn’t make a difference to them personally or has an impact on anything in their lives.
Maybe right now you’re confused and can’t really find something you feel like putting your whole effort in, but maybe later on you’ll find something you would actually really want to be doing.
It’s kind of creepy, watching people all around being busy with things that to us seem so silly and unimportant but maybe their thought proccess is just different.
I’m sure you have no reason to dislike yourself. Even if you’re feeling lost now, you might find something, or someone, that would help you find your way or your purpose.
Maybe there’s something out there for you to take part in and you just haven’t found it yet.