Hopeless.. but trying to bread

it’s my first time that i write personal things about me in a site or a blog. of course the identity is unknown so it’s okay. there’s so many things i want to talk about ..that i feel deep down.. i wish my heart could speak for me.. cause sometimes words doesn’t describe the true feelings of a person.. but at less it gives you the opportunity to express yourself a little bit.. long time ago words used to make feel better.. expressing myself i mean but unfortunately not anymore ..maybe a little bit like i said.. but i feel like this pain is growing.. since i had problems with my family.. i guess i never had a normal childhood and now i’m sure that i’m not living a normal adolescence.. i think it’s great to be not normal.. but it would be better if you choose that and not being obliged.. i guess it’s too late to talk about that now.. i wish ooooh i wish if maybe i could just have normal problems you know like with a boyfriend or with your friends which i have bytheway but even though thanks to the things that i’ve through those probs are not normal.. you see how complicated things are ..or how i make them even complicated.. me wishing to die to just end this pain in my heart ..thinking of suicie billions and billions of times but being afraid of Allah since i’m a musluman and also knowing that it makes me even weaker .. i have dreams you know maybe big ones but my sister tells me that dream big so that you can have at less some of it.. love you bia.. one of the reasons that helps me to survive.. i wish i could go somewhere so far and never come back and go back to my boyfriend that i wanted so much to marry him when he finish his studies.. maybe this would seem ridiculous but i wanted that so much.. i feel like there’s so many things inside of me that needs to be solved ..i’m surviving now and holding myself to life and hoping that oneday Allah will make it up for me.. maybe the title name is hopeless but the situation that i am in now is too much for me and i’m trying to survive..