i just don’t understand..

so my life started to begin to turn into hell when i reached the age of 4. my mom, who is asian (I’m not being racist, I’m saying that our culture heavily emphasizes the importance of education to the point its life or death, and i think that there is a limit but not according to my family.) introduced me to a tutor. i know that it doesn’t sound bad, but i promise you, its hell. I’m not the kid who complains about homework, not at all. as my life progressed, my family was a prideful family. too prideful. for example, when my brother started to get into drugs and things like that, my mom started crying and saying how other people will think of her. no, she didn’t care for the fact why he started doing drugs, only caring about her appearance. now, i also have to include that my mother made all of my other siblings (a 18 year old brother, and a 24 year old brother) go to tutor. they quit after a couple years, and my 24 year old brother quit college after tbe first year, and my 18 year old brother started skipping school and doing drugs. those all started to happen after going to tutor. my mom doesn’t see that. in fact, she wants me to do longer hours (currently I’m going 5 days a week, 4 hours a day, $60 a minute)because she thinks the reason why that happened  to them is because she didn’t make them do longer hours, so now i have the greatest pressure on my shoulders into pleasing them. i matured much too early for my age. i saw the purity in my 18 year old brother. one time i stumbled upon his rap book and it contained all of his biggest wishes and suicidal thoughts and hardships. i don’t know what he went through, but i completely understand some of the pain. we don’t talk, because when i was about 8 years old i “tattled” to my dad of him bothering me and my dad suddenly threw a fit and chased my brother around the house with a huge bamboo stick. my brother told me to stay in the room and close the door. i cried and cried until i heard silence. i know that that event is scarred in my brothers mind forever, and for that i am truly sorry. my dad broke my brothers wrist, and i also must say that my dad beat my other 24 year old brother with a thick bamboo stick when he disliked his choice of his current girlfriend. i can’t explain in words how much i feel sorrow for my 18 year old brother. he went through so much mental pain, and i am willing to give my life up in order for him to live in a world of happiness in joy. when i reached the age of 10 (5th grade) my mother and my tutor thought about which college I’m going to and what job i was going to have. they wanted me to become a lawyer or a doctor, and none of those i wanted to do. i think my mom is living vicariously through me, and i sacrificed my whole childhood for her own pleasure and appearance. my tutor forced me to do all these school activities, such as spelling bees and math counts and so forth. when i didn’t get into math counts my mom gave me a disappointed look and said that i was a mistake. i told her i did my 100% and my best, but she denied it and said that i didn’t try hard enough. when i was 12, one day my mom and i got into an argument about tutor and it ended with her saying that she wished she had a better daughter and said i wasn’t good enough. that was also the age i began thinking of suicidal thoughts and depression. whenever i heard kids saying “omg my parents are taking me to dinner after school” or “yay schools over!!” i fill up with anger and sadness. i never felt the feeling of school being over and going home to a family of kind parents who appreciate you for who you are. instead, i was depressed whenever school ended, meaning for a whole other hours of pain. my tutor is the type of person who is nice around parents and the people providing them with money, but when left around with me, she insults me and makes me feel worse than i already am. she says that I’m the worst student she ever had and should try harder and stop looking all depressed all the time. one time, i had to stay there until 3 am studying for a spelling bee. I’m much too afraid of telling my parents that i should stop tutor, because i am afraid of what they will do to me. i just want to be in a family who respects you and appreciates you and goes to school with a normal life. my grandmother is also asian, and thinks that she should get everything she wants at the snap of her finger. i live with my grandparents most of the time because my parents work, and my grandmother insults, hits, and abuses my grandfather every second of the day. she thinks that because she “takes care of us” she should get free vacation, free food, everything. one time i overheard her say that she should get paid for “working” (which is basically nothing because she literally does nothing except demand and sit around the house all day). she said that being here wasn’t out of love and care but only for getting free stuff. my grandmother abuses me time to time when i disagree with one of the things she said. she’s always angry when she doesn’t get what she wants and blames everything on me. for example, i was getting picked up from tutor and she got a flat tire and blamed it on me. now i think that everything is truly my fault and think that if i was gone from this world, everyone would be so much happier. my family also heavily emphasizes respect. they think because they’re older than me, they can do anything they want with me. they have insulted me, abused me, treated me like a slave, and i have grown up to think that i can’t do anything to defend myself because they’re elders and i have to “respect” them. however, i saw this on the internet once and it completely changed my thoughts. “the term ‘respect your elders’ is so stupid all it does is keep youth from questioning things that the older generation is doing wrong. respect is earned, not assured. I’m not going to give my respect to somebody who believes my very existence should be illegal.” i had a couple anxiety attacks before, and still have them time to time, and everytime, my family says “get over it” and t stop acting like an annoying brat. i am still afraid of what i will become in the future but hope that its at least even a tiny bit better than who i am now.