I’m not strong enough for this.

I’m an invalid, sick in bed every day with terrible pain. After surgeries and painful experiments, all the doctors can suggest is to take me off my painkillers and just see what happens, if anything. Which will help how, now? I can’t keep house, I can’t go out, I can’t make love. I can just lie here and weep. This illness has taken away my career, my house, most all of my friends, and my ability to enjoy most anything.

My mother has cancer and her chances aren’t good. I’m too ill to care for her, and even too ill to drive down to visit her. My mother-in-law has dementia and is in a rage with everyone and everything. My husband works very late every day and spends several evenings a week and some weekends with her. Which wouldn’t be so bad, but I need help desperately myself.

I’m trying to find in-home help, but my disability doesn’t allow for much money for this. I just got an email from a would-be caretaker saying I need too much help with too many things, and I’m not offering enough hours/pay. With an implication that I’m unreasonable and ridiculous. It made me cry. No, lady, I’m just desperate.

My garden died; I’m too ill to water it. My house is a complete mess; I haven’t had a helper in over a month. My dog hasn’t been on a walk for weeks. I haven’t filed a bill or medical paper or anything for months. There are just huge piles of paper everywhere. And just to add insult to injury, whenever I start crying, my dog gets up and leaves the room.

I’ve been struggling with thoughts of suicide for years. It just keeps going on and things keep getting worse. And I keep getting sicker.

My husband and my niece are all I’m staying here for. But it is just so damn hard and I don’t know how much longer I can take it.