It’s been … Around 3 days since I stopped taking my medication.. I’ve been feeling really lightheaded throughout the day and I guess it’s something normal? I stopped because I dont think it’s doing any good to me or changing any thoughts of suicide and self harm. Of course my family and doctors don’t know that I’ve stopped, but my family has noticed me not feeling too good so I just told them the truth that I’ve been having some headaches and feeling lightheaded and whatnot but they don’t really give it too much thought. I’m going back to lying to my friends and family as you can see and honestly … It feels like home … I missed being alone and not talking to people. I have a few projects ahead of me in my life and I’m planning on doing them before I attempt suicide again .. Hopefully it’ll work this time and I won’t have to go to the psych ward … Again ..
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Do you mind if I ask what kind of meds you take? Depression? Anxiety? Mood stabilzers? The only reason I ask is because you might not see a difference but other people do. You don’t realize your meds work until you are down in the dumps again.
I personally have bi polar, manic depression, agrophobia anxiety and I grew up with a father who has bi polar 1, manic depression, schizophrenia, the list goes on for him. However, I can notice when he doesn’t take his meds. He doesn’t notice that he is obvious about not taking his meds. It’s all in our head. We feel better, or maybe even not as much as we expected, and our brain says “what’s the use of this anymore? I’m totally fine or everything still sucks”. Honestly, I have to take care of him before myself because he doesn’t like to take his meds. And trust me, I friggin hate taking pills and yeah some times I don’t think they work. In all honesty they do more than you think. It’s also very dangerous to stop taking meds cold turkey. Please talk to your doctor first. You might not be on the right ones.
I get what you’re saying as far as lying, though. I lie all of the time about how I’m doing. It’s pretty messed up but some times I chuckle to myself after work because I can so easily fool everyone into thinking I’m a happy go lucky person but then I bawl my eyes out when I get home and start planning out how I am going to kill myself. When I tell people how I feel, I get judged. And it’s because no one understands how our brains work or the feelings we feel. So, I feel more comfortable lying to people about how happy I am or how sad I might be. And being by myself in misery is more of a home than me being out with friends and being a normal adult.
I also want to add that I think it’s great that you have some project you want to accomplish before you decide to leave this shit place. I obviously don’t know what they are or how good or bed they may be, but let me tell you something….it’s better to have an idea of something than to have no idea at all. That’s what I struggle with. I have not a clue of anything to work towards and that’s what is literally killing me.
Good luck to you my friend. Which ever way your path takes you will eventually be filled with peace or joy. You get to choose. And neither choice is wrong.
Excuse my typos. Haha. I’m on my phone and auto correct is a jerk. -_-
Hi, I really appreciate your comment. It’s weird to get used to find people who can finally understand what I’ve been feeling or thinking about … or at least something we all can relate.
I’m currently only on Zoloft since it’s supposed to help with my depression and some of my anxiety but I don’t think my family has noticed any change in me sine it hasn’t been to long since I stopped taking them but they way you describe your father acting if he doesn’t take his meds makes sense. I also grew up with a depressive and bipolar father and a couple of years he also got on Zoloft an you could tell the difference on his way of acting during the day. He doesn’t live with us. He lives back in my home country with his fiancee and her son and their new daughter together (which makes her my half sister) and well whenever we used to talk on the phone or even over texts it was quite obvious, but eve since I had my suicide attempt he flew down here and that’s when I found out he was finally taking meds and seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist.
Mostly the plans I have for the next couple of months is going to a concert with one of my close friends, which we’ve been waiting for it to come for the last 5 months and then I plan on visiting my bestfriend up at her university and well after that … I have not much to look forward to haha.
It is kinda sad when you used to have all these plans for the future but then it hits you … right … not gonna happen.. but at the same time … we won’t have to deal with the pain anymore and keep faking. And don’t worry about typos. I made the post on my phone too so there might have some typos as well and I haven’t even checked haha