Soul tired

I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember. I suppose it really started somewhere in Junior High but being a surviver of some pretty horrific abuse, who really knows. I have severe Bipolar Disorder. I am not depressed now and rarely do I cycle that way. When I do its feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness & an earthshattering urge to sleep. I don’t get sad. I feel a level of pain that is indescribable & that no one should ever have to feel. Mostly throughout my life though I have been manic. Not that manic that gives you amazing self confidence, a feeling of being able to accomplish anything, extreme productivity and no need for sleep because energy is flying out your ass you have so much of it. I feel that sometimes but rarely. I have the mania that causes extreme irritability, a very short fuse and rage that is like jumping on a runaway train. I am saying & doing things that I absolutely can’t stop until the train comes to a rest.I am sure I am right & usually being persecuted somehow. Everything I have ever touched I have hurt: causing great pain to those who are most important in my life. Dealing with everyone I have ever loved leaving me. I swear none of this is self pity or said for dramatic purposes. I am 48 years old. My quality of life has been ruined over & over by this disease. And I am tired all the way down to my soul. Right now I am stable on medication that is working. But I will plateau on these meds probably in about 4 years and the madness returns until the right med combo can be reached. This last time I was rapid cycling for 4 years. If I had a form of cancer that was as severe as my Bipolar, I would have people flying me to Norway. I am completely in my right mind. I do not want to die today. I want to make arrangements to be euthanized when my disease returns, before it gets too bad. I want/need the right to have a doctor help me because dammit I have suffered enough & deserve a peaceful end as we all do. But here in the States you have to be terminally ill. How bout terminally crazy? When I am at my worse I do not trust my thinking & I do not trust anyone else either. I have been psychotic at least once where I saw ghosts, lots of ghosts. So many I thought the veil had torn. I am of above average intelligence & I don’t want to go mad any longer. The laws have to be changed…