I’ve been feeling suicidal for the best part of 3 months now, but the last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult.
I feel like the thoughts are controlling me rather than me being in control of them.
Before, I was thinking, oh i’ll do THIS and THIS is when i’ll do it etc etc.
But recently I’ve been struck by impulsive thoughts where I feel if I drift off for that second too long that I’ll jump in front of a car. I parked my car at work yesterday morning, then found myself stood against the wall of the car park leaning over wondering if I jumped would the height be enough to kill me.
I zoned back in again and toddled off to work in a daze.
I know I want to die but the concern is that I will do something impulsive and probably end up surviving. I’m still under the crisis team but it’s hard to know what will help right now. Staying in a crisis house isn’t really an option as I have felt this way for so long it’s not much that a stay somewhere for a few days would be helped by. – I’ve felt suicidal on and off for 10 years, and attempted twice in the past, meaning this isn’t really an “acute crisis” that could be helped by me being monitored somewhere. (Still not sure how I feel about this – makes me feel a bit past being helped!).
I don’t know…..I want to die but I’m so scared I’ll survive it or get to that bridge and just sit there frozen, instead of jumping off.
🙁 It’s a nightmare.
5 comments
I know what you mean about the impulsive thoughts. It’s always worrying that they might take control of you in a situation where you could end up worse off. Are you sure being monitored might not be helpful while you’re worried about what you might do? You said you’ve been struck by impulsive thoughts only recently.
I realise it’s harder to find, but there is help out there for chronically suicidal people too. I don’t think you’ll be past being helped.
I’m sorry you feel like the thoughts are controlling you. I hope the crisis team can help you out with some of this. To some extent I know the nightmare you are going through, and I hope all of this gets easier soon.
i get where u re coming from.suggest not doing it on impulse though…
Thanks Trix. Yeah I guess maybe. It’s hard because I’m struggling to think rationally right now, when I say things like months/years etc it’s often a wild guess because im not thinking clearly.
So I’m unsure how long the impulsive thoughts have been there for. (Or to be more specific how long I have felt out of control of my impulsive thoughts, as they are there a lot)
I guess my concern is that if I stay somewhere they will never let me out. 🙁
Yeah, I can understand that. I don’t think there’s any need to worry about never being let out. Have you mentioned the impulsive thoughts to the crisis team?
Yeah , I’m back again Friday morning so will explain more to them then. They just said it’s common in people with borderline personality disorder. Which is even more frustrating ha. It shouldn’t be anyone’s normal to feel this way.