Regarding my last post, and the whole tumblr situation. I seem to have lost my two best friends. I’d had these friends (my only friends) for 4, nearing 5 years. They had stuck by me through everything. Following this quarrel with my guy ‘friend’, I seem to have taken my anger out on them, and now they’re gone.
I feel terrible. Nothing could go much worse right about now. The two people in the whole world that could make me happy no matter what had happened are gone. I’ve lost them. I pushed them away. I ruined things for myself.
I have quite literally burned down everything I had. My posts are all near enough the same. I update on fallings out with so called ‘friends’. Childish, I know, but I’ve genuinely had my heart broken multiple times by friends and I’m only 15. The people that impact my life the most are my friends and they always have done in a good way, but now I’m causing things including them to impact my life too. I’m ruining it for myself. I’m making it all worse m y s e l f.
Thinking about my self and my own well being all the time has caused for me to not realise how badly I treated my best friends and how I took advantage of them. One of my friends is really not okay. I know for a fact she isn’t okay and I want to help her, I really fucking do, but she doesn’t open up to me. I’m not surprised to be frank, but I really wish she did. I’ve spoken to her about it previously but I get excuse after excuse, she should know by know that I know her well enough to know whether she is okay or not.
I just don’t know if I could cope if she did something bad and I hadn’t been able to help. I will have been my fault bc I knew she wasn’t okay and I did fuck all.
-SC
6 comments
Having been a 15 year old who held my cards tightly to my chest I can attest that just you being there is helping her. I never spoke of anything that went on in my hellish home but found comfort in the fact that my friends were there for me. Which is really all you can do, just be there for her.
That wont do much good anymore considering she highly disliked me now. I’m making every attempt to make things right but she isn’t allowing it. I’m hoping its not because she hates me but I don’t at the same time, because a while ago I took a bad turn and I pushed everyone away, and that exactly what shes doing. Thinking back to what was on my mind in that moment in time terrifies me in case that’s whats going through her mind too. She doesn’t deserve it. I’m scared.
You’re scared she is going to do something rash?
Yeah. I’m scared shes hating herself, hurting herself, thinking about doing so or even thinking about worse. Id never forgive myself, I don’t even think id end up living to see whether i forgave myself or not.
The best you can do is just let her know you are there for her in a non obtrusive way. A private way that doesn’t make her feel awkward. If she is pulling away she indeed may be in pain. I don’t have any easy answers about this. I think many people are like injured animals when they hurt, they crawl away to lick their wounds.
Thanks for the advice. I guess Ill just keep letting her know that o matter what the situation Ill always be here for her