I hate feeling so incredibly happy at the start of the day only to feel so down by the end of it.
I woke up yesterday feeling hopeful about a new day. Listening to upbeat music and making good breakfast. After previous night’s failed attempt, I felt a little better about myself and thought that maybe everything’s gonna be alright.
I met up with my bestfriend before going to school, to atleast calm my nerves and reduce anxiety. She told me how she got extra money as educational assistance from the local gov’t, I was pretty excited about it too since I could use the money. (tbh i was planning to spend it on a concert ticket of my favorite group, i’ve never been to a concert and it’s also their first time to visit our country. it was actually my last wish, and hopefully i could hold on ’til i fulfill it). And when we went to the mall, I saw the album I had been planning to buy before, they’ve restocked it thankfully but I didn’t have my money with me so I thought I’d just come back another day. Overall, I had a good time with her.
Then everything came crashing down when I got to school. I first went to the faculty to talk to my teacher about my absences. It went well. Then I headed to our classroom. And then this guy (well, he’s gay but yeah) started making loud obnoxious jokes about being lesbian and all that, and glances at me, they were obviously talking about me. People in school always assume that I’m a lesbian because I’m always with my bestfriend, and I’m not really the girly-girl type. And maybe because of how I look. It’s really just frustrating, I even questioned my own sexuality because of this, I could be bi at most but not really a full-on lesbian. I like guys but I never open up to my friends about my crushes and all. And add that to the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’ve never even experienced courting. And what’s more interesting is he himself is gay, and is attacking people who he assumes to be gay as well.
In our country, being gay is more socially accepted than being a lesbian. Maybe because we have lots of gay media personalities. I’m not homophobic but sometimes their jokes cross the line for me.
And also they’re making fun of my “sickness”. Nobody wanted to sit beside me or even near me in class. So I just moved to the seat at the back. My sickness is getting worse than ever, and its making life much difficult for me. My mom nags me for acting like a child, and not taking my studies seriously, but she doesn’t even understand how my sickness greatly affects me. I fail to do well in school because of my classmates and their reaction towards me. My mom always says that she’s tired of me. Well, my main reason for staying through all of this was her, and now she just gave me one more reason to end it.
I just hate my fucking life and end it tonight, I don’t care about anything at all. Pain is all I feel and it’s killing me. Hope I’d be successful.
7 comments
I’m going to assume you’re in highschool because of the details I got from it. Highschool was really the hardest part of my life for me and the people around you don’t really help because people don’t really have a full understanding of things because the maturity level is so low. It got to the point where I wanted to kill myself and almost accomplished it but now that I’m in my 3rd year of college, I’m really thankful that I didn’t. As soon as you hit college, it really is a second wind in life where you really discover who you are as a person and the people around you are usually great. There’s always gonna be dumbasses in the world, you just have to do your best to put this beside you. I know how hard being lonely is but if you make it through this, it’s only going to get better. You’re young and even though we might think we understand a lot about the world, there really is so much out there for us to comprehend at all. I’m not telling you not to do it because at the end of the day it’s your decision, but there’s a reason it’s so hard to accomplish because our body is so against doing it because it knows that it gets better. Just look for the good in life and cherish those things to keep you going. You’re off to a good start by taking things a day at a time and trying to start off your days well, now build on it and it’ll pay off.
Can I ask what country you’re from? I’m curious. And that is me almost every day, waking up feeling a little hopeful and trying to make the best out of the day only to have it end with me feeling even more depressed than the day before because things don’t seem to be improving. So I definitely get how you feel. What is your sickness if you don’t mind? I’m sure you’re mom doesn’t mean it when she says that, everyone gets fed up and tired of the people in their life every now and then, doesn’t mean we don’t love them though 🙂
If your favorite group means that much to you maybe you can stick with that? Focus on them and how happy they make you. What group is it btw?? I am obsessed with so many groups/bands it’s crazy…lol
I changed my un btw.
I’m from the Philippines. I don’t know what my sickness is actually called, doctors can’t identify it. But it’s embarrassing flatulence. Like every 5 minutes.
I’m an obsessed KPop fangirl, I’ve pretty much dedicated most of my time for them, and it kinda helps me get through the day. EXO, Seventeen, Twice and a whole lot more. 😛
Oh you’re from the Philipphines, that’s cool! ^^ Isn’t there something the doctors can do about your condition? If it’s causing you so much problems?…and I can’t even imagine how it makes you feel emotionally. Stay strong though! Everyone’s got something.
And omg I used to LIVE for EXO, literally lol I got into kpop when I was in high school and now i’m in my 3rd year of college and the work and life got so stressful I haven’t really been keeping up. I saw EXO in concert 4 times and trust me, YOU HAVE TO SEE THEM IN PERSON! They are incredible. SHINee and BAP have always had my heart though <3 Sorry…I got a little carried away haha kpop will do that to you
I’m actually in 3rd year college too. Yeah, people can be immature. The bullying had started since grade school, and I’m glad I got friends with me to help me get through highschool. But now I feel so lonely, I only have one bestfriend with me. And it feels like they wanted to take it away from as well. I’ve lost all hope, self-confidence that I had. It’s all nothing now.
There’s things out there to help this. I go to a really small university but just getting involved I feel is the best thing you could do right now. The people who get involved are usually the mature people who are open and accepting although there’s gonna be the few ignorant people again. So join an organization, res life or whatever there is on campus to really get yourself out there. I was really reserved my first two years and started to feel real lonely but I finally got out there and got involved and I’ve met some really great people.
It’s hard for me to meet new people irl (social anxiety issues). And everyone is disgusted by me, people are just forced to get along with me because they had to. I was part of the church choir back in highschool, and whenever we practice they’d make jokes about me and constantly complain me being there.