Today was horrible. Let’s start of by saying I met up with a old friend and we smoked a couple bowls and I got really stoned . I stopped smoking because it turned into paranoia. I would just get really anxious and my heart would start racing . I had compulsive thoughts and so much more . And that’s exactly what happened to me today . I thought it would be different . I felt so awkward with her . I have no friends so I thought this would be a good day . Then I ate a lot of food because I was anxious and high . Then I proceeded to feel really shitty about myself . So it was a spiral of events . I feel like I’m afraid to be around people . Like they are all staring at me and judging me. It makes me freak out . And smoking made it 100x times worse . I think I have a lot more wrong with me other than depression . I want to turn it off .
Also , I felt really suicidal today when I got home . I really wanted to kill myself. I always have this feeling that I’m not going to live past 21. Ever since I was a kid I’ve felt like this .
Man I really wish I didn’t feel all of this . I wish my life was different . Maybe this is hell .