Things I Shouldn’t Say

You could have never known, and things would be no different. I tried to stay in touch; I made it clear I valued your friendship. I know life can be busy, and when so many people are on the edge of depression it’s hard to get excited about anything at all.

Even a person.

You’re forgiven for that, just like you always have been. I’ve never been known for a shortage of apologies after all; but you don’t get to pretend you just lost me.

You lost a little of me when I told you that secret, the one I could barely face myself, and you made me feel worse for it; you didn’t think it was a big deal, and I got over it, but it taught me to share less with you. You lost another piece when you pretended not to notice… Maybe you thought it would embarrass me, but I still needed help. You chose not to be personal anymore, to play it cool, so we stopped being open with each other, and when you chose to never be around you lost the rest.

It was a small mistake, sometimes that’s all it takes.

So here’s an alternative narrative: after high school, after college, after I left that group, after I became independent, etcetera … we became busy. You began to notice how cool that person I introduced you to was. I followed my dream, you followed yours. When I moved away there were no hard feelings, there was an assured… closure, because it was what I needed to do and you understood that, and we were still friends. It’s years later and you really don’t know what happened to your old boy, but you’re sure he’s alright right? And you would never know.

But that wouldn’t really be fair would it? Why? Because I had to lose you every day, and it hurt. And it was always just a kind brush off, something polite, a fair excuse.  Admit it, I was less important. It didn’t matter what I was going through then when it could’ve helped, and it shouldn’t matter now when it definitely can’t.  So please, tell yourself “I’m in a better place.” Whatever it takes to get over it. But I know where I’ll be when I leave: Nowhere, doing nothing, being nothing, because I finally reached the point where I just wanted that instead, and everyone who could have improved things saw fit to watch it happen.

So just… move on, like we all already have in a way, be better than me; but you don’t get to blame me. This was my body, my life, my choice. If you wanted to have a say in my life you could had one at any point.

Any point before now.

And don’t tell yourself “if I had only known things would be different, I could have changed things…” Because deep down everyone knew. If I said how bad things were I might have had your help for a little while, but soon all that help would have gotten old, and we’d just be elongating the process of my descent.  I. Wasn’t. A. Priority. And there was nothing I could have done to change that. Guilt, blame, none of that will help anyone I promise. So let’s just drop it and forget me already.