I have a habit of rejecting the good and accepting the bad. I pushed away my girlfriend because I wanted drugs and she’s against them. I lied to her saying I was clean and how I’m never going back to that life, but honestly I am still living that life. All I look forward to is getting high. The other day she told me she still loves me and I was horrible to her. I told her to get over it that I’ll never love her back. I told her I was with my ex again, the girl who I cried about to her saying how she hurt me, how she turned me into a person I couldn’t even recognize. She started crying and I just kept saying these really terrible things to her. There are so many other factors that play a part in me pushing her away, the biggest was me having to lie to her about who I was, how I’m not this innocent girl that she thinks I am. I have done some horrible stuff to people and as much as I say I hate who I am, it’s the only thing I’ve grown to know. I want to change but it’s like there’s something inside my head telling me I can’t change that I’ll always be this horrible person, that I will never be happy unless I’m f*cked up. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I get help but nothing is working, I try to stay clean, I try to ammend things, but once I do I break them all over again and spiral out of control. I always say I hit rock bottom because each day is just worse than the day before. Each day I grow more and more depressed, each day it gets harder to pulls myself back up.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
1 comment
Wow, flowurfieldss, I can relate so much. I came on here and this was the first post I saw and it is so similar to what I’m struggling with right now. I feel that I often do the exact opposite of what would be best for me. I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life. I’ve lied and manipulated and made up a ton of really messed up crap. I feel bad, but then I obsess over if I think I feel bad enough. Some things I feel bad about and other things, I won’t do again, but I don’t feel like I feel bad enough about them. I currently obsess over all the pathologies I’m convinced I am…psychopath, sociopath, narcissist. I have been trying so hard to change since I came to realize how messed up of a life I’ve been living, but I can’t seem to change fast enough for myself. I have an amazing girlfriend, but I feel she believes I’m better of a person than I really am, even though I’ve told her many of the messed up things I’ve done. I plan on making amends to people one day, but I fear they won’t be genuine enough or that I’ll just continue messing things up. I sadly don’t have much advice for you besides keep trying and that your post has helped me feel not so alone. I do try to hold onto hope that if somebody wants to change enough that eventually it will happen with enough effort. Know that you’re not alone with these feelings. We all just want to be happy and we all deserve love.