mornings

Mornings seem to be the worst.

At any rate I’m feeling upset, angry? that not just that my ex gave up on us, but that she (probably, I might be simply imagining that she feels that way) believes she had no choice.  That there was no chance for us.  That we (she?) wasn’t healthy enough.

I don’t believe this at all.  I do not believe my being depressed and anxious means I can’t be in a relationship, or have a healthy one.  My ex and I had this one issue, serious enough for her to leave me, but- even she said this- we were amazing in every other way.  No relationship is perfect. And I believe she could’ve worked on her ptsd while still being with me- she proposed to me, called me her wife.  Obviously I was/am important to her, the person who knew her best, someone she could -and did- lean on.

Saying she gave up feels mean, but I’m not sure if there’s any other way to say it.  I believe we could’ve worked through this- we were starting to, making progress- but she didn’t. She said she tried as hard as she could, but breaking up with me, suddenly (to me anyway), doesn’t seem like trying.  She promised she’d do couples counseling, and while we did see one doctor, we both agreed she was incompetent.  She said we could try another therapist maybe in a month or so, but thought we were working well on our issue on our own.  But she never gave us the chance to see another therapist.

I believe I could’ve helped her through this, been some kind of support for her, if only she had been willing to let me.

I’m tired of people saying that you can’t be in a relationship while depressed- that you need to “love” yourself, be “happy”, or whatever.  I don’t equate that with depression.  I don’t hate myself, although I may have moments where I say that.  I hate my depression.  I hate that it’s stolen so much of my life.  But that isn’t my fault.  And being happy?  I never expected my ex to make me happy.  It’s not possible- she can’t cure depression- nor is it her responsibility.  I even told her so on several occasions.  Having her in my life certainly made my life better, I was “happier” with her.  But that’s how relationships are; if they didn’t bring positive feelings, why would people bother?  And it’s not like I believe I can never have that level of happiness again, that I have to be with her to ever be happy again.

I’m tired of people thinking I’m crazy, that I really need to “work on myself” because [fill in the blank].  Everyone has something they need to work on.  For me, that means getting good treatment for my anxiety and depression.  That is what I am doing. Maybe my ex thought I wasn’t trying enough, taking care of my health, but she never said anything to me about it.  If she had, I would’ve taken steps to try to help myself like finding better doctors (I’ve been putting off finding a good psychiatrist because it’s so hard to find one taking patients, let alone one that accepts my insurance).  I’m good at doing things, trying to change my behavior, when someone I love tells me that I need to, when my actions or inactions are hurting them.  Especially when that someone is the woman I feel is my wife.