I feel like I got confirmation today that I just don’t belong. I knew there was something wrong with me. Some hideous abnormality lurking beneath the surface. I wanted to wring the entire world in my hands – twist the planet round and round until all the pain and injustice leaked from it. I wanted to cleanse my soul of the mental torture I had allowed myself to both mete out and endure. I am my own prisoner – a hostage of a world I created to escape the hand I’ve been dealt.
I have grown up watching the world go by – observing others find love and happiness among each other. In my 29 years I have never known this kind of belonging. I am female, heterosexual, intelligent, thoughtful, ambitious, kind and even funny sometimes. I’m obviously well spoken, I’m not terribly unattractive and I like a good Netflix binge just as much as anyone else. I’m normal. I’m what you would call a normal girl. Yet I’m lonely. I’ve never been on a date. I’ve not been kissed or courted or even looked at. I dress nicely, I wear makeup and I carry myself with some measure of grace and dignity. I’ve put myself out there in many ways, many different times and there is simply no interest.
Because I am candid and because I maintain some small, festering glimmer of hope – I have told this worry to the people in my life. Mostly I have been told that life and love are a mirror – if you do not love yourself then the world will not love you. The secret, I’m told so often, is to emulate and even radiate what you would like to see in others. Have I not loved? Have I not stared in the mirror long enough to see someone pretty? Someone worthy? The fact is I have. I have loved myself deeply before and this never, not once, translated into anything reciprocal.
I have been told that I do not need a man. That there is no reason I should believe I cannot or should not live without a companion. Is love not the greatest truth? I recognize on some vaguely intellectual level that I do not need a man to function or think or to pump blood through my veins. But all of us, everyone, is a sentient creature. We are programmed to require understanding and community. Evolution has prepped us to find love so that we may facilitate reproduction – the continuity of all life on earth. Not only have I failed to find the love necessary to bear this legacy but I have failed on a biological level.
As if I need any more proof of my failure – my doctor told me today that I will probably not be capable of bearing children. Not that I ever had the chance – I suppose that’s why it seems so unfair. I never had the opportunity to discover anyone willing to reproduce with me. Perhaps on some biological level, men have avoided me because they can sense this failure. I just don’t belong with other people – emotionally or physically. Dear World, is anyone out there?