I want to do so much

I have things I want to do. I want to do so much. But I can’t. I have no money. No possible way to leave this place. I’m scared to talk to the one person I trust. I want to be loved. I want to be married. I want someone to like me enough to love me and to want to be with me the rest of my life. But that probably won’t happen. I need to leave this place. And I was going to try to move this year. But that won’t be possible. I don’t even have a fucking car. I’ve had so many small things happen when I drive that I’m terrified whenever I get behind the wheel. But I can’t tell people that. Because then they would know something is wrong with me. And no one can know. I have already told too many people. But no one can know.
When the powerball was at 1.5billion or whatever it was, I bought two tickets because why not? As it got closer to the time the winning number was announced, I was at my cousins at a family thing and everyone was telling me “oh you need to do these things with the money” and I just agreed. Because everything they said implied I was going to actually live longer than January 1st 2017. I didn’t win the powerball obviously. But I’ve been thinking recently what I would do with the money I won if I won. And I wouldn’t do the things they were telling me. I would’ve probably cashed out the money and moved to like the uk or something to get away from everyone. And I would live there. And from there I would decide if I should keep living or not. It would be a whole new start. And if it didn’t work out I would donate my money to help people who actually have a desire to live and kill myself.
I started college today again. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I never wanted to go to college. Sure I kinda wanted to be a teacher. But I’d honestly rather not. The majority of my students would probably hate me anyways. I’m only doing it because I have no choice. I don’t get a choice in the matter. I only get to decide what I major in.
I will never get what I want in this world unless I somehow get money. And a car. Because I could at least live out of my car if I had gas and food money. But even when I get a car I’ll probably have a car payment due every month. And since I have no credit I have to get my dad to coding so I can’t just drive off with the car.
I don’t know what to do.
I think I might try texting my person tomorrow because I obviously can’t do stuff on my own. I hope I don’t chicken out and he replies.