Some truth…

I feel alone, really alone sometimes but it’s mostly my own choices that lead me to being alone. It’s not a painful type of alone it doesn’t torment me I can’t necessarily say its a loneliness. I feel sad about being alone I want someone to love but I think that will probably take awhile. Not sure if anyone keeps up with any of my posts on here or not so guess I’ll touch base on things. I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy I was best friends with for 6 years. I had known him 10 years, he was my first love my only boyfriend. It ended badly in January 2014 and I ended up meeting someone in February of 2014. Me and the new guy created I guess what you would call a situationship. We were intimate with each other and talked and hung out every once in a while. That went on for a year until I got tired of it and decided to end it January of 2015. I didn’t talk to him for about 2 months straight with absolutely no contact. Then he found me on social media and messaged me there. He wanted what we had again and I didn’t really want that. He stopped trying then asked if I could help tutor him with math and help him get started with college. I did I helped tutor him a few times and he got busy and we stopped. We had hung out a few times and eventually I ended up sleeping with him again. I’m a different person now than I was the first time we did this. So this time around he’s the one who wants me more which is different but I think it has died down. This last time felt more personal we laid down and talked about the future and argued and fought for the blankets. And I smacked his ass really hard for being stubborn it was hilarious. After that we sat in his car for awhile and talked about his aspirations and what he wanted to do with his life. And monday I did some research and made some phone calls and got information for him. Tuesday we met up and we went to a community college and enrolled him in his first class. It was during his lunch break and we were pressed for time and so while he was trying to find his student ID number on the computer I said I’d fill out the paper they gave him. As I filled it out I felt like a complete creeper I knew more information than I should have lol. I knew his full name including middle which I don’t even know if he knows mine. I knew his email address and his date of birth and lord knows what else. I felt really proud and really happy for him and I want him to be successful. I have always denied having feelings for him because I never felt like I was in love with him. But it is very obvious to me now that I do care about him and what I feel for him I don’t really know what it is to be honest. Sometimes I want to just be with him because I enjoy being around him. But deep down I know how he really is and maybe that is why I hold back. It’s just been nagging at me lately especially since I’ve been so confused about it.