Opinions Wanted

Hello again,

This post is different from what I usually see on here but I am hoping that it can help me to share it with you guys. I’m baring my soul here: This is a diary entry from a few weeks ago, I am quoting straight from my diary because after hearing opposing opinions on the story, I do not know what to believe anymore and I wrote this right after it happened so this is exactly how I remember it.

“Friday I drank way too much. Puked 3 times? I wanted to go somewhere to chill, last year I always went to the guys’ dorm to hang, I was missing that (the others transferred) so I went to the last of these friend’s dorm: (lets call him Brad). Now Brad has always been flirty with me but it’s never been real. I liked the fact that we were friends who could chill & not have any sexual attraction; I thought he was my friend. Turns out that he doesn’t give a shit about me, he’d fuck me over just as bad as some random girl he just met, and he did. So I go to his room to chill – post puking & face bleeding from a tumble outside – I was drunk. And after falling in the snow, I was shivering. So Brad gives me a blanket and I wrap up on his bed. Wasn’t like it was just us, there were other people in the apartment out in the kitchen. Room’s spinning, there’s no way I wanted to face the cold & try to walk back home, besides, he & I have slept in the same bed before (he was drunk last time too but I was sober) and there is zero attraction between us so it’s not weird. I guess I missed this but something gave Brad the impression that there was more going on, he starts asking why I was really there, I legitly  don’t know what he is talking about, then he kisses me. I should have left right then, why didn’t I? I probably didn’t even know where I was at the moment because of the alcohol…so I went with it. I remember thinking that this must be how he has slept with all of those girls, they’re so drunk that they don’t care what’s going on. (He has been known for being the guy who sips on a beer all night then takes the drunkest girl home-he has slept with A LOT of girls)…but that won’t be me because we are actually friends and besides, I’d never let that happen. Before I knew it, all of our clothes were off. It’s not like I was saying no, I was even being playful. He was calling me a tease and I accepted that cause we were not going to have sex, I even told him that when he started getting handsy. He said he could tell that I wanted him but I kept saying no & moving his hands. He would agree but then lead right back to it a few minutes later. He asked if I didn’t want to because I was a virgin, said he could tell I was because of how hesitant I was being. I told him I didn’t want to lose it drunk and said that I was very drunk. He said that I seemed pretty sober but I knew I wasn’t. After pestering me I finally agreed to “just the tip”. That’s right, I agreed. Kinda wish I hadn’t because then I know that it was all him but in the end I gave him a verbal ok. The worst part? I liked it. At the time, even though I kept saying no because I knew that I did not want to do stuff with him, I liked it. Only thing is that I didn’t like that it was him, it was my 1st time going that far so I discovered that I like sex, just should have been with someone else. He went to sleep, after awhile he woke up and we started again but I was even more out of it, might as well have been sleeping but we did it again. It felt like a lot further than the previous time. After we were done, I left. I felt gross. I told my friends, who are very angry with him. The next day he messaged me… first thing is says is “This stays between us”, when I said that I told my friends he said “WTF” and that “They better be able to keep a secret”. Judging by this, I think he knows that the whole thing was wrong. I feel stupid but don’t know how else to feel, pissed? I was the one who went over there drunk and didn’t tell him to get off of me.”

Alright if you are still with me, what do you think of the situation? I told him that I couldn’t be  friends with someone I can’t trust to not do that when I’m drunk…he didn’t understand and says it was just a drunk hookup. Either he seriously sees nothing wrong with it or he is good at manipulating. I cannot fully take what my friends say about it all because they didn’t like him before this happened so they are biased. I know that this entry is completely from my perspective so it might be hard for you all to be unbiased but I really want input from people who are separated from it all. Was it just a drunk hookup that I need to get over or do I have a right to feel uneasy about it all? Please be honest, I couldn’t live with myself if I put the blame of something like this on someone who didn’t deserve it. I need to be 100% sure. Anything helps.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this and comment,

-JustSomeGirl