Ive been rejected hundreds of times in person and thousands of times online. No one wants to fuck a fat ugly depressed unconfident anxious broke piece of shit. I’ll admit i no longer try to talk to women. In the same way someone who can’t play basketball stops shooting baskets after missing every shot. Socially i live in a different world than everyone else. I dont have any social networking. I dont go to bars(panic attacks and i hate liquor) i didn’t go to parties when i was younger. I havent been alive to an extent most people just dont understand. I hate this world I’m tired of these thought im tired of being reminded or dwelling on my ugliness and irrelevance. Not just physically but the ugliness of my life in general. (Inside im more mediocre but not quite ugly angry maybe but not ugly) I’m tired of thinking about my ex, thinking about how lonely my life has been. How dreadful and meaningless its been. I had one good week the rest include mostly horrific ones and a few “good” (read mediocre at best) weeks. The pain of absolute insignificance makes me insane. I hate it. I dont know how to make it go away. Nobody gives a quarter of piss squirt about me and living each moment reminds me of how meaningless i am. Im tired of not being good enough at everything. This isnt i dont think im good enough this is life screaming at the top of its lungs all of the things im not good enough for. Its like I’ve been locked in a cage for decades with dangled carrots surrounding me. Each time i get close to a carrot its pulled away from me. Every now and again i get a nibble on one but the torturers are so offended at my hunger im beaten and electrocuted after.
Ive been chased, beaten, attempted suicide hundreds of times. Ive worked since i was 16 giving my mom part of my minimum wage check (min wage was 5.50 then). I dont connect with a fucking soul on this planet and im tired of all of this. Im tired of complaining. Im tired of this endless loop of pain running through my mind and my fucking life. In leaving out a ton of shit. There are scars on my body mind and heart. Im still here mainly because im tired of attempting suicide(see basketball metaphor earlier) im fed up with failure and despair. Im doing all i can to improve. I feel sick and meaningless but it has to get better. I cant die(well not for another 40 years or what ever lifespan i get) so i have to keep trying to live. I get up (eventually) each time i fall but im sick and tired of falling. Im tired of being meaningless and rejected.
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“Its like I’ve been locked in a cage for decades with dangled carrots surrounding me.”
THIS. This hit hard, because it’s exactly how I feel every time I see someone who has found a soulmate who loves them.
It seems like everyone around me has FOUND someone.
And here I am, with multiple degenerative physical disabilities, living alone and struggling to care for myself, living in daily pain, unlikely to find anyone because of my unchangeable situation.
Carrots everywhere outside the cage. Nothing inside the cage.
So, at least to that extent, I do understand the miserable frustration, and the feeling of screaming in silence.