bullshit

I’m fucking tired and ive been tired for a long time
I honestly don’t even know how to explain this
I’m just sad and tired and I feel like life isn’t worth living. There is no true benefit and everything good comes to an end. Were all born alone and we die alone. blah blah more typical suicidal depressed teen shit
but the matter of the fact is that its all bullshit
life is bullshit everything in our ‘realities’ is bullshit
I don’t want to be another polluting selfish destructive asswipe and that’s all that humans are. we completely destroy everything we touch and I think that were monsters. I cant deal with any of it. the worst part is that this is all irrelevant… my feelings, society, love, hate, emotions in general, the world, is irrelevant to the bigger picture. All of that is just a speck of dust compared to the universe as a whole. So if all of that is unimportant.. what does that make me?
I just feel like I’m forcing myself through a lot of unnecessary misery by continuing to live, because I don’t matter, and since everything sucks ass and its all going to shit, why should I bother?
My death wont make a difference in time and things will still continue and I don’t understand why theres still a piece of me that’s scared to say goodbye to everything that I know
I just want everything to stop. I want to close my eyes and not have to think or breathe or anything
I imagine death to be a long dark blackness.. well not even that. death is nothingness. we cease to exist when we die
and to me that sounds like peace
is that so bad?
I’m sorry that this is so scattered but I cant even think clearly anymore everything hurts and I just want it to stop. I’m tired of wanting to crawl out of my skin and disappear. I’m tired of the dissatisfaction that life continuously presents and not having an escape or a way to fix it. I’m tired of hating myself and I’m tired of being me and feeling the way I do. I’m tired of not being able to escape my thoughts and then trying to explain them and not being understood. I’m tired of being labeled as crazy, or lazy or stupid or irrational. I’m tired of people mistaking my pain for anything other than what it is. I’m tired of my feelings and thoughts being written off. I’m tired of being second best and last choice. I’m tired of life and the worries and struggles it continues to present me. I’m tired of loss and I’m tired of attachment. I’m tired of fighting for things that I shouldn’t have to fight for. Life seems to be a waste and I’m not sure whether I should just end it or keep pushing through. People say it gets better but I look around and the evidence seems to say otherwise. I don’t think that I have anything to offer to myself or anyone that’s important to me. I can’t seem to make myself move anymore. I look at all the adults and people surrounding me and it seems like things just get worse. Is this worth it? Why should I go to college and strive to better myself? Why should I strive for anything at all? Why am I here to begin with and why do I have to exist? I hate to sound like a whiny self pitying asswipe, but why me?
I keep wishing that things were different and I keep trying to make a change but things always seem to be the same. I don’t know what to do anymore.