Kat, if you love us all, if you’ve never had friends quite like the ones you’ve made here, then why leave us? Perhaps it’s none of my business. We’ve never spoken or chatted. But I know your pain. I have lived with my own for over 50 years. You can too survive this too.
May I ask you ONE thing? PLEASE, if you will, google “Peace Pilgrim steps toward inner peace” and download her book for free. It’s only 48-pages. PLEASE read those simple 48-pages. That’s all I ask. Will you do that for me? For yourself?
If after reading those 48-pages, you still feel that you must exit this world, then do what you must. I will support whatever decision you must make.
I’m selfish, so i’ll pray for you to change your mind. I still hope that you’ll give it another chance. If you do end up attempting tho… well, i do hope the aftermath is not too bad if you fail, and if you were to succeed… i do hope you find the peace you were looking for.
I can’t find the knife. I’m crying my eyes out right now because I can’t find the knife the one time I actually need it. What kind of cruel joke is this.
I’d say that’s a higher power telling you to stop, and that’s coming from a non believer, so imagine my own surprise when i read that after writing it.
If you read these comments, I would just say pause a moment. I don’t want to cast doubt on your decision making, but it feels like you may be making a mistake. You’re so fucking young to be doing this.
I get that it feels like there’s no way to make your issues right, and so you turn to what feels like the only solution.
I just think maybe it’s something you can learn to live with, over time, with help. That there can still be good days for you down the line.
Is it not maybe worth talking this all over with someone who can really understand first? Maybe a psychologist or something? Just to get another perspective on it. So you know your reasoning’s sound.
If you do it right, this is a decision you only make once. It’s worth making sure it’s right.
Lastly, I’ll say that from reading your posts, this world (and sp) would be diminished by your loss. I’m not a believer, but I think you deserve to find yourself in a place where you can fulfill your potential. I just hope that’s here 🙂
Talk to us Kat. It’s ok… Talk to us. We want to know about it all.
We are here for you. We care. It’s ok, lean on us that we are trying to support you.
We care.
We are here because we do really care, so trust us.
What is going on?
I know you all care. It hurts that I’m breaking everybody’s heart. I just don’t want to be here anymore.
I am the root of all of my problems. I am the problem. Nobody else. Just me.
But I still don’t know where my knife is, and I’m too scared to resort to the drain cleaner. That’s not the kind of thing you want to mess up.
Please so not drink drain cleaner, it will simply make your life more miserable than it already is.
Can you call 911? Is there a family member you can contact? Remember we talked about this, that if you got to this point you would call someone or 911?
Not all of those places are hell, often you hear the bad experiences because they’re bad, no one is going to go around bragging they got into a good mental health institution. If anything, it might help, and it’s sure a hell of a lot better than taking drain cleaner (don’t, pretty sure you’d survive that and end up worse).
No one is an island. Your problems developed within this world – they are part of it, of us as a society, as are you. Removing yourself will not make the world right. It is not your responsibility to remove yourself. It is our responsibility to help you.
I enjoyed reading your posts and comments here, invisibly 🙂 hehe
I hope you find peace and I’d say reconsider but I’m not selfish in that way. all that matters is you finding peace somehow, someway. Good luck friend.
I know the world won’t get better if I remove myself from it.
I’m just saying that all of MY problems, all of my pains, are my own fault. I’m the reason why I won’t ever get better, and I know that I never will get better. So why suffer for another seven or eight decades? Why not just go now?
Hey Kat, I feel the same way everyday. Do you think you can hold on for one more day? I know I don’t know you, but from reading everyone’s comments you are dearly loved and cared about. Can you hold on a little while longer? I will pray for you regardless of your decision. I don’t mind emailing if you really want to talk?
Is it possible that in time, your imperfections will make you feel less miserable? That you’ll come to see that they don’t define you?
Maybe your perspective that they make you unacceptable is accurate, and it’ll never change.
Or maybe you’ll have different life experiences, talk to people with different views on things, and gradually over the years come to feel that you’re ok with them.
I’d say you’ve got a fair chance, but obviously I can’t read your future.
Don’t get me wrong; death DOES occur. My ex committed emotional suicide so that I cannot love an object. But as far as I know, you have not committed anything worthy of death.
I just can’t do this anymore, guys. The pain is too great. I can’t handle it, I’m not strong enough.
Even my therapist today told me that I’m my own problem.
She told me that my problem is that I’m too lazy to do the work necessary to get better. She was angry at me and yelled at me for several minutes during our session. It was humiliating. But I can’t help but suspect that she’s right.
She’s not right, she’s just not the right therapist for you. Trust me, i’ve seen awful therapists do great with some patients, and great therapists work awfully with some patients… if it’s not working it’s not your fault, it’s your therapists approach, and again, she might just not be the right one for you. She might have been right from her perspective but… hey, it’s you living your life, not her.
Therapists are just a tool. If they work, great, but if they don’t, you look for the proper one, because even if you try a million years, you’re not going to be able to screw a philips head screw with a torx screwdriver.
You are so right. That’s why I’m too worried about seeing a therapist and I probably won’t now.
@whiskered-fish If you feel therapy will work for you then I’m with @Mf, find a new therapist. Maybe get a feel for their personality and beliefs before you commit to another one so you don’t end up with someone insensitive. Keep trying, keep going. You know the saying “take it one day at a time”? Well sometimes I have to take it a couple of seconds at a time. Maybe you should too.
@jaybee20: you should still see one. I’ve sort of been winging it for a couple of years already (complicated situation), but when i did try to find a therapist it took me a couple of tries to find the right one. When i did find the right one it did make a difference. At one point in my life, i wouldn’t have made it if it wasn’t for him, so i can’t encourage you enough to at least give it a few tries. It might take a while, but trust me, once you find the right one it WILL help, at least a bit.
Seriously, fuck your therapist. That’s awful. Do you think she’d have said that, if she had a clue what was really going on with you? If she knew you’d end up going for your knife. You need to find someone with a clue. Berating someone for being lazy is no way to help someone who has major problems with self-acceptance. It’s completely counter-productive. You need less pressure. Not more.
At the end of the session, she asked me if I was feeling suicidal or homicidal at the moment. I was feeling mouthy, so I said “it doesn’t matter, you’re not going to do anything about it anyway.” Then she said “oh yes I will” and she asked me again. I told her that I refused to answer her question.
She said “so is that a no?” And I said “no it isn’t, I just refuse to answer your question.” She said “okay then,” and she let me go.
Gotta say that seems like a really unhelpful relationship. Doesn’t sound like she’s in your corner. Surely the whole point is to have someone to talk about that stuff with honestly and sympathetically?
Your 17 right? You can always kill yourself another day. Most personal reflections of oneself are placed there by someone else. you had to learn it. It a big world out there go learn to Love or teach yourself how to Hate through your feelings.
Your therapist sounds like a real *****, Fish. I’m not going to be a hypocrite and tell you to reconsider. I’ll just tell you this… If you ever feel like you can no longer stand, tell us since I think I speak for everyone when I say… We will always be there to support you!
Your therapist … man… see? Now you’re talking. That’s what triggered your pain. They never tell the truth do they? This is their job, their salary. Prescription of drugs and “you are your own problem, you are the guilty one, it has been you all along, not me, not everybody else, not your stupid abusive parents”. They all agreed : we need people to call insane so we can keep our JOBS! This is their way of saying “you know what? I am a person too I need to get paid to live in this world this is my job so don’t bother me too much just take your prescription and fuck off.” Am I close? Because I never been to a therapist I barely have money for my existential needs. But..this is what I see.
Maybe you do need pills, some issues can’t be solved by therapy on it’s own. Some unbalances and disorders can only be kept at bay at pills, or at least pills can be used to start walking in the right direction. I know i’ve commented quite a lot and kinda the same things so i’ll stop with this one, but… yup, there’s still options you could try instead of choosing the final one. It’s up to you, but i did have to point that out.
Riiight.
Several years ago an old woman approached me and asked me if I know a psychiatrist office. She looked like a poor person. Your family barely has enough to buy groceries and you’re sending your son or daughter to the psychiastrist? You would think that in a 3rd world country like where I live people are more down to earth. No. My mother said the same thing that I need a psychiatrist. But her threats are empty because we have other priorities. Now this girl I know from childhood she and her mom would visit my mom very often. Well that girl when she turned 16 her mother for whatever reason thought something was wrong with her. She was too “shy”. So to the psychiatrist they went. Or was it psychologist? After one therapy session she came outside of the office crying. She told her mother that while the psychologist asked her questions she felt her soul being turned inside out. Like you do with a sock..It sounds weird. The girl was never the same again. 🙁 She began acting the other way around. Agressive, un-inhibited towards the opposite sex. I mean that ***** took her innocence away with just words man. Can you imagine? And they didn’t need any pills, just words.It’s not a place where you send your kid. Maybe in my country there is different kind of “therapy”. These people in my opinion are DIABOLICAL!
I’m alive. And since I can’t find my knife, I’m probably going to stay alive tonight. But I still feel broken.
I’m sorry about all of the pain I caused you all today.
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61 comments
I hope you find peace, Fish.. Whatever happens.
You can make it past this.
Kat, if you love us all, if you’ve never had friends quite like the ones you’ve made here, then why leave us? Perhaps it’s none of my business. We’ve never spoken or chatted. But I know your pain. I have lived with my own for over 50 years. You can too survive this too.
May I ask you ONE thing? PLEASE, if you will, google “Peace Pilgrim steps toward inner peace” and download her book for free. It’s only 48-pages. PLEASE read those simple 48-pages. That’s all I ask. Will you do that for me? For yourself?
If after reading those 48-pages, you still feel that you must exit this world, then do what you must. I will support whatever decision you must make.
LOVE,
Jack
please don’t… i can’t take another friend leaving now.. i am selfish… don’t kat
I’m selfish, so i’ll pray for you to change your mind. I still hope that you’ll give it another chance. If you do end up attempting tho… well, i do hope the aftermath is not too bad if you fail, and if you were to succeed… i do hope you find the peace you were looking for.
I can’t find the knife. I’m crying my eyes out right now because I can’t find the knife the one time I actually need it. What kind of cruel joke is this.
I’d say that’s a higher power telling you to stop, and that’s coming from a non believer, so imagine my own surprise when i read that after writing it.
I would hug you if I could. I really would.
If you read these comments, I would just say pause a moment. I don’t want to cast doubt on your decision making, but it feels like you may be making a mistake. You’re so fucking young to be doing this.
I get that it feels like there’s no way to make your issues right, and so you turn to what feels like the only solution.
I just think maybe it’s something you can learn to live with, over time, with help. That there can still be good days for you down the line.
Is it not maybe worth talking this all over with someone who can really understand first? Maybe a psychologist or something? Just to get another perspective on it. So you know your reasoning’s sound.
If you do it right, this is a decision you only make once. It’s worth making sure it’s right.
Lastly, I’ll say that from reading your posts, this world (and sp) would be diminished by your loss. I’m not a believer, but I think you deserve to find yourself in a place where you can fulfill your potential. I just hope that’s here 🙂
I’m just coming into this. Kat, my heart is breaking. Please think clearly about this.
I hope you find peace!!!
peace is beautiful!!
Not throught a painful death, think things Kat. Don’t be your own judge, that’s a biased judgement. An unfair one.
Let things settle…
Kat don’t..
Talk to us Kat. It’s ok… Talk to us. We want to know about it all.
We are here for you. We care. It’s ok, lean on us that we are trying to support you.
We care.
We are here because we do really care, so trust us.
What is going on?
I know you all care. It hurts that I’m breaking everybody’s heart. I just don’t want to be here anymore.
I am the root of all of my problems. I am the problem. Nobody else. Just me.
But I still don’t know where my knife is, and I’m too scared to resort to the drain cleaner. That’s not the kind of thing you want to mess up.
Please so not drink drain cleaner, it will simply make your life more miserable than it already is.
Can you call 911? Is there a family member you can contact? Remember we talked about this, that if you got to this point you would call someone or 911?
I don’t want them to take me to one of those places. Everyone here says they’re hell. I’ll only come out worse.
If it helps, I promise not to touch the drain-o.
Let’s do another art jam. Your turn to select the theme.
Not all of those places are hell, often you hear the bad experiences because they’re bad, no one is going to go around bragging they got into a good mental health institution. If anything, it might help, and it’s sure a hell of a lot better than taking drain cleaner (don’t, pretty sure you’d survive that and end up worse).
whiskered-fish, do not drink drain cleaner!! that’s really stupid! i’m surprised at you!
No one is an island. Your problems developed within this world – they are part of it, of us as a society, as are you. Removing yourself will not make the world right. It is not your responsibility to remove yourself. It is our responsibility to help you.
Whisky,
I want to email you, ok?
Hope we can talk.
Okay.
I enjoyed reading your posts and comments here, invisibly 🙂 hehe
I hope you find peace and I’d say reconsider but I’m not selfish in that way. all that matters is you finding peace somehow, someway. Good luck friend.
Kat…
I like the name Kat, it’s a beautiful, sweet name and I think it fits a sweet, beautiful person such as yourself.
I hope you don’t make this decision today. I think Hazy gave great advice to reach out to someone. I know it’s hard but please give yourself a chance.
Stay safe.
I know the world won’t get better if I remove myself from it.
I’m just saying that all of MY problems, all of my pains, are my own fault. I’m the reason why I won’t ever get better, and I know that I never will get better. So why suffer for another seven or eight decades? Why not just go now?
You are who you are. You’re a perfect imperfection.
My life is miserable because of my imperfections. There’s no way out.
Hey Kat, I feel the same way everyday. Do you think you can hold on for one more day? I know I don’t know you, but from reading everyone’s comments you are dearly loved and cared about. Can you hold on a little while longer? I will pray for you regardless of your decision. I don’t mind emailing if you really want to talk?
Thanks, jaybee. Ill check my email soon.
I cant die today, because God hid my knife. So dont worry.
Is it possible that in time, your imperfections will make you feel less miserable? That you’ll come to see that they don’t define you?
Maybe your perspective that they make you unacceptable is accurate, and it’ll never change.
Or maybe you’ll have different life experiences, talk to people with different views on things, and gradually over the years come to feel that you’re ok with them.
I’d say you’ve got a fair chance, but obviously I can’t read your future.
Don’t get me wrong; death DOES occur. My ex committed emotional suicide so that I cannot love an object. But as far as I know, you have not committed anything worthy of death.
Please don’t go.
We’re all depressed here, to varying degrees, and we would feel so much worse if you left.
I would miss you very much.
Kat do you wanna talk? Email me at andrewholstein1@gmail.com
Or you can kik me at Kalmahavak
I’ll talk to you 🙂 you can let everything out at me if you want!
Nobody is perfect kat even a diamond had blemishes. I dont know you very well but please dont go so soon .
I just can’t do this anymore, guys. The pain is too great. I can’t handle it, I’m not strong enough.
Even my therapist today told me that I’m my own problem.
She told me that my problem is that I’m too lazy to do the work necessary to get better. She was angry at me and yelled at me for several minutes during our session. It was humiliating. But I can’t help but suspect that she’s right.
She’s not right, she’s just not the right therapist for you. Trust me, i’ve seen awful therapists do great with some patients, and great therapists work awfully with some patients… if it’s not working it’s not your fault, it’s your therapists approach, and again, she might just not be the right one for you. She might have been right from her perspective but… hey, it’s you living your life, not her.
Therapists are just a tool. If they work, great, but if they don’t, you look for the proper one, because even if you try a million years, you’re not going to be able to screw a philips head screw with a torx screwdriver.
You are so right. That’s why I’m too worried about seeing a therapist and I probably won’t now.
@whiskered-fish If you feel therapy will work for you then I’m with @Mf, find a new therapist. Maybe get a feel for their personality and beliefs before you commit to another one so you don’t end up with someone insensitive. Keep trying, keep going. You know the saying “take it one day at a time”? Well sometimes I have to take it a couple of seconds at a time. Maybe you should too.
@jaybee20: you should still see one. I’ve sort of been winging it for a couple of years already (complicated situation), but when i did try to find a therapist it took me a couple of tries to find the right one. When i did find the right one it did make a difference. At one point in my life, i wouldn’t have made it if it wasn’t for him, so i can’t encourage you enough to at least give it a few tries. It might take a while, but trust me, once you find the right one it WILL help, at least a bit.
Seriously, fuck your therapist. That’s awful. Do you think she’d have said that, if she had a clue what was really going on with you? If she knew you’d end up going for your knife. You need to find someone with a clue. Berating someone for being lazy is no way to help someone who has major problems with self-acceptance. It’s completely counter-productive. You need less pressure. Not more.
thehusk is 100% right.
At the end of the session, she asked me if I was feeling suicidal or homicidal at the moment. I was feeling mouthy, so I said “it doesn’t matter, you’re not going to do anything about it anyway.” Then she said “oh yes I will” and she asked me again. I told her that I refused to answer her question.
She said “so is that a no?” And I said “no it isn’t, I just refuse to answer your question.” She said “okay then,” and she let me go.
Gotta say that seems like a really unhelpful relationship. Doesn’t sound like she’s in your corner. Surely the whole point is to have someone to talk about that stuff with honestly and sympathetically?
Wholly-Wahoo..
We have some unfinished business, wouldn’t you hate to be stuck here as a ghost cuz of it?
I’d rather be a ghost than burn in Hell I think.
@Bearded-Clam
I guess we should all stop trying,
You asked me once, If there was an Operation to fix me why not? And I let them drill a hole in my head and put a drain tube in.
Soon you can leave all the people behind that torment you and try your way before you die. and understand We All will one day.
I don’t quite understand what you’re trying to tell me, ToTrees.
Your 17 right? You can always kill yourself another day. Most personal reflections of oneself are placed there by someone else. you had to learn it. It a big world out there go learn to Love or teach yourself how to Hate through your feelings.
Your therapist sounds like a real *****, Fish. I’m not going to be a hypocrite and tell you to reconsider. I’ll just tell you this… If you ever feel like you can no longer stand, tell us since I think I speak for everyone when I say… We will always be there to support you!
Your therapist … man… see? Now you’re talking. That’s what triggered your pain. They never tell the truth do they? This is their job, their salary. Prescription of drugs and “you are your own problem, you are the guilty one, it has been you all along, not me, not everybody else, not your stupid abusive parents”. They all agreed : we need people to call insane so we can keep our JOBS! This is their way of saying “you know what? I am a person too I need to get paid to live in this world this is my job so don’t bother me too much just take your prescription and fuck off.” Am I close? Because I never been to a therapist I barely have money for my existential needs. But..this is what I see.
Well a therapist doesn’t prescribe meds. A psychiatrist does that.
Maybe you do need pills, some issues can’t be solved by therapy on it’s own. Some unbalances and disorders can only be kept at bay at pills, or at least pills can be used to start walking in the right direction. I know i’ve commented quite a lot and kinda the same things so i’ll stop with this one, but… yup, there’s still options you could try instead of choosing the final one. It’s up to you, but i did have to point that out.
Thanks, Mf. Though I’m already medicated.
http://suicideproject.org/2016/02/light-breaking-over-the-horizon/
Riiight.
Several years ago an old woman approached me and asked me if I know a psychiatrist office. She looked like a poor person. Your family barely has enough to buy groceries and you’re sending your son or daughter to the psychiastrist? You would think that in a 3rd world country like where I live people are more down to earth. No. My mother said the same thing that I need a psychiatrist. But her threats are empty because we have other priorities. Now this girl I know from childhood she and her mom would visit my mom very often. Well that girl when she turned 16 her mother for whatever reason thought something was wrong with her. She was too “shy”. So to the psychiatrist they went. Or was it psychologist? After one therapy session she came outside of the office crying. She told her mother that while the psychologist asked her questions she felt her soul being turned inside out. Like you do with a sock..It sounds weird. The girl was never the same again. 🙁 She began acting the other way around. Agressive, un-inhibited towards the opposite sex. I mean that ***** took her innocence away with just words man. Can you imagine? And they didn’t need any pills, just words.It’s not a place where you send your kid. Maybe in my country there is different kind of “therapy”. These people in my opinion are DIABOLICAL!
How are you doing Whiskered? Are you doing a little better?
I’m alive. And since I can’t find my knife, I’m probably going to stay alive tonight. But I still feel broken.
I’m sorry about all of the pain I caused you all today.
whiskered: you are most likely the only reason today I’m not being completely self centered and a total douchebag. Never a bad thing my friend.
WAIT! what’s your email?
Click on the speech-bubble shaped icon at the top of the web page. You’ll find it there somewhere.
Okay
I’m glad you’re staying with us, at least for tonight!