I wasn’t planning on it, but come to think of it tonight is as good a time as any. I could do it and not be found for long enough for it to have a shot at working.
I’ve been considering death for long enough that I know it isn’t a passing fancy. I also know that 2am is not the best time to make impulsive decisions with permanent consequences, but I thought to myself before that the only thing between me and death was the selfishness to stop caring about whatever effects my death will have on the people I leave behind (funny how inconsequential my life is, but how much of a scene my death could cause). I’m in that mindset now. I can put aside everyone else.
I’m essentially alone- I have never fit in quite right with society, my brain doesn’t work the way other peoples’ do. I don’t think I was made of the right stuff to really make it in life. I’m only willing to talk about my problems with a counselor who has to keep them secret and is trained not to act judgmental. I am not good at love. The only person who loves me is my mother and that’s only because she is biologically made to. I don’t think anyone would really be able to love me of their own accord. I’m not really good with love or people anyways so I don’t have much in the love department to look forward to (platonic or romantic), and I’m told that that’s the real measure of a life, so why bother. I don’t think I’d be much of a success in a career or that sort of thing either so there’s really nothing for me.
I don’t want to hurt her and unfortunately I know my death will, but she’ll be ten thousand times better off without me and maybe I can write a good note and help her see that.
If not, well, I guess it won’t be my problem. I’m a fucking awful person for thinking this way and I know it but maybe it’s just more proof I deserve to die.
Should I do it, guys? I think I’ll write some notes and then think it over one more time, because right now I think I can go through with it. There’s not really a reason to stay.
10 comments
From the outside looking in, it’s easy to see that suicide is… Probably not the best idea. I’m guessing there are things you’d be leaving behind that are responsibilities only you can handle. Or nice things that you’ll miss out on.
As a fellow human, though, I understand if you decide to go. It’s so hard here, sometimes. Especially if you feel alone.
I wish you the best.
I’ve written my notes. I’m scared. I think this is what’s right but what if it’s not?
I feel as though because youre asking “should i do it tonight” you have second thoughts. this is a huge decision; as im sure youre aware lol but it sounds like you have some people who do really care about you… is there love for not enough to keep you here on this earth; at least for a while longer? just some things to think about… one of my close friends just committed suicide 2 nights ago and I am absolutely broken inside… youve held on this long and i know its hard, the world is cruel and saddness can drown you but its those moments in life, that may be few, that make life actually worth living. I want to give up everyday and just say fuck it and jion my mom grandma and friend in heaven but then I have some days and i take a deep breath and smile and am thankful for this short life we have and actually feel good… WHatever you decide to do just know you will be in my thoughts and im sending you all my love <3
I’m sorry about your friend.
I don’t believe you are mentally prepared for it. It seems you still somewhat want to live from what I’ve read. You’re worried about your mother and you’re asking for our opinion on if you should commit suicide. But hey, I can be completely misinterpreting you. If you truly want to die, then go for it. Just don’t hesitate and waste a good opportunity. Also if possible, try to die in a place where it would be difficult to find your body. All in all, if you end up going through with this, good luck.
“should i do it guys?” would never be a question in your mind if you were truly ready.
just one opinion.
I can’t tell you to do it or not but I can say I felt the same way last night..I personally understand. If I had the means to die without any pain last night probably..probably I would have done it a long time ago.
Hi 4,
I’ve been where you’re at now many times. Shit, what’s the difference whether I die right fucking now or 50 years from now? Death is death. Right? The only difference would be saving yourself 50 years of suffering (if you would live for another 50 years, I mean). And yeah, that’d be a good thing. I think of that all the time.
I remember the first time I contemplated suicide. That was a very long time ago. And now, whenever shit goes sour, I actually get pissed off at myself, saying, “Fuck, had I done this back then I would have saved myself 40-odd years of misery!”
But here I am. The pain is a part of me now. When I have good, happy days, I start to think, “What’s wrong with me? This is not how I am supposed to feel.” And then the depression and feeling of impending doom return. Ah, how comforting! Come sweet death, clothe me in the sleep of your wings!
But my problem seems to be the opposite of yours. You claim the inability to love; while I am almost too loving. I love too much, too intensely. I’m not talking about romantic or platonic. Just an overwhelming, unconditional love for everything. That’s why I have so many issues. That’s why I can’t function in this human society. I simply love too much, and it’s too painful to watch my own species destroy and kill everything.
For years I tried to make a difference in the world. Like what Gandhi advised. Be the change you want to see in the world. Well I tried. But one small voice crying out amongst the chaos does absolutely nothing. I don’t want to throw in the towel and give up. But I am exhausted.
Well, I hope you don’t kill yourself tonight. It would ruin forever the opportunity to get to know you! But if you do, I completely understand.
HUGS
Jack
PS: By the way, since you’re thinking about the misery your death would cause your mom, I’d say you CAN and DO feel love. Think about that. It might be all you need in order to survive.
Whether or not you want to die is entirely up to you, however I just want to post a little bit of information.
Did you know that intelligent people are much more likely to be depressed than others? You say that you don’t fit into society, and that your brain works differently to others, but that’s only because all that is true. But it isn’t bad.
It’s a little sad, the fact that the people with the potential to do so much are the first to want to die, but I guess it’s just a little test, isn’t it?
I want you to do something for me. You might find it hard, or you might not, but I want you to do it anyway.
Wait two weeks. Don’t kill yourself now, wait two weeks, just to be sure. If the two weeks end and you still want to die, ask yourself a question. It can be any question in the world, even things like ‘what’s one plus one?’ would suffice. You will ask yourself a question, and then you will solve it. Until you are absolutely, one hundred percent sure your answer is correct, you’re not going to do anything. You’re not going to die.
Sometimes this doesn’t work for people, other times it does. I just want you to realise something fascinating. Something amazing. Something you didn’t realise before. And then I want you to see that all anything needs is a little bit of time.
It doesn’t need to be beautiful.
it just needs to be interesting.
Because isn’t that why anyone chooses to live?
Because they’re interested.
thanks for replying, I only just saw your reply now.
I think I have above average intelligence but I don’t apply it and I am not really the kind of person who will somehow develop the drive to apply it, no matter how much I wish I would. I’m weak and wishing does nothing.
I don’t really want to wait two weeks although I know I should. I just can’t summon up interest in life anymore, no event no matter how great it is can really make me excited, no miracle no matter how unbelievable makes me feel much wonder.
thank you again and I will attempt to take your advice since my previous, ah, attempt went so pathetically.