This is really long I’m sorry

So it’s been a while since I’ve commented or posted on here. Before I found SP I felt worthless, purposeless and like a failure. I’ve failed at everything I’ve attempted in my life, but when it came to being there for you guys I felt like I meant something. Like I could actually help people like me. However, when those thoughts start to whirl around in my mind every negative, demonic energy creeps up and tells me why I’ll never be worth it and while I’ll never make a difference. I’ve always felt as if I was in search of something, something fulfilling. I’m not sure if it’s love, success, attention or God.

I just know I’m tired of feeling empty. I’m so tired of being depressed. I’m tired of fighting myself. I’m tired of letting other people tell me how I should feel. I’m tired of letting people tell me that there is something wrong with me and believing it. The past week has been the worst out of the past 2 years. You guys I have NO LIFE. No friends. No job. NOTHING. I sit in my house everyday. Most of the time for 2 weeks straight. You are blessed if you get to interact with other humans no matter how much they suck. I swear I feel like I’m losing my damn mind. I don’t want this. All I wanted to do this past week is die. I just wanted everything to end. I was just so tired of being a disappointment to myself and everyone around me. See, I love music and when I was a little girl it was all I wanted to pursue. As I’ve gotten older I gave up. There are a plethora of reasons why : my insecurities, guilt, fear, and the pedestal music culture has created for people with certain sounds. I gave up. I know it sounds cheesy and pathetic but I gave up. And no matter how good I want to feel about helping people (which I really do, I love you guys and I’m praying for you all) all of my dreams that I gave up on are haunting me.

It’s like I think people are thinking a certain way about me, and are feeling a certain way about me, when its just me… I’m making all of this shit up in my head. I’m the reason I’m not doing it and for the past week I just couldn’t understand why in the hell can’t I get out of my own way. I’ve calmed down and I actually read this article where this guy says “Don’t make any major life decisions until you calm down, drink some water and get a good nights rest”. If he was anywhere near me at the time of reading that I would’ve knocked him the hell out. I was so angry. So miserable.

You ever feel so much pain that you get sick, literally sick and tired? I’m sooo tired of feeling like this. Not I’m gonna kill myself tired. I’m “I’ve hit rock bottom and this depression has to go” tired. I hope you guys don’t think I’m talking like my life is so easy, because it’s not and it has never been. I’ve dealt with situations from being molested as a child, having my first suicide attempt at 8 years old and being constantly reminded of my failures (by family members). Just remember sometimes people suck, but if you need me I’ve got your back and I’m praying that an army of angels comes to battle every demonic energy draining you of hope and happiness. I know this is long I’m sorry.

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS!!!

-Jaybee