Had such a terrible day today. I’m really upset right now. So what do I do, proceed to get trashed. I don’t want to feel anything right now. The day started out just fine and my mood was pretty level as well. Work then kicks my ass and I have to remain calm and collected at work considering I care for people and all. I get on a group I don’t know but that’s really no big deal or so I think. A few hours in anxiety kicks in. My routine is off, I feel as if I have no clue what I’m doing. Then I hear one of my favorite residents is dying. We knew it was coming but I don’t think anyone suspected it would be this soon. She was ok three days ago. I make time to go say my goodbyes, she lies lifeless breathing fast and hard and as I say hello to her, she starts to calm. I tell her I’m with her and hold her hand, she’s not talking anymore but when I speak to her she opens her eyes. Apparently she had barely opened them in two days. I tell her she is safe and that we all love her. I tell her family (who I really didn’t know, because they never visited often) that she is such a sweet lady. They say she always had been. I squeeze her shoulder a little bit. I was about to lose it. I hear someone’s alarm going off and knew it was my chance to get out before I start crying. I hate crying, especially in front of other people and more importantly, especially in front of people I don’t even know. Maybe 15 minutes later a coworker calls to tell me she was gone. I am so sad. Her and I had a special bond. I always sang to her and she lit up. I haven’t really let it sink in yet. But I’m home and I’m gonna get nice and drunk now.
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I’m sorry. They are lucky to have such a caring person work there.
I love them like family. For some of them we are all they have. I wish I didn’t become so attached sometimes.
It’s probably hard not to become attached. As you said, they’re like family. You see them everyday.
Maybe instead of going home and getting trashed you should go home and have a good cry. When people we care about die, our natural tendency is to cry. Our society has taught us that in times of grief crying is somehow look upon as abnormal or weak. It is a sad commentary on our society. Go cry your eyes out. Tears do heal. Alcohol never helped the grieving-healing process for me, it only made it worse. I hope you feel better.
Lovedogs, you are right about alcohol never really helping but it was my first reaction. I probably will still have a good cry eventually but right now, I just want to be numb. I lost another very special resident recently and I was crying so much I thought I’d never stop. My line of work is tough in the emotional sense. But I do what I do because of my grandma. I couldn’t save her. I do everything I can do now to make my adopted grandmas and grandpas lives better.
Myself being a recovering alcoholic, I can honestly say that isn’t gonna do anything but give you a hangover and feel worse tomorrow, I applaud you for doing the work you do because let’s face it like you said, alot of those people get put there and forgotten, instead of getting trashed, maybe a drink or two so you can relax and unwind and think about the time you were lucky enough to spend with that woman
I am feeling a little better. I am just going to finish the beer I just opened. I think getting it out of my head helped today. I know I will have that good cry eventually but for now, I’m semi ok. I still feel it, I feel the super strong drink kicked in for sure but I don’t feel as self destructive. I appreciate the support I got here. Thank you all
You’re really strong, Wintergirl. I work in nursing homes putting in different care systems. I see people come and go often. Some of the sweetest people I’ve had a long talk about music, or jazz, or whatever it may be.
I haven’t had loss like yours though in a long time. I hope that you’ll be okay.. Drink alcohol today, but please know, everyone on this Earth has to leave eventually. Death can be peaceful. Think of their physical and emotional pain, it’s gone now. They are now free from pain.
And what you’re doing is like everyone else.. You’re absorbing the pain she felt like a sponge. And now you’re feeling the pain. The trick is to turn that pain energy into joy energy. There is nothing to be sad about anymore. They are free. There is so much pain in this world and she is now free of it.
I’m sorry, im more of a spiritual person, you can just ignore what i said here, like most people do. I don’t usually get people who understand what im saying anyways.
I’ll keep a look out for your posts wintergirl. Stay safe. We care lots about you.
hello winter girl, im so sorry of what you are going threw. it touch me when you said that you used to sing to her and she would lit up. Im sure shes in a better place now looking down on you with a smile. Im sure your company made her feel loved and shell carry that in her heart. Dont be too upset just remember the good times you spend with her, im sure she would want you too.
Secret me, thank you. She would not want me to be so upset because she is now at peace. She had a good life up until the end. I am glad I sang to her Friday. She would always love me singing to her, it would be whatever song too. I think she was just a huge music fan.
Darkwillow, you are wise beyond your years. Thank you for such a thoughtful reply.