I’m not doing anything being alive im tired of being alone. I actually went on a 2nd date today. Im supposed to have another one this coming week. That said i feel very little connection with her. Im grateful as i haven’t had a date before last week in years and very few in my entire life. I guess give it time but i just feel its always a matter of time until i get rejected again. Ive become unover someone i haven’t talked to in a year and will never see again anyway. I don’t want to live anymore in perpetual loneliness. There have been times this week when I have had gratitude. Grateful for where i am in life. Then the perpetual nothingness of depression of loneliness of being in this world disconnected from all things it shows up like a freight train. I want to hang myself. I miss weed that kept me even. Without it i feel like dying most of the time.
I hate that depression is who i am and what i am and always will be. I hate perpetual sexual frustration and irrelevance. I hate perpetual emotional frustration and irrelevance. I hate how hard it is to lose this weight. The physical weight the emotional weight all of it. I tried hanging myself so many fucking times to just survive. Its fucking ridiculous. I hate that I exist. I dont belong here or anywhere. Im so tired of being alone and old. Im so tired of my depression being triggered. Im tired of being ugly and fat. I’m tired of posting here. Im tired of missing people. I only want the peace of non existence.