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Why am I trying?

by The White Rabbit

I keep going, day after day, doing the same old bullshit while I wait to be crammed into a dorm with three other people for the next two years who will come and go and be replaced and whatnot. All so I can get a career in forestry to make me money while I go try to get a proper biology degree. For what? The only reason I do this is literally with the hope that humans will launch me off the planet to go die in space and maybe see some cool shit before I die. I have no hopes nor prospects for love, and I’m damned if I have a family.

I just wish I didn’t have to worry about this all the time. I wish i could be happy, or at least not always on the verge of tears, like everyone else seems to be. Life is like a bad highschool school day; I just want it to be over with already.

I’m… I’m just going to go pound a nice big bottle of honey lager and pass out. I’m sick of thinking about it all.


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Randall 4/29/2016 - 4:24 am

Good question. That’s the question everyone on the planet is trying to figure out. Why am I trying???
Maybe that’s the question that’ll drive us insane and to the edge. Maybe those who stop asking this question and just go about their lives are the happiest or at least OK with life as it is. ?? Anyway, good to ponder, eh?

The White Rabbit 4/29/2016 - 6:06 am

Indeed. I find it kind of sad that the happiest people on earth are also the most ridiculously stupid and vapid people. Meanwhile, those of us that actually want some substance in life and try to make make the right choices, regardless of whether they are or not in reality, seem to suffer the most.

Cordless 4/29/2016 - 6:11 am

I’ve found the same thing.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who’s noticed it.

Randall 4/29/2016 - 6:56 am

Right. makes sense. I have a lobotomy scheduled for tomorrow.

Luna 4/29/2016 - 8:41 am

Life can be utterly boring sometimes. You get into a routine and it becomes a day to day grind. Everyone feels this no matter how happy they appear or claim to be The thing to do is live day to day. The past cannot be changed and the future is constantly evolving by what happens day to day. Take moments to appreciate small things. None of us come with personalized handbooks to tell us if what we’re doing is right or if we’re going in the right direction. I’ve tried suicide a few times. What is helping me is finding myself. Life is about being happy and finding happiness. We are meant to fail. We learn from failures though and it molds us into unique individuals. Life isn’t a competition no matter how much people want to make it to be that way. Do what makes YOU happy. Be yourself and if people don’t accept it…screw them.

The White Rabbit 4/29/2016 - 6:26 pm

Very good advice. It’s just hard to try for happiness when you know you’re bound to fail and just be hurt again. At every corner. Whether it’s the idle pursuit of a mate or of a satisfying career, or even simply peace.

Luna 4/30/2016 - 12:09 am

To achieve happiness….it just won’t work with just outward Influences. Those are at best temporary and or not reliable enough. I’ve tried that my whole life (I’m 27). Being happy must first come from within. You can’t solely rely on happiness from a mate or anything else. The fact that you keep trying speaks VOLUMES. You know how amazing that is? You must first be happy or at least content enough with you. A failure doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, smart enough, worthy etc. A failure means it wasn’t meant to be and something better will come. As far as a mate is concerned…be yourself. That self you always wanted to be or daydream about. Nobody is perfect. It’s normal to be afraid of being hurt. It sucks so bad. I’ve been there way more than I can count. Peace comes when you become content and happy with yourself and all the flaws you see. As individuals we are our own harshest critics. Its influenced from outside sources so much. To be this…be that. Perfect hair, body, career life. NO ONE is perfect. This is what I do….
All the bad things I think about myself I say…
“Would I say this to someone I love…or a small child?” Odds are the answer is no. Then why say it to myself? Be kind to yourself. Failure is natural. Not every road will be perfect…not every relationship will last. You will get rejected but you know what? That’s okay. Everyone isn’t going to like/love us….and that’s okay. It means it just wasn’t meant to be. We are all trying to find our place in life. We all want to be loved and accepted. But first…we must accept and love ourselves..flaws and all. Your are worth love. You are worth happiness. You deserve to smile. YOU ARE WORTH IT! This isn’t just someone behind a screen. I’m a woman who understands. I care because I never want anyone to feel what I’ve felt. You matter…you’re important. That beating in your chest no matter how broken and bruised is proof of purpose. You wouldn’t discourage a child from trying to walk again after failing to do it would you? Same thing as a adult. Try to give yourself a break. 🙂
Its okay if you stumble. You’re not alone….you’re never alone. Hugs

The White Rabbit 5/1/2016 - 6:12 pm

I appreciate your words, I really do… but I’ve decided to give up on love. I can never love myself whether it’s the outside or the inside of myself. And love just hurts. It’s a useless emotion that I wish I could get rid of. But since I can’t I’ve decided to just not fall for it anymore. Ignore that emotion, strike it down wherever I can and try to focus elsewhere.

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