Don’t waste your time reading this post, unless you have the time and/or actually want to waste it. I’m writing this because sometimes I just need to let it all out. So the first thing I wanted to go on about is people. This is all in accordance to me and my bitching about everything and my opinions and feelings from personal or non-personal experiences. So, I shall shut up and begin now. Sometimes, I fucking hate people. Sometimes they suck. Not always, I’ve known some that have had a few not too sucky moments, but for the most part.. For me, people always leave me. Everyone leaves and sometimes I know why sometimes I don’t. But 9 out of 10 if I care about them (and god only knows how much I care about everything) and/or we had a good relationship going, it hurts when they leave. I can name so many people off the top of my head that have left, boyfriends, friends, people I used to know. Sometimes I leave but only for good reasons, I will never be someone to just stop talking to someone all together without at least talking to them, but everyone leaves me. And if any of those people ever read this. I’m sorry for whatever I did, I’m sorry you don’t need me in your life anymore. I just need to settle that because I hold onto things until I don’t feel I need to and it makes me mental sometimes. The second thing I wanted to address is something very important to me, and that is my suicide. I have this preconceived notion, if that’s the right word, that my suicide is going to go perfectly and just as planned and I will be glad I’m doing it and I’ll die where and how I want without too big a mess and all this stuff, but I have this huge fear of regretting it at the last minute or forgetting to add something in my note or something failing or not going right, and that scares the shit out of me because my death is the one big thing I get to chose in this world and this life, it’s the one thing I can make perfect for me, and call that selfish, but my suicide is partly for me to be happy finally and for me to end this how I want to end this. Obviously I don’t know what’s after death, but I’m hopeful and faithful and believe that whatever the case I will be happy, and I believe this for everyone that is in enough pain to end their lives short, that they will be happy, even those who don’t kill themselves, because I am just that kind of person. I’m not one to pray but I pray that it goes as planned. Next thing, when I’m not breaking down or my anxiety isn’t at an epitome or my depression isn’t dragging me down I get the most extreme bouts of nostalgia like you would not believe. Sometimes I miss a memory or moment or time period so much that I will cry over it. Because under all of the pain I am feeling now and the anger and frustration and hatred and bullshit I love everything. I like what I like but I love everything. And I cherish certain things so much, one of my worst fears is growing old and getting Alzheimer’s, because I know that these memories that I look back on so often are something that have been keeping me alive. But I know that they can’t keep me alive forever. I just think back to when I was little girl and didn’t have severe depression or anxiety or suicidal thoughts and was just carefree and naive and happy, or last year, when I was with my friends, and was pretty happy sometimes and actually had people that I believe loved and cared about me, and I miss it so much and crave it and want it back because those were things that made me happy, and I want that back. I have so many stories I would love to tell on YouTube, I always wanted to make a channel and just tell all of my stories and rant about everything and let it all out there but I could never do that due to various reasons. But that’s all for now, I figure I’ll do more of these when I need to let it all out next, but if you read this, you’re great, thanks,until next time, you’re lovely and stay alive so you can stay that way. Love from Hailee.
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2 comments
Hi hailee, just finished ur post. I believe we suffer from the same condition. Its called melancholia. I have memories that were happy times and when I think back I get so sad. Like the time my mum got me a toy car when I was about 5. Just as my parents were getting divorced. For some reason it meant the world to me and I can remember the feeling to this day.
Also, I lost my nan to alzheimers last september. A sad time. I was so close to her and my heart breaks each time I remember she is gone. Im so scared to inherit this, but I figure if I get it, the more good shit I have in my life, the harder it will be to forget it all. Anyway just wanted to say ur not alone hailee. Im with u.
Take care.
I once asked a woman I liked (and had been on a date with) why she stopped replying to my texts. Because I wanted some feedback. She said she had gotten back together with her ex.
I mean, all I can deduce from that is that he was preferable to me, but still, I am glad I asked, it sort of stops you wondering and takes you out of your own head.
With regards to death, I really hope you stay alive Hailee. Not in misery, obviously. Happy.
I think it is lovely that you treasure your memories and value all of creation (I am not religious, it just sounds good). Dementia is somewhat preventable if you exercise your mind and body throughout life.