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haileewantstobehappy

Hi, my name is Hailee, I'm 15, from Minnesota, and I have a strong passion for art, mainly writing, photography, fashion, and design.

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Can I Just Ask?

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

I apologize if this isn’t an appropriate question or you can’t answer it or something, let me know, but I was just wondering, have we lost anyone here on SP? I only ask out of curiosity, and I was thinking back to when I first joined here and there was this group of the same people that I would read posts from often and they would respond to mine and they actually helped me quite a bit, I know a few of them are still here but I don’t know, maybe I just come on at the wrong times? I miss those people that actually gave me good hope and related to me on things, just wondering if we’ve lost anyone to suicide or they just disappeared, if so, may they be safe and happy. Peace and love, Hailee.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Quite Upset Once In A While

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

I’m quite upset currently. For many reasons, it’s like I’m carrying an extreme weight all the time but it only bears down on me sometimes. Sometimes I can forget about it for a little bit but it is always there and it is always prominent, in the back of my mind or right infant of me. And right now it’s infant of me, and it’s staring at me like one of the demons from Supernatural. And i wield my invisable sword, and take a swing. Obviously nothing happens, because it’s fucking invisible, but i hold to the idea that I’m trying and perhaps getting somewhere, because that’s all there is to do. But tonights dirty silver platter is the incredibly overweighing, ridiculously enraging knowledge that I am the product of my parents biggest mistake. I am their biggest mistake. They have made mistakes, okay, so has everyone, but they really fucked up this time. They could’ve saved themselves while they still could, put me up for adoptionn,  let me die as a baby because atleast that would’ve saved me from this bullshit, ANYTHING, they could have done anything, but no, they had to let me grow up, let me experience more and let the fire infinite even higher, and for this I blame them, I will never, perhaps not even in the hereafter, forgive them for giving birth to me. It is the shittiest mistake anyone could’ve made. Sure, some of it is my fault as well, i could’ve been smart or pretty, or talented or a lovely human being that actually went somewhere in the world, but I’m not, they fucked up quite bad, I will be their biggest mistake until I cut my own cord and kill myself, and I’m sure they’ll be quite glad, despite what they say, so if they see this ever somehow..you guys fucked up. But I must also say I’m sorry for not being a lovely daughter, that’s partly my fault. But with that, I shall end this rant. You’re all lovely, so have a lovely night.  Peace and Love, Hailee.

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Coping SkillsGeneralI Will SurviveRants

Coming Back As Awkward As Ever (but hi I love you)

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

Happy Wednesday morning, everyone. I went through the effort to check my phone and see what day it is just so I could say happy Wednesday, see, I care that much about wishing everyone a happy day, you can say a lot of shit about me, but you can’t say I don’t care. If you were bored enough to read this and don’t know me, my name is Hailee, hi. If you were bored enough to read this and do know me, hi. Sorry I can’t think of anything more creative to say, and I have been wanting ever so slightly to post on here but I didnt know what to say, still really don’t. so sorry, I’m wasting your time, but if you are familiar with my most recent posts, I had a legitimate plan to kill myself on June 25th, the day of my 16th birthday. I was set on it, I was hyped, and eager, and determined, and prepared, and then some things happened, and (kind of sadly) I don’t think I’m gonna do it. That’s a big reason I  didn’t want to come back on here, I was so nervous and embarrassed to say that, that I’m (probably) not going to go through with it. I was so set, and I really thought it would happen, and I feel like such an idiot for posting like it was going to happen without a doubt, and here I am, oh so casually stating that I’ve decided to stay alive, and I think i hate saying it so much because it makes me feel weak. I’m not saying that everyone that decides to not go through with killing themselves is weak, i do not condone suicide and will never be one to tell someone to do it, but for me tone set and act all high and mighty and determined about something just to not go through with it makes me feel like a failure. I’m sorry to rant so much, but that was a big reason i haven’t been here a while. this month has been relatively busy but not in a great way, some good and bad things have happened, and right now I’m just taking my time on my ride (where are my fellow top trash at?) no but really, I’m not even 16 yet, what do i know about anything. a big fear of mine is regretting killing myself, I’m a spiritualist, i believe in post death existence and eternal consciousness and infinite energy and all that, so i believe that death is not the end, its just moving on, but i don’t want to be in my afterdeath state, and if possible, regret killing myself because truthfully i had goals, a shit ton of goals, still sort of do, I’m an idealist, a dreamer, i have played out scenarios in my head and they are a huge thing that keeps me going here. i do not feel that i belong anywhere, i hate to say it, but not even here. i read your posts, and i relate and cry and laugh and understand, but i feel like I’m doing it from the shadows, like you are all this lovely family and i am just watching from the outside. maybe that makes me selfish, my apologies, I’m not one for being able to do things right, but i don’t want to sit here and be negative, i want to be as positive as i can, but still be honest, but for me, honesty comes with a hefty price of negativity so i shall try my best, as thats the best we can do for now. I’m a writer, i have a lot to say, and be it you hate it (and me) or not, i shall do some of that writing and ranting and venting here, because this is as good of a place as any, maybe even better, i have met some lovely, amazing people here that i have told personal things to and grown a connection with (hi procel and dark willow and whoever else I’m forgetting) and some of you guys have actually really helped me. so thank you, even though i feel like an outsider here does not mean i am not grateful for all some of you have done for me, i am, eternally, I’m just still finding myself and my place and after my transformation, i will be here to update everyone, and if no one listens, ill be here to update myself and keep it real because someday, if i can, i may look back on my sp journey and take a trip down memory lane, so if you lost sense of what i was saying, I’m staying alive (for now) and i actually missed the shit out of you guys, and love you to death and beyond and i will keep posting, as well all do, for myself, and anyone who cares to listen and try to help as many as i can because its something I’m passionate about. i apologize for the long, drawn out post, id just rather keep it long and unfiltered, go Hailee style, I’ll be back soon with somewhere words and what not. Have a lovely morning. Peace and love, Hailee.

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General

one month!

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

Exactly one month until I get out of here (: I’m so excited. I mine as well try and make this month count. Sending love and positivity, Hailee.

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Coping SkillsGeneralStories of Hope

Acceptance

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

Acceptance is crucial. Kind of. And it happens to be relatively difficult for me sometimes. But I’m getting there. I have to accept that no one cares, no one loves me, needs me, or wants me. I’m insignificant and unimportant to anyone but myself. It use to pain me so much and it’s still upsetting but I now realize that even though it’s not ideal, I’m all I have, and all I need. I didn’t get very many good things in this life, but the one’s I did get I am grateful for. I’ve been holding off on writing my suicide note because I want to be in the right mind set when I do so. And I want to say all I need to say and to finish those last little things before I go. All I have is the small hope and faith and belief, and I shall hold onto that. This isn’t my last post, I still have until my birthday to go through with killing myself, but I’m accepting of it now (: which is a big step for me. So, stay lovely, and remember you are. Love from Hailee.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralRants

Because Monday’s Are Usually Shit, Too

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

Hi. So, I’m just posting not because I have anything important to say, I never really do, but just because I wanted to post, and for me, as well as like every other day of the weak and of my life, Monday’s are shit, too. You happy, sane people don’t relate to me on this and couldn’t care less what I have to say, and I don’t know why I’m here sometimes I just, like writing. So today sucked. Spoiler alert, it was another shitty day, none of my days seem to be any better than the rest, usually only worse. But some days I feel not so alone, today is not one of those days. Just something about it, everyone seems a lot happier than I was today, and I’m probably a piece of shit for this, but when I’m being my little depressive, mental self, seeing or hearing happy people will make me jealous. Sometimes upset. And I know that sounds hateful and I in no way hate happiness or hate when others are happy, but sometimes seeing others with something I don’t have but crave makes me sad and feel more depressed, so props to the depressive 15 year old girl that says useless shit everyday because I’m an idiot. I may just delete this but I just needed the quick minute to be annoyed and depressed and say how I’m feeling because I’m a cancer (zodiac) and I wish I could say fuck feelings, but feelings are just a part of me, sadly. But yeah I kinda just wanna listen to indie music and kill myself right now bu t whatever, I hope you have a lovely day or night or whatever it is for you. Stay beautiful, love from Hailee.

 

 

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Coping SkillsGeneralRants

Because Sometimes I Just Need to Let It All Out

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

Don’t waste your time reading this post, unless you have the time and/or actually want to waste it. I’m writing this because sometimes I just need to let it all out. So the first thing I wanted to go on about is people. This is all in accordance to me and my bitching about everything and my opinions and feelings from personal or non-personal experiences. So, I shall shut up and begin now. Sometimes, I fucking hate people. Sometimes they suck. Not always, I’ve known some that have had a few not too sucky moments, but for the most part.. For me, people always leave me. Everyone leaves and sometimes I know why sometimes I don’t. But 9 out of 10 if I care about them (and god only knows how much I care about everything) and/or we had a good relationship going, it hurts when they leave. I can name so many people off the top of my head that have left, boyfriends, friends, people I used to know. Sometimes I leave but only for good reasons, I will never be someone to just stop talking to someone all together without at least talking to them, but everyone leaves me. And if any of those people ever read this. I’m sorry for whatever I did, I’m sorry you don’t need me in your life anymore. I just need to settle that because I hold onto things until I don’t feel I need to and it makes me mental sometimes. The second thing I wanted to address is something very important to me, and that is my suicide. I have this preconceived notion, if that’s the right word, that my suicide is going to go perfectly and just as planned and I will be glad I’m doing it and I’ll die where and how I want without too big a mess and all this stuff, but I have this huge fear of regretting it at the last minute or forgetting to add something in my note or something failing or not going right, and that scares the shit out of me because my death is the one big thing I get to chose in this world and this life, it’s the one thing I can make perfect for me, and call that selfish, but my suicide is partly for me to be happy finally and for me to end this how I want to end this. Obviously I don’t know what’s after death, but I’m hopeful and faithful and believe that whatever the case I will be happy, and I believe this for everyone that is in enough pain to end their lives short, that they will be happy, even those who don’t kill themselves, because I am just that kind of person. I’m not one to pray but I pray that it goes as planned. Next thing, when I’m not breaking down or my anxiety isn’t at an epitome or my depression isn’t dragging me down I get the most extreme bouts of nostalgia like you would not believe. Sometimes I miss a memory or moment or time period so much that I will cry over it. Because under all of the pain I am feeling now and the anger and frustration and hatred and bullshit I love everything. I like what I like but I love everything. And I cherish certain things so much, one of my worst fears is growing old and getting Alzheimer’s, because I know that these memories that I look back on so often are something that have been keeping me alive. But I know that they can’t keep me alive forever. I just think back to when I was little girl and didn’t have severe depression or anxiety or suicidal thoughts and was just carefree and naive and happy, or last year, when I was with my friends, and was pretty happy sometimes and actually had people that I believe loved and cared about me, and I miss it so much and crave it and want it back because those were things that made me happy, and I want that back. I have so many stories I would love to tell on YouTube, I always wanted to make a channel and just tell all of my stories and rant about everything and let it all out there but I could never do that due to various reasons. But that’s all for now, I figure I’ll do more of these when I need to let it all out next, but if you read this, you’re great, thanks,until next time, you’re lovely and stay alive so you can stay that way. Love from Hailee.

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Coping SkillsGeneral

I’m here for everyone

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

I made a Kik specifically for you guys here on SP. Just in case anyone ever needs or wants to talk, vent, rant, etc privately, it’s anoynomus and I’ll get back to you as quickly as I can. Just so you know I’m here for all of you, whether I know you or not. The username is haileeonsp. Have a lovely night guys.

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Chronic PainGeneralMy Suicide Note

My Suicide Date (hopefully)

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

So, I think I have a date set. June 25, 2016. 6-25-16. June 25 is my birthday and this year I’ll be turning 16. I’ve always wanted to die on my birthday and I still have a little over a month so I’m ready to finally end my pain.

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General

I wish someone loved me

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

I wish someone loved me unconditionally. It seems that everyone loves someone and someone loves them, yet no one loves me, maybe I’m not worth loving.

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General

how old is everyone here?

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

This isn’t a very important question, I’m just wondering, how old are you guys? I’m 15 and a sophomore in high school, I’ll be 16 on June 25

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Chronic PainGeneralRants

i dont know what to do

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

I’ve only posted on here so many times but I’ve never really gotten deep into how I feel or what my life is like, mainly because I know nobody cares, but right now, things are so hard and I just really really wanna kill myself. The days are emotions range, I’m never truly happy though. I don’t think I can be happy on this earth anymore. Not until I leave it but I’m just at a really awful point right now and I don’t know what I’m looking for I just want to kill myself and feel so incredibly alone it’s awful.

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General

random questions at 3 am

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

I’m a deep thinker, as well as an overactive thinker, so almost every second of everyday there are numerous thoughts, worries, and questions running throughout my brain. Here’s one for anyone who wants to answer. What do you think you would be like and your life would be like if you didn’t know you were going to die? You had no awareness about what death is, or that it even happened. For me it would be pretty terrifying, mainly because I see death as my escape, something I will always be able to look forward to and count on because it is inevitable and is going to happen, but what do you think things would be like for you? would it affect you and/or your life greatly?

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Chronic PainGeneral

sometimes i think im insane

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

Sometimes I think I’ve legitimately gone mental. My mind constantly feels like it’s spinning like that gravity ride thing at the fair (some of you know what I’m talking about lol) but it gets to this point where I lose sense of my own being, and I feel so weird and abnormal, and sometimes like a different creature or a different kind of being. I can’t explain it, but my mind is a roller coaster and I think that one of these days I’m going to completely snap on myself.

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GeneralRants

why do we judge off of appearance?

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy
  • I feel like a proper idiot posting this but I don’t know where else to ask this and I know I’m going to get judged for it no matter what but I’ve been having really bad insecurity issues with my physical appearance. I feel like it’s the reason no one likes me, people judge so solely off of looks sometimes, is this why I’m single? Because I’m unattractive? It just fucking sucks and I hate the idea of plastic surgery but it might be the only thing I can do. I know, there are bigger problems, but this one has been getting at me the most. IMG_20150408_165623This is just a random picture of me, I usually only show half of my face because I absolutely hate the other side, it’s just worse looking
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General

is there any way to private message on here?

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

Self-explanatory question, I don’t really go on here too often or know exactly how everything works I know I’m an idiot but I was just wondering if there’s any way to direct or privately message someone through sp?

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Chronic PainGeneral

I don’t see a reason not to

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

I’ve been flirting with suicide a lot more lately, and I’ve realized that it’s the only way out of the mess called my life. It’s shitty, but it’s what it is. I wasn’t blessed with a good life or happiness, I don’t get the same things other people get. This isn’t a suicide note or anything, just writing my feelings. But I’ve realized that the only thing stopping me from killing myself is fear. It’s a cliché fear but I don’t want to stop existing for eternity. I just want to be happier. And there’s a tiny bit of hope that I’ll finally be happy and at peace when I end it. I’m probably wrong but all you can have is hope, faith, and belief. So that I shall keep. I wonder what I did to deserve all of this pain and loneliness, I continuously wonder. But I haven’t come to a conclusion on that. There are a lot of things I wonder, like why everyone hates me, or just couldn’t care less about me. Why I got a life filled with so much hurt and so many other people get all of these great things. Everyone has someone, even if it’s just one person. I have absolutely no one, and it’s just become too much to cope with. So I’m going to end my life, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few months, but that will be the one I get in this life that’s all mine to decide and make what I want out of it. I really don’t anyone’s gonna care that I died, I think a lot will be happy, one less mouth to feed, right. I’m just kind of waiting for the perfect moment, when I know what I have to do and how to do it. Please don’t pity me or anything, I’m not writing this for people to feel bad for me and I can already see the hate comments coming lol. I really just wrote this to vent, and I feel this to be the safest place I’ve found so far where I can do that. If you actually read this thank you, have a great day/night.

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GeneralRantsSuicidal Survivors

why hate on the hurting?

by haileewantstobehappy
written by haileewantstobehappy

I’m sorry if I drag this on, but I’m not one to hold my tongue when something is bothering me. So I just want to address this for a moment. Why do some people like to make people who are hurting feel worse? I don’t mean everyone, some people help, but others just fuel the flame and worsen the pain. I’m not referencing to myself, even though I’ve been in this situation before a couple too many times. But if someone is in pain, and using a post or blog, video, etc. to vent or rant or cry for help, there are 99.9% of the time those assholes that like to attack them or drag them even farther down. If someone says they want to kill themselves, what would possess someone to say “do it” or “go ahead, no one would care” these are things I’ve witnessed first hand, and it bothers the fuck out of me, yes, I’m sure some people do just say things like that for attention, but most of the time, it’s legit and they’re serious. Suicide and depression and anxiety and self harm and the millions of other mental illnesses out there are all serious and you need to take them seriously. As I said I am only addressing select people here, for those of you who do care you’re great but why are we so fucking rude and absurd to each other? We are all human, and we are all beautiful in my opinion, and I believe that we should help each other the best we can instead of hurt each other because I have seen way too may damn people take their own lives because either no one helped them when they needed it, or they did the opposite of helping. Some of us need to get our shit together. I figure I’m going to get a lot of backlash for this but eh, I’ll deal with it, it’s something I felt the need to address. We need to build each other up, not break each other down. Thank you for reading, have a great day.

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