Today I tried taking my life, i left home after greeting my wife and kids, having them believe that i was off to work. Instead i had planned to go to the river pop as many pills as possible and pass out. I threw up everything. Not deterred, i pulled out a knife and started cutting at myself, the blade was too dull, now imagine the feeling of being cut without actually bleeding, hurts like a ************. Still undeterred, i went home, locked myself away in a room and proceeded to beat the living hell out of myself…(picture fight club). I passed out, and when i awoke, i was still breathing. Why the hell am i not dying. When things got really bleak i asked my wife if she would end my life for me. Of course that was met with “you need help”.
So Now out of options, i dont know what to do. I have no strength to get up in the morning for work, Not to mention my face looks like a warzone. Im in a catch 22, i have not left this room as i dont want my kids to see my face, i have to leave to go to work as well.
I feel like screaming but the sound wont come out. I feel like im drowning in my own skin and that im a selfish bastard for feeling this way.
Will it ever end…………..
Maybe i should just come clean with my boss, “Im battling heavy depression and over the past two days Including my Birthday) i have attempted no less than 5 different ways of killing myself”. How would that conversation go? “im sorry you cant depend on me as i dont know when ill succeed”
That would be the right thing to do, however, my wise wife points out that I need the job if im still alive.
Im lost and stuck and my attempt at beating the shit out of myself was a result of wanting my outside to mirror what im feeling inside.
I am so happy that you did not succeed. It was not yet another or several failures. It was an experience, and if you play your cards correctly, a LESSON dear friend.
Please realize that in finding death, you are making your life and others’ more difficult than it should.
Why not dump ALL that courage, all that determination, and all that effort you put on the negative aspect of your life, on your quest for finding your death, into rebuilding your life?
Things did not get where they’re at for you overnight, did they? It took time. Just as it will take time to heal.
Take advantage of your situation, reaver141. ‘How?’ you will ask. My man, for every time we hit a low point, for each time we touch bottom, we naturally also get the chance for a rebound, it’s inertia or momentum, whatever you wish to call it. But it happens.
Living is not about the life being happy, pink, and peachy all the time, it’s about challenges and family. How we find our purpose and success, and by success I don’t mean becoming an accomplished professional, or millionaire. Domink is a 60-something homeless man I know who’s been living on the streets and shelters for almost 2 decades now.
He’s told me:”I’ve never felt happier than the day I said f**k it, and quit my job, sold my stuff, said bye to the fam, and just started ‘living’.” You see? For Dom, THAT is his success.
Your family doesn’t need to understand, support, or even encourage or discourage you. They just need to be there for you when YOU need them.
Whenever you want to chat, I’m HERE4UOK?
suesyd . nomore at g mail . co m
Take care mate, we have your back.
I feel u reaver. I have told two different bosses about my depression and addiction battles and they both really tried to understand. A lot of companies have employee assistance programs that can offer support and even psych help. I suggest u be honest, u will be surprised what an intuitive manager might already know.
Take care man.
Soco is absolutely right. Better come clean and you could benefit from the additional help.
Look, on the brighter side of things, if you end up losing your job, at least you don’t have to worry about that for a couple of days! Then when you find a new one (because you will), it’s off to a new start. At least that alone should keep you busy with work, and perhaps distracted from the rest.
Good advice. We are all often times much more transparent to people than we think, and it’s not rare to find out we are the last ones to see something when everybody else and their mom had already seen that a while ago! 😀