I’m 32, I failed at life. I suffer from PTSD because of sexual abuse during my childhood. I’m seeing a therapist, I’ve had lots of therapy in the past and I just can’t seem to get myself together. I hate it, I feel lonely. I know I don’t want to die but this is not living either. Ptsd symptoms started showing about 10 years ago when I fell in love, we broke up 1,5 years ago. I just felt like I was getting worse and worse. It’s hard to come by financially and I’m just tired of fighting of feeling like this . I’m done with the feelings of shame. I feel like a total failure, I’m constantly crying and I have felt like this for so long now, I’m so done with it. I’m looking up for instruction on how to extract nicotine from pipe-tabacco, if I make enough extract it will kill me in a short amount of time. If it will work, if it doesn’t I will be in extremely physical pain. I tried to kill myself before when I was 18, it failed because I did not know how to do it. I used to be glad that it didn’t work but I don’t feel like that anymore for quite some time now. Actually since the break-up, I do not want him back. I just feel totally messed up because of this relationship. I don’t know if he was emotional abusive in a way or that I was triggered so badly by the relationship that I projected my childhood abuse onto him. I most of the time think it was both. During the relationship I just learned myself all kinds of tricks to cope with the constant stress I used to feel. And now I’m 32 and I just can’t seem to make a decent living. I’ve waisted my life and I don’t know how to turn things around. I just want to give up on everything and leave everyone behind. I don’t care anymore if my closest friends are going to miss me or will be hurt, I don’t care anymore if my family will lose a sister, daughter, niece or aunt. I really don’t care anymore, I used to care because I didn’t want to hurt them but now I just lost this feeling. I just want to stop the pain. I want to stop the shame, the lonelyness, I just want to stop the feelings of feeling unlovable, or the feelings of being broken. I just want it to end. Maybe I will just hang myself, all the methods will be painfull and scary.
I’m sorry.
4 comments
You don’t have to apologize and you definitely don’t need to feel ashamed. Nothing which you mentioned deserves a shame.
I’m sorry you have to feel this way. I wish you all the strength to get through it. You still have more than half of life expectancy ahead of you. Plenty of time to make decisions and do what you want, what you desire. You don’t even have to start right now, you can take some time. But don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fault. And don’t be ashamed, be proud! Be proud that you were able to endure it all when so many couldn’t
Thank you for your replies, I always feel guilty about myself. I’m always ashamed of how I feel. It feels like it’s a burden I have to carry around, like it is my fault I got abused and it’s my fault the relationship ended. Because I’m the crazy one. It’s hard to ask for help from family and friends when I’m in pain, I’m afraid of rejection and at the same time when I do receive help I don’t feel like I deserved it and I close up. It’s hard to accept because there is this voice (me) inside of my head saying I’m pathetic and this other voice (my mother) telling me to stop whining.
I’m going back and forth from feelings of self-compassion into feelings of shame, guilt and suicide. When I’m on the compassionate side I can understand that the people who tried to fix me or the ones who are being harsh, are the people who aren’t able to be compassionate towards themselves. Because it works the same for me. And the closest friend I have, she is very compassionate and it just feels different when someone genuinely likes you for you.
Thanks for your lists, the focusing on the future thing because I have to make up for the years I’ve wasted…check, it’s a big one for me. Most of the things are the same for me on both lists. Not gonna do the nicotine-thing. Thank you both for listening and I’m going to make my own lists. It’s good to have a reminder hanging around. I have the urge to apologize for being a difficult human being and find myself doing this a lot. I shall not do it.
Thanks again, can’t say I’m suicidal-minded-free but today I mostly am.
Where I’m from it is 9 in the morning, writing to you from the Netherlands.
I tried the nicotine thing and survived it. Then I called an ambulance, worried about internal damage. Had to drink activated charcoal, which is an experience I could do without. Like scooping up wet sand and drinking that.
I don’t know what to say. I would love to say I could somehow cure you of the place you are at, but there is no way I can guarantee that.
I sometimes consider going back to taking quetiapine, because it numbed my depression quite well. Then again – it wasn’t really a life.
You could always try to make a list of what worsens your depression and what improves it, just to reflect on it. Mine would go something like this:
Worsens it:
Interpersonal conflict
Lack of sufficient, regular sleep
Surfing the Web
Eating sugar
A lack of sunlight
Spending way too much time alone
Procrastinating
Driving myself too hard, not letting myself enjoy life, always focusing on the future because I feel like I need to make up for having wasted years and years, and like I need to constantly improve myself to be palatable to the opposite sex
Crashing and burning (yet again) in a social situation
Being too self-deprecating
Thinking too much
Passing up opportunities
Jerking off to porn (sigh, porn: why must you be so alluring and so painful all at once)
Improves it:
Challenging myself, but not too much, just right
Getting my sleep
Cutting back on sugar
Reading a novel
Exercising a little
Communicating a bit with someone I genuinely like
Maybe trying to appreciate what I have, rather than lament what I don’t, haven’t tried it much, but I hear it’s what characterizes happy people
Realising that I can actually work on some of my weaknesses that I thought were just totally fixed, e.g. some guitar stuff I didn’t think I could do, and I realised I was just not practising it enough, because I considered it “hard”
Just people being kind, man. Or rather: woman. Kind customers, my they rule. They can be incredibly sweet, and I sometimes forget how amazing that is: to have a perfect stranger wish the best for me and show it
Walking. At least that used to do it
Treating myself to something
Hanging out with other people
Not sleeping alone (and I mean in a totally non-sexual way). Just knowing you’re not gonna wake up alone in your appartment is somehow incredibly beneficial, I feel
Bla, bla, bla
I just hope you make it through somehow
*virtual hug*