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It’s too much

by Amme in chaos

It’s just too much and I just feel sorry for myself and I want it all to end. I want to see the sun shine again. It’s been so long since I sincerely smiled. It’s been way too damn long since I felt things I could understand, since I was genuinely happy. I don’t want to be who I am. I want these thoughts to stop. They’re just too loud. I miss the times when I was actually confident and didn’t hate myself so much, the times I wasn’t so body conscious, the times I didn’t criticize every single thing I do, the times I wasn’t such a fucking idiot. I want to go way back in time before the scars and ugly cuts. I want to rewind everything, before the anxiety I wish I felt as empty and emotionless as I do now…then maybe I wouldn’t have the anxiety.  The thoughts started again and I want to mute them but I’m so damn weak and they’re too damn loud, I might just try to end it again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just disappointing everyone…probably piss everyone off too…

I’m screaming for help, I’m making it so obvious that I’m not OK and they said that they would understand me but they’re such liars…” It’s just a phase”, ”stop being so angsty”. ”You need to stop being so depressing”. I don’t know when I’m gonna end it but I can’t see anything past this year. You won’t have to deal with my crap anymore. You can spend more time and money on someone who actually deserves it. I’ve just wanted this for so long…but I’m probably just feeling sorry for myself…

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3 comments

muspelhem 5/19/2016 - 2:54 pm

Hey

It is okay to feel sorry for yourself if you are hurting. You feel sorry for others when they hurt, right?

Personally, I have been really clueless and passive when people were struggling. An aquaintance committed suicide, and I never realised she would do something like that.

So basically, we all struggle with life to some extent, and the easier you can make it for other people to help you, the more likely they are to manage to actually help you.

The clearer you can communicate what you need, the more likely you are to get it.

brokenandbent30 5/19/2016 - 11:27 pm

Just wanted to say I get it. I always feel like a downer and it seems like others have busy lives and are happy…or good at pretending. There is a void and emptiness inside that cannot be filled. It’s been like this for a over a decade. Sure some good moments come along and you have to go out and create those moments, but then it’s right back to the darkness. I’m sorry you feel this way.

Have you spoken to a therapist? I used to be able to feel grounded every week by speaking to a therapist. There’s been a big change at the place I go to (insurance changes) and now I’m lucky if I get to see him once a month.

Amme in chaos 5/20/2016 - 12:45 pm

Thanks

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