I cant do this anymore. I have decided that if things don’t improve by the 1st June, I am going to kill myself. I cant take the pain anymore.
And then finally I can be free of all the pain
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This is sad. I’m really sorry it has come to this for you.
Please don’t do that.. Would you like to talk about it? My email is devinbelver@yahoo.com
I’ve actually starting thinking about a date too though..
“Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else.”
I know that but the pain in me is too deep and staying just to make others happy when I am dead inside is pointess
Hey Skysie –
It was really heartbreaking to read your post. What you’ve been through is so fucking overwhelming and you are incredibly strong to have made it this far – and to be able to articulate yourself so well. I am hit by the usual guilt about my own sadness and depression that I feel when I see and hear about others who have suffered in ways I can’t even possibly imagine. My life is objective “good” – maybe even “great” – but I am lost in dark clouds, and sometimes wonder if I prefer it that way.
But – you – I just wish I could give you a hug of hope….I suspect that there is a literal ocean between us, but you certainly need some human contact and kindness to let you know and feel that you are not alone and that you have value.
My wish for you – no, my plea for you – is that you consider the opinion of 25 year old Skysie – and 40 year old Skysie – and 60 year old Skysie…..You don’t know what she would say, do you? You don’t know whether or not she would plead with you for a chance to be – or maybe thank you for giving her that chance to be. There are other lives you haven’t touched yet that you are supposed to touch – consider their input as well.
I have been feeling close to the edge like you – but even with my age (significantly older than you), I think about those voices from future me. And I think that they have some say in the matter. It is one thing to tell others to fuck off or to tell the world that it sucks, but you have a future that is more tangible than you think and turning the light out on today means for all time. I’m just not sure that is fair.
That is some perspective, but not really a solution…..You seem longing for a clean slate, and I’m not sure how you get it.
I’m happy to try talking some more if anything I’ve said here helps or makes sense…..I’m here for the first time today – I registered just to respond to you…..I was suicidal last week and lost a colleague to suicide yesterday……I’ve been reading suicide notes out of fascination/obsession……Yours hit me.
I’m so sorry for the shit in your world.
Eric
Hi Eric,
Thanks for your message. I don’t know if there is ocean between. I live in the UK, where do you live. I wish that someone would hug me and just tell me things will get better, I wish that maybe one day soon that my parents would be there for me like I have always wanted them to be. I wish I could have my best friend back but this is never gonna happen. I so want the pain to go away, I really don’t wanna go this way as I have a nephew on the way in September but the pain and the numbness is overwhelming I just want it to end. I have tried so long to fight the demons in my head but they are winning, taking my relationships with it. The saddest part is I had dreams as a kid, what I wanted to be, where I wanted to live but those dreams are gone along with me. I am not really living anymore I am basically like a zombie or sometimes even a ghost. Yeah I do want a clean slate but its hard to get that now as of my age.
I just don’t know what to do anymore
I could tell you were in the UK as I work in the US but we have an office there and I could identify some distinctive clues in your words and style….You see – connections can happen – understanding can be universal.
Dreams are a curse in many ways, I think….Pain and struggle is hardest for those who expected more from life and for whom others expected more…..In my case I think I have a great illusion of success and happiness – – – other than ranting against various US political figures (not gonna mention any names….trump), my posts are smiling people and momentous events….But I feel a failure – I feel a waste – I feel sad – I feel done.
Skysie – you said it yourself – you “don’t know”…..So it wouldn’t be fair to do something irreversible, irretrievable, unrevokable – when you aren’t sure…..What makes you feel old? You are not. I know – I felt “old” at 25, and again at 35 – but later I realized I was young at both stages. I could’ve done anything then – and I try to tell myself that 10 years from now I will think the same about today.
Most people might say to remember your dreams and chase them again….I say forget your dreams – don’t compare your today with what you’d hoped today would be….Clean slate….You have life….Don’t think about a journey, just take a step. Or just get up. Or just breathe.
Thanks again for your message. Yeah dreams are a curse. People have always seen me as a strong, bubbly, happy and bright girl but inside I am dead. I feel unimportant, a burden, hopless, a failure, stupid and pathetic. I guess your right if I don’t know,it wouldn’t be wise to do something irreversible. I don’t feel old really, I feel young and wonder what I did to deserve to feel like this at such a young age as all I have ever done is try to help others but have got hurt in the long run. I keep trying to get a clean slate but my past keeps repeating itself. Could I possibly ask you for some advice on something that is really hurting me the most?
Hi Eric,
Thanks for your message. I don’t know if there is ocean between. I live in the UK, where do you live. I wish that someone would hug me and just tell me things will get better, I wish that maybe one day soon that my parents would be there for me like I have always wanted them to be. I wish I could have my best friend back but this is never gonna happen. I so want the pain to go away, I really don’t wanna go this way as I have a nephew on the way in September but the pain and the numbness is overwhelming I just want it to end. I have tried so long to fight the demons in my head but they are winning, taking my relationships with it. The saddest part is I had dreams as a kid, what I wanted to be, where I wanted to live but those dreams are gone along with me. I am not really living anymore I am basically like a zombie or sometimes even a ghost. Yeah I do want a clean slate but its hard to get that now as of my age.
I just don’t know what to do anymore
I’m sorry. I’ve read your previous post and well… I wish I was there to help you somehow, to hug you so you can cry out all the pain you’ve carried all these years. Sometimes what people in your situation need is not words, it’s a sincere gesture of care and empathy. So, hugs!!!! A lot of hugs from the distance! *hugs* and a kiss to your forehead *chu* I hope that helps a little 😀
Well, if you’ve set a date, do everything you’ve ever wanted to do! Tell that “I love you” or that “I hate you” that you’ve always wanted to say to that person. Watch that movie, play that game, go to that place you’ve always wanted to visit. Buy that chocolate cake that you saw last week and looked delicious. Screw this month’s rent, you’re not gonna need that. Go shop that beautiful outfit, go get your hair done, use the very best of your clothes (or don’t, whichever you prefer).
Then, when the day is ending
and you’ve done all those nice things
do it.
Without regrets, because you’ve lived like royalty.
You have spent your last days cherishing yourself, loving yourself.
But please consider this: if you’re not able, it’s because it’s not time yet. And don’t blame yourself.
Whichever the outcome is, I’m here if you want to chat or something 😀
Or……maybe do all of those things that Kamidaka suggests, and then reflect on the fact that maybe life doesn’t have to suck.
Hi Kamidaka,
Thanks for your message. I would love for someone to give me a hug and let me cry it out. And thanks for the virtual hug. Everyones messages are helping knowing people understand and really want me to live. I am not sure whether I want to leave, I just want the pain to end and it seems like the only option I have. I just want to sleep and never wake up but then I also think how would my friends, brother and sister react. But the sometimes I don’t care how they would react. I honestly have no idea what to do, who I am, where I am or what I am doing? I have completely lost myself
Sky
Good luck!! I’ll just be a day behind you :0) getting close now and the reality is setting and giving me a few butterflies lol good feeling though, actually looking forward to it 😀