The website says “Howdy”.
Howdy. That does sound quite ironic.
It’s another day once again that begins “Let’s put off until tomorrow what we can put off until tomorrow” says the book I’m reading. A book by Murakami. A japanese author. Japan? It’s something that had some impact on my life, it’s funny how you and others associate things to yourself even though you don’t believe you exist. Sometimes I picture myself walking in a quiet japanese street between two rows of houses, eating a fish-shaped an-pan, just like in those animes I watched when I was in junior high.
Yes, exactly, with that piano OST from Durarara!! in the background.
Or better maybe: “Nichijou seikatsu”.
I often dream of this anime-like “nichijou seikatsu”
After all, what better than this? A simple, quiet and cheerful life.
Yet it doesn’t seem to exist, there is always something to do, always somewhere to be, always someone to please.
Because if you want to benefit from society you have to work for it too. Right? That’s perfectly normal.
Without getting into everything that goes wrong with our actual society, it is impossible for us to live a life of leisure without working. That is, very, very disappointing.
I played a game called “Touch Detective” when I was younger, no actually it is a game I do appreciate quite a lot. Working adult characters who don’t have any importance in the game are all disgusting mummy-like creatures. I couldn’t describe them better. They look like “The Scream” by Edvard Munch. This painting describes the anxiety of existence quite well.
Responsabilities, work, society. I don’t want to be an adult, high school is almost over for me, it was a great time, and I don’t want to grow up, all those exams are already stressful enough, everything is stressful, I’ll forever say my thanks to the coffee machine and the small cloister of my high school for taking care of my mental health.
I feel like spitting blood. I feel like a being made of tears. I feel like a cold stone bench under the moonlight.
This is how I feel, like the moon. A cold, rocky and pale thing, that looks empty and useless.
I caught myself liking the sun today, because it was cold outside. That “nichijou seikatsu” vibe again, something I’ll never have.
You will adapt like you always have. Don’t think about the future, only your present matters
In the present moment there is always this unsatisfactory feeling within me.
It is as if some kind of mud was filling my skin. It feels like mud, engulfing my brain and my body. It won’t go. No matter what I try it won’t go. I can’t forget it for long it always comes back. I don’t think I can do anything for it. It feels bad. But I guess I’ll have to do with it.
I feel the same mud whenever i forget who i am. It’s as if i’m not sure about anything anymore and all i want is to be able to press ‘retry’ until i am happy with myself. When i realize that i want validation from other people i convince myself that i don’t need it, and all i need is to stay true to my own character and not rationalize my feelings. If i use the ‘filter’ of society on my own feelings, many of them become awkward, impolite or inappropriate and i feel pressured to let them go and act ‘normally’. People make the mistake of assuming that everyone they meet is normal, and so they expect of people like me to function accordingly, and study, work and interact in a predictable fashion. It is why i dislike society, and the mud for me represents the inability to express what i feel and my lack of emotional freedom.
I see, I think I do understand this.
The idea that feelings and behaviors are much more complicated than what society tries to demonstrate is something I believe in. It is tiring to have to explain yourself to people when they keep pushing their simplistic view of a concept on you. Take the most common exemple, a romantic relationship, it is something very complicated to pin down and has many forms, so many I don’t actually believe this concept really exists. It is tiring to have to explain to people what you feel and them not accepting that it might not coincide with their view of it.
I do feel like many of my feelings are inapropriate afterwards and this makes social interactions quite disappointing. Maybe it has to do with language? I just came accross a passage in my book saying that communication was like an imperfect organism of awkward physical form.
Don’t talk to people if it makes you feel bad. When i talk, not often, i ignore any kind of ‘rules’, i use silence a lot and i don’t explain or give an answer unless specifically asked for. I am also honest and don’t overthink my answers, since there is more complexity in a simple ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘somewhat’ than in other parasitical elements of language. A lot of words usually suggest insecurity and confusion and can be disorienting for the other person or make them feel as if they have the upper hand in the conversation, so it is better to stay silent when you process ideas and give short, straight answers for the message to get across efficiently. Remember that you don’t have to stay in a conversation that you dislike, and you don’t have to excuse yourself in order to go, so just notify the person and leave. Your feelings are more important than your social image. In my situation, the more emotion i show, the worse i feel about myself so i choose not to display emotion even if it makes me seem antisocial. And because i seem antisocial, people don’t bother me much and when they try to communicate they do it ‘walking on eggshells’ not to hurt my feelings or make me feel uncomfortable. It is ironic, since most of them are less capable of interacting than i am, and from my perspective they sometimes come across as emotionally retarded. ‘Normal’ conversations are usually plagued by trivia and void of meaning, while ‘awkwardly silent’ ones that consist of very few words tend to reach a conclusion so they have meaning.
The term “howdy” is thought to have originated as a shortened version of “how do you do”? (There’s a Wikipedia entry on this informal greeting if you’re interested).