I have always had a inkling in the periphera of my mind that this life was just an elaborate level of many levels of a dream while in a deep sleep or coma. I have figured it is time to find out. Not because life is not worth living or simply because I only want to find this out. It’s just that my particular life is not worth living.
I have hit a dead end in my life. Even though I have contemplated suicide half of my teen years and all of my adult years, I have held on to some form or strand of someone needing me coupled with my death causing someone who I love immense pain. Two things now have stripped those away. I am useless to any and everyone and I would end up causing more pain by staying alive. To the few that love me as I love them. (Fuck the ones I love who do not love me.) And more pain for me. Unnecessary pain. This pain will help no one grow or learn lessons. This pain will not serve to toughen me or anyone else up. Nor will it create drama to pull people together against or for a common cause.
Let me explain. I have been falsely accused of the molestation of three sisters while they were juveniles and I was an adult and the rape of two of those same sisters during the same time period. Because it’s three against one, the state has a strong case against me. I will face minimum of 25 years but likely natural life. This takes away any usefulness of myself as a father to my young daughter. And even between now and trial, I serve no purpose to her (the only person I care to serve purpose for and loves me as I love them). Her mother denies contact till after trial only if I am acquitted. Which I will not be. My daughter is only allowed to call on specific holidays like Father’s Day. No texting or video chat or in person visits. At all. So I cannot help my daughter at all except financially based on that.
Which I could bow my head, suck up the pain, and plow on. Knowing that at least I serve at least some marginal purpose in her life as a monetary fund. At least it would prolong my suicide until right before or after trial. But until trial, the father that bailed me out has a condition of our bail agreement that I work for him. Which is fine but I receive no cash from him…and I must do every single thing he says. I am secluded from everyone except him (physically) and live in the spot of his choosing (where I know no one).
So, July 13th it is. I want to give a friend time to see me one last time and make one more pretrial court date. So maybe by the end of July if I fail on the 13th up till the 31st and/or I don’t see my friend till the last day of July. If I fail all of July, I will try again from 09/01/2017 to 09/30/2017. Only because I don’t want to do it in August, my daughter’s birthday month.
4 comments
Reading stories like this reminds me just how much i hate the legal system. In the UK, i have heard so many stories like yours. Over here, the mantra of innocent until proven guilty is so fucking twisted it doesn’t surprise me when people do desperate things.
Example: a person can accuse another of rape. Before it’s even gone to court for processing, the accused name is in the paper. That is an immediate death sentence in the community.
When / if the person is found not guilty, it doesn’t even matter anymore, cause the public are so hyped up on media distortions and lies, that the original facts of the case are forgotten.
The media then leave your name up, so future searchers see the bullshit and not the small print retraction.
I feel for you mate. No matter what you do, another family is going to be broken yet again by this sick fucking society.
I hope you can hold out and i hope you can get a not guilty if you decide to go that far.
I’m sorry if what i say causes hurt, it isn’t my intention.
What you say causes no hurt. The hurt I have gotten is from this case. I was already contemplating suicide after I left my wife and was going to make sure she and my daughter were taken care of until my daughter was at least legal age. Then, after I left my abusive wife, I started getting hope for the first time in my entire life since I became suicidal. And this happens.
My lawyer has no hope of a not guilty plea based on the type of people that live here and would make up my jury. I won’t give many details but suffice it to say that we have one of the harshest and heavy handed penal systems globally. I am too tired to see this through.
At least my daughter would not be able to see me bc I am dead and not a convicted child rapist. And her mother can save face with her by no one telling her that her mother didn’t allow her to see her father when he was free even though she knows he didn’t do what he was charged with.
I hope things will go differently!
I thank you for your sentiments. And, since I am replying, that means I have not died yet. But I have planned the exact way I will die now. My mind is settled. I cannot kill myself until this Sunday but now later than next Wednesday. I really hope I have everything done by Sunday so I can just get it over with. I am surprisingly calm. I am no longer overrun by grief or pain. Maybe because I know it will be done soon.
I have even dreamed of dying before but never have I dreamed that I was already dead. I met people who were already dead. Some I didn’t know were dead for sure until I verified it a couple of days later. I felt so much peace in that dream. I hope it is true. That I either cease to exist or find eternal peace.
Mr. Meeseeks out!