I won’t be able to handle life anymore

I am 16 and in a week I’ll be 17.

Today my dad spoke with my teachers and talked about how I’m doing in school (grade 11).

The usual stuff they say:

• I’m quiet

• I sit alone (in some classes)

• I don’t participate in classes

those kind of things.

My teachers also said how bad I’m doing. And my parents didn’t react that well.

My dad is pissed at me.

And my mum hates me. She always says that “I’m useless” and that “no one will hire me for a job” and that “I’ll be picking up garbage and living on the streets.” And she’s always adds that “I’ll be dead and I won’t have to see you suffer.”

It hits me hard and usually I wait til she cools down and make her talk about something else when we’re having a conversation.

But lately, she has been ranting about me and how I’m a failure.

And she is right.

That’s why I hate myself. I’m too scared to commit suicide but I always think about killing myself. I almost cut myself once, but that would be bad if people ever found out. So I just cry at night and when I’m mad I clench my fists and take deep breaths until it goes away.

I know my mum secretly hates me. She dislikes me at the very least. But I know she wishes I was more than what I am. I think she wishes I was more like my cousin. My cousin is a good example of what she wants me to be. She is only a few months older than me and we are fairly close. My cousin is doing well in school, has a job, volunteers at Salvos, she is pretty, goes to a youth group, is confident, etc.

But I am completely opposite. I am failing school. I never had a job, and I would get one, but I’m ugly and fat, thus my mother saying, “no one will hire you” and that I’m “fat”. I don’t go out often and I’m shy. I have lost a little weight, but not fat. I was fasting the other week and barely ate anything, but I stopped because I heard I could gain more weight from fasting. I’m shy and quiet but I try to talk to other students but they seem to not pay any attention to me. I have friends but most of them drifted away or barely talk to me. I’m the person who walks behind everyone and gets left behind and doesn’t get invited to hang out.

I know people who have it worse, and I was tempted to go to the school counsellors once, but I never did. No one ever notices me, but when they do, they see nothing or look at me with disgust.

I have to push those suicidal feelings away, but one day, I know I won’t be able to handle it anymore.