I’m utterly useless! Pointless in every professional way, however that is not something I caused. I love it, this is the closest I’ve gotten to proof of that. They can’t build the stupid offices so that I can see clients regularly.
I know all about construction deadlines and whatnot and the time it would take if an adept and agile company was trying to do this. However this is the state where I live, the same entity creating the education system I so strongly want to get my family away from.
A diseased body cannot help but behave diseased, so delays and delays. I’m fully trained, but they have nowhere to put me. They’re even interviewing more people, to be useless! The problem is that they are understaffed, they need the office space.
Anyway, I’m just enjoying the alegorical moment. My boss today said to me “You are very competent and a valued member of this team, I just have nowhere to put you.”
I mean this is the apology I was wanting from God. But from a state employee? Might be the best I get.
They made too many of us bookish young men now in our mid 30s. The world doesn’t need that many programmers, psychologists or other similar work. There’s no space. It’s no lack of competence, or even VALUE.
It’s just shabby treatment. Ha. I talked to retention today. They have a retention team, hilarious, necessary and sad, but hilarious from where I sit. I didn’t sell it short. Day to day, I don’t know how long I’ll last here. I’m betting on weeks to months now so the outlook is better, it used to be years. It used to be up to me, now it depends on my health.
I told them to stuff the productivity management software, we aren’t call center employees. Damn metrics, every now and then if I push too hard an irresistable voice shows up in my head shouting “FUCK THE METRICS”, and I have to go cool my head, not easy in 101 degree weather. I didn’t tell them that last bit, fair, but that would be revealing a weaknesss. I only wanted to roast THEM.
That’s one of my big sensors, I’ve gotten it to quiet down a bit. However…. it was getting louder. This is an example of a way my body would make me quit. My inner mind is much more strong willed than the me running the show these days.
So I have to keep it in balance. It’s not a war I’ll win, not sure I want to. What’s left of my hopes and dreams is going to get me out of here….. no matter the cost. Still frugality.
I enjoy being useless though, because it’s honest. Trying to justify myself, that’s the fraud. I can’t, I didn’t have as much input as you may think on my upbringing and education.
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I understand the feeling of feeling useless…
I mostly studied and kept to myself as a kid growing up. My upbringing was relatively balanced in all honesty, but after school and college, I’d just sort of fell off.
I can cook and clean and wash my clothes, but I’m shit with cars and tools and what not. I suck at being sociable. I’m okay at best with computers and IT stuff, basic math and science, but I lack the things to properly survive.
I’m finding myself just slowly cutting people off, and trying to just get myself going. It’s not going well.
With the way things are now, everything is metricized. It’s all about productivity and how much you can give to your job, your family, etc. Otherwise you’re worthless.
The funniest thing about all of this, is that it’s really down to one’s childhood, how someone was raised, their own development and mental state that makes a person who they are. I know I’m a mess in my head, so even if I’m “smart”, my own brain sabotages me every day.
It’s like what can we even do? I commend you for having some level of faith remaining to get back on the saddle.