Things have gotten better. My bad luck finally leveled out. I got my van back after 3 fucking weeks. I moved into my place. My dad went back home today. Things are stable enough to allow me to start buying parts for my PC again. Even though I failed my intern project, something was worked out to where now all I have to deliver is a report. Bores me to fucking tears, but I should still try to make it good. Kinda phoned it in last week and spun my wheels. Can’t afford to do that, but I think I was so let down by everything that I couldn’t bring myself to try. I hope I haven’t wasted too much time like an absolute dipshit, but I’m known to disappoint myself. This week I’ve committed myself to go to a summit for Corp Z. The exact same summit from two years ago that triggered my first ever manic episode which is possibly the most traumatic event I have experienced so far. Yay. My manager was insistent that I go, even though I really fucking didn’t want to. But I’ve already disappointed him enough so I couldn’t really say no. I’m just going to have to try my best to look like I want to be there while simultaneously blocking out any sort of emotion that would make me want to blow my own brains out right then and there. I know being there is going to make me feel like absolute shit. For more reasons than one. Memories of the manic episode, the feeling I don’t belong there, comparing myself to the other fellows, having to smile when all those stupid speakers go on and on about how important it is that I’m there and how much I deserve it after all my hard work yada yada yada and then remembering the irony that I completely fucked up my internship project. That last part is probably the worst. Because I bought that bullshit two years ago. That for the first time in my life I didn’t feel like a fucking failure. And then it broke my brain. This is going to be agony.
Her birthday is next week. I’m thinking of her more and more. Still have to call her. I lost the bet. I say that, but my dumb ass would have found any justification to talk to her. I love torturing myself. Any scenario where she responds in any way is a delusion. I know whats going to happen. I know. Straight to voice mail, leave a 10 second message, silence. I’d bet all the money in the fucking world that’s what happens. But yet I can’t help but imagine what I’d say if she picked up. Would I cave and say “It’s fine. It’s ok. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me and things were hard and you’re the most precious thing in the world that could do no wrong. Those 2 years of you ghosting me were nothing.” Would I stand my ground and just deliver the message and nothing else? Would I chew her out? I have these fantasizes of sticking it to her and acting all aloof and cool and distant. Act like it doesn’t bother me that I was basically nothing to her because ultimately nothing matters and there’s no point in being mad. That I wouldn’t cave and try and text her and call her excessively like I used to and say that if she wanted to talk to me she knows my number because I’m not going to be the one that extends his hand first every time like I used to. But I know that she won’t pick up. That she won’t call back or text or anything. That she might not even see that I called because she hard blocked me and the calls don’t even go through now and the voice message doesn’t show up. But there’s a small sense of petty satisfaction that she might feel a pang of guilt if she does see that I called on her birthday because I remembered. I know that makes me a huge prick and that if I really cared about her I wouldn’t try to screw up her day. I know.
Side note I managed to win for the first time with my Melek commander deck. He’s a mid as hell commander, but it’s the first commander deck I made from scratch so I was really happy.
4 comments
It sounds like you’re doing really well. That’s really nice to hear. I’m happy your life is leveling out a bit. Relish that good, positive feeling, it’s nice when it hits just right. I hope it stays that way.
I’m so glad your bad luck turned around! Sometimes it goes up and down like that. And if it goes down again, and you feel that despair, I hope you keep in mind this experience, that it eventually could get better. I know it’s hard in the moment when everything looks so bleak, but maybe you’ll look back on this post and see that bad luck doesn’t always last forever. I’m glad you wrote it.
Regarding this ‘she’… it sounds like you’re seeing the situation very one-sidedly. You’re only thinking about how much the situation hurt you, and not putting any thought into what she might be feeling. This is understandable, it’s hard to see things from someone else’s perspective, but… try. I don’t know why she doesn’t want to talk to you, but whatever the reason, 2 years of ghosting makes it very clear that she’s drawn a pretty hard boundary, and it’s really important to respect other people’s boundaries, even if it hurts. We can’t force people to have relationships with us. They need to want it too.
This would be all well and good, but she never told me why. She just left. No explanation. She has ghosted me several times before showing up again and saying she was in a bad space. And everytime I forgave her. Told her that it was OK and it wasn’t her fault. She told me she cared about me. That I was an important friend. Then does this shit all the time. If she never felt that way, then fine. But at least have the guts to say it to my face. Maybe I’ll take it well, maybe not. But complete silence is getting real old. I’m tired of blaming myself and finding the faults in what I did and giving her a free pass.
I understand how hard it is not to have closure, but unfortunately, it happens. Believe me, I’ve experienced this many times. You shouldn’t blame yourself for her ghosting, you’ll drive yourself crazy overanalysing your actions (again speaking from experience) and I’m inclined to believe that if she won’t give you a reason, chances are you did nothing wrong at all and it’s a ‘her’ problem, especially if it’s happened before. Sadly, some people don’t learn from their mistakes and there’s not much you can do about that.
When this happens to me I try to end amicably. I let them know I’m sorry to lose them and I will respect their wishes, but I’ll always be there for them if they need it. Very rarely, sometimes they come back. One friend took over a decade, apologized for being a bad friend, never gave much explanation but I expect it had a lot to do with her addiction and other problems. It hurt for a long time, I assumed she OD’d and it was stressful not knowing. But there was nothing I could do, so I had to do my best to forget. Sometimes they circle back, but sadly the vast majority of the time they don’t, and you just have to learn to be ok with that.
You probably didn’t do anything wrong ‘then’…. but you are doing something wrong ‘now’, by not respecting her boundaries. And that disrespect is going to kill any chance that she will some day reflect and feel remorse for her actions, because your harassment is only justifying her ghosting at this point. The only hope you have of getting what you want is respecting her wishes at this point.