I know there’s things I should be doing. So, so many things. Enough to occupy several lifetimes. Instead, I do nothing. Day after day. I don’t have it in me, to push myself to do anything even remotely challenging. What’s the point? Will I be happy on the other side? Will I feel any better? I can’t imagine feeling better. I can’t imagine not being filled with regret, fear, anger, hatred, and despair. I can’t imagine trying to go to sleep without this deep sense of wrongness.
I should probably try something radical, to reshape my brain and emotions. Drugs, probably. But that requires effort to source, and dealing with scary risks. Intellectually, I can see there might be benefits. But emotionally, I can’t connect. I can’t see the route to feeling better. I can’t really believe in it. I’ve been lost for so long, wandering around in this fog. Since I was a child. I don’t really know what it’s like to be an adult with hope, or a sense of meaning, or a real plan. Maybe such a thing doesn’t exist.
19 comments
Sorry, but medication won’t help you. At best, it dulls your emotions and leaves you feeling like a zombie. Unless you’re talking about street drugs in which case I have zero knowledge of. Though…I’m not sure any street drugs would help in the long run…unless it’s ketamine. That’s the only thing I’ve heard that actually helps some ppl.
sadly, it’s near impossible trying to find a dr that’ll prescribe ketamine AND have it paid for by insurance- unless u get it the street route.
I’ve heard good things about ketamine too. And some psychedelics. Drs where I am can’t prescribe anything like that. So I’d have to try and find a reputable seller, and run the legal gauntlet. Which is intimidating, given I’m probably one of the least streewise people alive. So I don’t do it.
lol you’d get totally ripped off like i would be if i tried buying it off the street. the ppl that sell illicit substances can smell a newbie. we’d totally get taken.
You can obtain ketamine legally and on your own in my state. There are ketamine clinics. I don’t live in Colorado or something. Just google ketamine clinics.
You can obtain ketamine legally in my former state too (CA). One of the most liberal states. The problem is 1- getting a dr to prescribe you it and 2- getting insurance to pay for it. Yes, if you have the money, you can pay for it yourself, but it’s very expensive, especially since you need to have multiple sessions.
I had a dr that was willing to give me ketamine, but it wasn’t covered by insurance and i can’t remember how much it was, but it cost too much for me.
“The price for an infusion is dependent on the type of condition being treated, with prices ranging from $400 to $1,200 per session. Most Insurance companies currently do not cover ketamine infusion treatments. ”
I’m not discouraging OP from getting ketamine- if I were I wouldn’t have mentioned it. It’s just very expensive for most ppl to pay out of pocket for.
Isn’t that the real kicker? I’ve learned that anything that might actually WORK in life, costs an arm and a leg. -_-
I believe all “recreational drugs” are illegal where I live (UK), except a few clinical trials. Successive governments wanting to appear “tough on crime”.
The lack of will is a ***** isn’t it? IDK how to overcome that either- after life has kicked me down so many times, you just give up trying and no longer feel there’s any hope or any good things coming. but you also know that not trying leads to 100% failure, and then you kick yourself even more. Ah…the vicious cycle…
well, in general I’m pro drugs, over the counter, prescription, some illicit. Yes, they have a dark side. If you go in knowing that it’s a different thing. Eternal is right about anti depressants, what they do is dull things. Almost everything takes the edge off, which is dulling.
Cannabis is probably the best due only to variety of outcomes, there’s varieties that up energy and types that help with sleep. It’s been helping me quite a bit get off the harder stuff.
but I can respect people who it’s not part of their life being hesitant. I hit screw it a long time ago in this regard. A bit less pain, a bit more function…… yeah I’ll take that. Still yet, I’m trying to get off some of it. Ideal world I wouldn’t need any of it.
I probably should try weed. It’s just illegal where I am, so… shit scares me.
It’s legal where I used to be before I moved. I tried it bc literally EVERYONE was like “you should try weed for depression/sleep/etc” and “there’s no side effects.”
So I tried it once- and holy cow- it was a HORRIBLE experience. It was during a meetup held at someone’s place, so we were all laughing, sharing our stories, etc. I was having a good time. I felt nothing from the weed so I didn’t do anymore. I then went home and about 30min later I suddenly careened into super suicidal mode. It was the strangest thing, bc 1- I’ve never done any drugs or weed and 2- the effects were SO fast and so profound (and no, I only took like 2 hits (puffs), not much). I’ve never gone from happy/having a good time to suddenly feeling super duper suicidal within like an hour.
Anyhow, if you’re like me and generally don’t take anything “illicit”- I’d be careful- especially if you have to get it on the street. I used to live in CA so everything was legal- ppl can buy it safely in the stores- and even then, idkw what strain I took affected me like that. Everyone said that was weird and it shouldn’t happen, but it did to me. And no, I took nothing else new or different that night except for like literally 2 puffs. Go figure I’d have a reaction to something literally everyone said was awesome with zero side effects. -_-
I think if I did get anything I’d probably try to get it online through the dark web, rather than on the street. From what I’ve heard seller’s there seem to run things more like a business, with standard prices etc. I think I’d also have to buy testing kits to check anything I bought, to make sure it wasn’t cut with anything nasty. Seems like a lot of hassle though, and the idea stresses me out.
I think buying weed generally* ought* to be safer since ppl don’t cut weed like they do the harder stuff (key words generally and ought lol). heck, i had a roommate that grew this stuff back in CA. weed is easy to grow and sells for pretty cheap, so less tamperings. but yes, one ought to be careful, especially since you’d be new at this.
also, be careful on what strain you buy. i have no idea what strain i had, but whatever it was, crashed my dopamine levels and i felt super suicidal within hours. but maybe i just got screwed and tried a strain that didn’t work with my body (everyone else at the party was fine). now i’m too afraid to try it ever again O_o
It’s just excessively legal where I’m at. It’s medical only, but I don’t know anyone without a psychiatric disorder. Mostly some attempt to please the absent father. Which I think should diagnose as overwork, and get a class in reconditioning such that they are effective.
** Music Sting ** I have had better luck than most when it comes to this wacky weed. I managed not to touch it until late teens. I was often around it, but I was a clean cut kid. The same is true of nicotine.
My divorce hit me hard. I lost all mooring to morality, sanity, will to live. So I was taught by experienced stoners, because these are the people I have always gotten along with.
Then I leaned in on that. These people are “disturbed”? You need that monitored and dealt with, right? Who better than me, who you’ll be seeing on the other side of that glass someday.
It’s a perk of the job in my case. My last gig I was considered “safety essential” crew, which meant they could pretty much put a stop to any party I wanted to have. Which made it a no go, I let my licence expire.
But this past month after checking with several other departments we are indeed allowed medical cards. We’re allowed to use them.
Geez healthcare, med cards, lots of stuff. However converting that stuff into cash and moving is harder. I need to be working up a sweat more, and it does help with that.
I find it has a healing effect on my sense of calm and level headedness. Getting the dose that right takes a while, but the journey can be worthwhile. Geez I wish I could just bring in a lovely band of stoner hippies and have them initiate you. Become a monk of nothing. Or some other person under holy order to stop taking things so seriously?
It’s a mashup of times I actually partied and hippie movies I watched growing up. Some of them happened though and so now getting high is reliving those.
maybe it’s just a good old days I like to revisit, even if those days were crap to the point I got out of my head.
About weed:
Done it twice and never again, once in gummies, once through normal smoke.
Def helped to calm me down. Granted I was with friends and we were having a good time anyway, so I figure that played a role.
As for the gummies, well, after about an hour or so, I’d felt like my body was going into like seizure mode, but my friend basically was telling me to just go ahead and chill and I lost myself in Kingdom Hearts 3 for hours after that. Thought I was one with the gummi ship lol. I mean I know it can be different for different people, but the majority of people seem to mellow out immensely after using it. I don’t like drugs because I don’t want to use them as a crutch and screw myself over even more…
ok cool, glad i’m not the only one that had an adverse reaction. literally everyone i talked to was like “omg weed is so wonderful, there’s no side effects, no negative effects”
don’t know what state you’re in, but edibles are fully legal in 23/50 states, only 6 states where it’s fully illegal. if it’s legal where you are, you can buy online. but do your research. edibles may work for some ppl, and not for others. has different effects too.
https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/edibles-legality-by-state