The most interesting thing to me is how when you take an addict, or other dependent type and you start to ween them off whatever they’ve been on, and stuff will start to happen to try to pull them back. Up until you start trying to dry up, it seems like a bad idea.
However somewhere on the way up, you get smacked in the face with some obstacle, and that obstacle is probably what was keeping you hooked in the first place. This happens with behavior change too, maladaptive behavior trying to swap it out, you’ll find out why you started on the way back up.
So I reached the point today the only thing keeping me out of the hospital was nicotine. As in, I was staring at my vape, thinking “if it weren’t for you, I’d check myself in at this point.” I was that pissed, that tired. My stomach hurt, it’s been hurting. I’m so sick of work right now. I’ve taken all the time off I can. It’s time to face the music and live with the beast.
I have good moments here and there, I won’t lie. However, I broke, and I took some of the meds I had been weening myself off of. Then when I got home from work, I took some more. A major backslide is what I’m having, and I’m more okay with it than I thought I’d be.
It’s this thing I’m turning into, this person who believes the ends justify the means. That next line in the story I want to write, why I want to leave this job;
“The call of the forest was too strong, I had to answer it.”
Getting to that line, finding that on my terms is so important to me I keep moving my will to do things I didn’t know how to do.
So, when I’m free, I can get sober, I believe that. Maybe sooner than that. However not today and not this week. When it’s the hospital or relative freedom and nicotine, and THC, and so many things.
Reason to live, reason to do things I don’t want to do. Same thing really.
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If you had to choose what to get rid of and keep- get rid of the meds but keep the THC- there isn’t any reputable study that says THC is bad. But plenty of bad for psych meds and nicotine.
Yup, there’s a reason why SO many people are either on psych meds or drugs- psych meds to numb themselves from the shit world/shit workplace, and drugs (drugs, alcohol, THC, etc)- to destress. Hell, add cutting and overeating to our sad attempts to destress.
I’m sorry you’re sliding back- you were doing so well. If anything, try to keep the other stuff at a very minimal dose.
Something important I’ve learned about psychological battles; they’re always less emotional than I want them to be.
So even though me back sliding and still being stuck breaks my heart a bit, the other part of my brain, the part that wants to be sober is screaming that heartbreak is actually more likely to keep me on the meds than to get me off of it. Yes, I consider getting off the psych meds sober, even if I still had THC, and I’d like to get my nicotine and caffeine down to reasonable levels.
I slipped on caffeine today, it is what it is. I hate food, and my stomach.
It’s okay, as long as I’m not lying to myself about this moving project, as long as that is true it’s a strategic retreat. Because I managed two weeks of sobriety, while working. This isn’t an easy job, that’s worth something. It’s the job that I’m buckling over too. I could have stayed sober and ran…… and I was tempted to go that way.
But remember what I said; emotion is often the wrong choice. If it feels good, I distrust it. That would have felt a hell of a lot better. The title isn’t ready for the move for one, and for two I’m flat broke. Which is probably part of my issues.
So I’m enduring, and part of that enduring includes these blasted drugs. It’s believing that these ends justify these means. I want to turn the page on this chapter on my terms, not anyone else’s. Plus my boots are coming to this adress…… so I’d be out a few thousand on those if I ran now.
There’s even a small part, incredibly small, that believes that maybe a higher power has a plan. I have a specific property that I can’t afford on the current budget, but it’s feasible the house could sell for enough for me to get it. It’s within the realm of possible. It’s been on the market a year, do you know what that does to a seller? A cash offer also does a lot to them.
so that little hope keeps me pushing, but the bigger hope that I might be able to get something decent anyway keeps me afloat when that little hope doesn’t seem like enough.
ooch, those several thousand dollars boots. they better feel like heaven lol. post pics after u get ’em.
i’d be paranoid about getting them dirty if i spent several thousand dollars on a pair of boots O_o
well, it’s two pairs of 700 dollar boots, and yes, I’m paranoid about my $400 dollar boots, heck I’m paranoid about my $300 sneakers.
It really doesn’t matter what you spend though, if you can’t replace it, you’re going to be scared for those shoes. I think I lost one of my pairs of loafers on this last trip, only a $50 pair at most….. utterly replaceable you’d think, but I can only get loafers like that second hand, and I have to wait for the market to have a pair like I like them……
but I buy a pair any time I find them, because I know how finite they are. Italian sheepskin loafers, heaven on the feet. All the nice shoes I chase are….. I got into a conversation with a specialty shoe store owner, for diabetics, and it was so interesting getting that perspective.
Most people don’t value their feet until they get them injured. Then I realized I had trauma, my granddad who I took care of while he was in his final years destroyed his legs and feet. At the end, he could barely walk, it was misery. I vowed to keep my legs til the end.
so I burn through nice shoes…… it seems a small price to pay to not see my feet go to seed. My mother’s feet are already on the way to falling apart. Not sure about my dad’s…. but neither of them put much effort into their shoes, or clothing in general.
It’s so much though, comfort, and how other people see you. When people see my shoes, they know I’m something they haven’t seen before, because as often as not my shoes are something they’ve never seen before.
how long do u need to work to save up to be able to buy that parcel of land? on the “up” side for you- there’s going to be a massive economic downturn coming- all orchestrated by the elites ofc, to rob the middle class of their wealth. they’re going to swoop down and buy up tons of property on the cheap. you gotta make sure Blackrock and whatever other vultures don’t get to the land first.
sadly, the economic downturn benefits only those that have money, and for the rest, we are screwed.