A lot on my mind. As usual. Trying to figure out how to say it all. Probably won’t. Best place to start is probably the new medication. Had my psychiatric appointment this past Wednesday. Told him the usual spiel. Anxiety, fear, the feeling of not belonging etc etc etc. Somehow it eventually get around to maybe my anxiety is as bad as it is because I can’t focus. He floated the idea that I might have ADHD. Of course I couldn’t help but make a face which he noticed. He admitted that it’s “popular” to have ADHD, but he thought it might be an issue. Admittedly I do have trouble concentrating on things, but I always chalked that up to laziness. When it really came down to it for like tests and (cramming) projects I’ve focused for the most part. Long tests you take in highschool I would eventually get bored and start phoning it in, but those things are like 4 hours long. When I do get anxious I find it trouble to sit still, but again I always thought it was because I was a little whiny ***** that needed to move to feel comfortable. I don’t know. I feel like maybe it does make sense, but at the same time I don’t want to blame all my short comings on some shit everybody apparently has. He thought it would be a good idea to at least try some medication and I trust this guy a lot. Hasn’t fucked me over like my last few psychiatrists. The biggest issues is how it might effect my bipolar. This new stuff is apparently a “stimulant” but not. He explained it to me but admittedly I started thinking about other shit when he was talking. The thing is stimulants can trigger a manic episode. This stuff doesn’t effect it too much apparently, but can cause insomnia, the leading cause of a manic episode. So there’s that.
Another topic we get into was suicidal ideation. I usually lie and say I’m fine, because the thoughts aren’t so bad. But they have really really gotten to me lately, so I opened up a bit. Like I said I trust the guy. I mentioned my fantasies. About the ones where I dream about shooting myself. Told him I’ve been thinking about it alot lately. Daily I think. Honestly I don’t keep a lot of track. It’s like tying your shoes or drinking a glass of water. You don’t count how often you do it. Funnily the vibe of the conversation got “silly” of all things. There was a point where the both of us were cracking up a little. I think it was because of how I answer. I can’t lie but I don’t tell the whole truth so I have this weird bad poker face I make. He went through the usual list of questions. Are you considering doing it now? Which methods do you think of? Are they active or passive fantasies? Etc. We did agree that these seem to be methods of relieving anxiety. This fantasy where I’m escaping. Not a healthy method of escape. Especially when I day dream about blowing my brains out during meetings. He asked why I haven’t acted out on it and I matter of fact-ly mentioned that it’s because I can’t get a gun in MA. Of course he meant more mentally, but I couldn’t help myself. I told him that they were just fantasies and that’s all they will be. He asked why and I couldn’t give him a solid reason. He did say he had no intention of committing me, which I didn’t thing about. Usually I’m better about that. Anyways he seemed concerned and wanted to see me sooner than 3 months. Which was the plan anyways considering I’m on new meds that I need to ease into.
Things are not progressing. Spent all fucking day trying to work a controller. That’s like someone showing up for the first day on the job and spending it trying to open the fucking door. I don’t belong there. I know I don’t. When I first applied and got that acceptance letter, I spent a week hemming and hawing about it. I finally said that if I didn’t at least try, I’d hate myself. The thing is I’m here and I’m not trying. I avoid going to meetings, talking to people, even just being in the lab. So I can’t really say that I’ve tried. I don’t belong there. There are very brief moments where I make an inch of progress and thing “maybe things will work out”. Then I get filled with the same hopelessness as usual. These Ups and Downs are so frequent and short. It kills me. Kinda wish I was just down.
I told my mom about the October deadline. She gave the usual. It could be November or December or January and it wouldn’t change anything. She’s not wrong. But her answer always makes me wonder why I even bothered telling her to begin with. There’s no sense in sharing anything with my parents. It just doesn’t matter. Just say “I’m ok.” and be done with it. I was in the lab today and another person was working quietly. We were there for a long time. As he was leaving I had the bizarre need to turn to him and say something. Ask him how it went. But I was awkward about it. Couldn’t really say anything. He spoke first. Asked me what was up. I said nothing really. Asked how his work went. Small chat. Asked me how my work is. Gave a half hearted reply. And then I felt the need to tell him about my October deadline. Why? Why did I feel the need to do that? I don’t belong there. I’m not what they are. Why bother saying anything to them?
This song doesn’t really fit the mood, but I like it. Ups and Downs. Just wish they weren’t so rough.
1 comment
I did not expect anything Guilty Gear wise to get so jazzy like that, damn. Of course, not familiar with the franchise, fighting game wise I’ve played very few, but the OST of Strive in particular seems to spread around like wildfire and for good reason.
Being in the lab yourself, in which I’m assuming this is a kind of graduate degree setting based off the time frame you’ve described in previous posts, you are one step ahead of me having any sort of advisor who trusts you with lab work in general. I’m not even sure if I’m going to make it to getting to know one, not to mention your awareness of the situation is quite refreshing to see in comparison to others. You are thinking about what’s going on at the very least, I think any amount of that brings hope to the situation but you are right to be as concerned as you are currently nonetheless.
Spending all day figuring out how to operate a controller of all things is adding to the panic most likely, and I’d talk about how at that point things are supposed to progress the way they are, for however long it supposed to take for you to get rolling, there’s a set amount of time kind of needed for everything. Still doesn’t change the fact that it’s a lot of time you spent on one thing, but I like to think more about the average of all the time you spend and on what exactly.
Considering that, the ups and downs are kind of how it feels like day to day, or maybe even week to week. Zooming out, we more so think about how it looks the graph looks like over a wider scale or period of time, and then hopefully it straightens out visually by that point, no matter how high or low that straighter sort of line resides at. If there’s a pattern, whatever it is, then there’s probably something to grab ahold of as a result.
Good on you for thinking to check up on your lab mate by the way. Odds are, they appreciate that of course. You aren’t the same, but you still occupy the role like they do, and you are certainly preferable in comparison to troublemakers of any sort. You may be surprised by that, but your maturity alone there is deserving of faith even if said standards seem “low”. Unfortunately, people can be like that even in such a setting…