I’m nearing the end of me, again. I know, I’ve said it a lot, and it was true all of those times too. This isn’t a boy cried wolf situation, this is a wolf infestation situation, how’s that for a turn of phrase?!
The why doesn’t even matter, one more crisis than I can handle, 10% more stress than my body can take even with a full dose of prescription medications, caffeine and nicotine. It feels like my stomach is full of sharp triangles of steel. It feels like I laid down in wet concrete, and it is starting to harden.
I want to run. It’s taking all that is in me not to run. Or kill myself outright. I could you know, either of those. Instead I just rattle my sword, because that’s what it takes at this point.
The ends justify the means. I’m about to have to take an indefinite medical leave. I’m pissed as all hell about it. It feels like admitting defeat, and that’s not me. I mean it’s me all over, it’s the story of my fucking life. It’s not who I want to be.
So I procrastinate, I try to find another way, surely there must be some other way, than that, right? right? Surely there must be, someone tell me there must be, right?
Time will tell. I’m losing my grip. I’m losing the fight. So if there isn’t another way, then I’m going to have to raise the white flag.
Because the ends justify the means. I need out of this place, somehow. It would be ideal if I could work my way out, but I’m not entirely calling the shots. I have to control what little I can, and let the rest be what it will be.
sharp barbed bits of steel, hardened carbon bits that won’t pass into the intestines.
The hotline asked me why I hadn’t gone to the doctor, and I’m like what’s the point, we know it’s brain related don’t we? They can’t prescribe someone to buy my house and set me free, can they? I don’t know what medicine is capable of, but I think that is beyond modern medicine.
I just had a thought, I could go to the doctor ON Tuesday, that might just do it. Heck maybe there is something wrong with my stomach, what do I know?! Right?! It takes more faith for me right now to dismiss the paranoid thoughts that someone is out to get me than any other act of faith prior in my life. This place is so hostile to my life. I hate it here.
5 comments
Sounds like a serious medical issue if you’re not speaking metaphorically….maybe go to emergency, but if it can wait till Tues…hopefully you’ll be ok till then.
I’m in a pretty rotten situation right now as well…so long as I can hang onto my job, and I can move out then I’ll be better…but moving is hell and takes time.
I’m also plagued by being single and angry at myself for not playing my cards better when I did have some great opportunities…I mean it’s almost like a dream, like it was some else’s life…can’t believe I had it so good and I let it all slip through my fingers.
I’m out of shape too, which has put a huge dent in my confidence for approaching women…I know if I get myself to close to my ideal form, then I’ll feel better about hitting on pretty girls.
But then it’d take me a good 6 mths to a year to trim down to where I used to be…I figure I’m about 40 lbs overweight.
The other way, which I’ve see many guys do is roll the dice/play the numbers and just hope some attractive girl will give you a shot.
I’ve heard social media has worked for some people but I think I’m going to use my free time to wander around and hope I run into a potential mate….or hit the clubs but it’s hard to find a friend who’s able to be my wingman as most of them are attached.
Good luck to us both.
How long have you been working at this job? What are the issues with working there?
Four and a half months, because I started in the middle of April. The main issue is that they just keep taking, and pushing. Early on they were so eager to please, I thought it was going to be a good collaberation, or at least better than this. They said they didn’t want to scare me off.
Then WHAM, July hit our office like a semi truck running over a toy scooter. Nonstop clients, along with nonstop technical issues, and a neverending nag from higher up to push harder, see more people, work more cases.
It turned overnight from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood into the culdesac of the damned. Same people, but we’re all miserable. It’s gotten a bit better, but I don’t know if it will ever go back to how nice it was in May.
and a week doesn’t go by that I don’t almost walk out. The stress beats me down to the point I wonder if I can keep going. Then I pull up and keep going, because I can. The day is going to come when I can’t, and it’s coming soon.
Or maybe relief is coming. I don’t know, I am literally the lowest on the totem pole, no decisions are run by me. It’s first week of the month, and that means shitshow insane volume……. and I don’t know how I feel about that. It’d be a nice distraction, but I don’t know if I can do it, keep up that is.
“the hotline asked me why I hadn’t gone to the doctor”
1- pffft- it assumes all of our ills can be fixed by a pill, which it doesn’t. hell, pills don’t do anything except numb us. kind of like how back in the day, when ppl were rebellious / not docile and were then given lobotomies- that was all labeled a success- yeah, success for the psychiatric institutions bc what is an easier patient than one that doesn’t complain, can’t complain, and can’t do anything but be strapped to their chair/bed as a vegetable? that’s the best kind of patient for them. no work.
2-as if doctors can fix people’s #1 issue- lack of money and it’s related issues (health, housing, shit neighbors, shit jobs, shit coworkers, shit wage, etc)
3- as if doctors in the US actually fix medical/psychiatric problems. they don’t and won’t because a healthy patient is a lost customer.
well, I actually went to the doctor to make the boss happy, not the hotline or anyone else. Now if I need to call in tomorrow, I can, guilt free. Constipation, turns out, at least according to urgent care the only clinic open on labor day.
Then tomorrow I’m thinking I go to my psych doctor and ask for stronger stuff. This is me on full dose, and I can’t take it. Yes, the stomach pain is part of it, but there’s more, undoubtedly there is more.
the ends justify the means. If I don’t try everything, EVERYTHING I can to try and make this work, then it doesn’t count and if I give up I’m weak. So I have to have superhuman endurance and patience. Thankfully it’s running out, even that. I can’t function right now, it’s a shield. At least, that’s how it feels.