It’s laying late in bed. There’s a thousand & one reasons to hate yourself. I’ve given up on myself 6 times. The most severe time that I do remember was on February 2, 2012.
I stayed home from school (my senior year). I don’t like going to school when I feel really depressed. I usually just told my mom that I was sick. MY mind played tricks on me & my nerves made me sick. There was a full bottle of NyQuil & full bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol. I took both. I chugged & swallowed. Things shouldn’t have gotten this bad. I called my friend when I started to become extremely dizzy. At that moment, I experienced not only torturing emotional pain, but also torturing physical pain. He got in contact with my dad & my dad rushed home from work.
I got to the ER. They had to pump my stomach. I had to get a blood test every 30 minutes. I had to get medicine in my IV every hour. I had to drink liquid charcoal to absorb all of the medicine. It was a terrible experience. The next day I spent the day with my mom & dad. We went to talk to a psychologist. I don’t think my parents quite understand that I hate talking to a complete stranger who happened to be an old man.
I was judged by my peers. I was judged by my school. I was judged by my teachers. I lost a lot of friends after that day. Who wants to be friends with the depressed girl? Finding support is so hard. After February 2, I still had suicidal thoughts. I cut my wrists. I cut my thighs. I cut the back of my neck.
For some reason, I won’t wake up from this nightmare. Some people just don’t understand. But I’m trying to be strong. I know my life has some sort of purpose… I’ll find it… One day.
5 comments
Reading your story broke my heart. If you need someone to talk to here’s my email: promethium114@gmail.com
I’ll be your friend.
That’s fighting talk there at the end of your post Steph. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this bad about stuff. Depression, to be sure, doesn’t help you ‘make friends and influence people’. But it’s not your fault in any way that you’re suffering this way, and there IS help available, boring though it can be to hear that over and over again. The thing is you have to find the right kind of help for YOU. Whether this be a special confidant or counsellor who YOU can build a relationship with and learn to trust, or whether it might actually be, taking a whole different tack, learning a new skill such as…horseriding! Animals can be amazingly therapeutic!
But don’t be tempted to give up on the human race. We are all wonderfully made, for all our faults, flaws and silliness. You are not your depression. There is far more to you than that.
You are important! To me and to so many others. Try to never forget that sweetheart. This pain will end and you are young. From a more jaded middle-aged depressive – I understand your pain and relate to your words. And as you say yourself, you are not finished yet. Keep fighting babe. Hugs.
http://suicideproject.org/2012/07/so-you-want-to-die-think-theres-no-hope-and-you-have-nothing-to-live-for-read-this-email-me-if-you-think-differently-or-just-talk-to-me-because-i-care-wether-you-believe-it-or-not/
wow, i have done that before (but only half of a bottle of nyquil) yet the dizziness made calm and i just went to bed after i got up to turn off my light i fell over but got up and instantly fell asleep never went to the hospital i woke up with a fucking ass headache, sorry u had worse expierence with that idea:/
that is exactly why i NEVER told anyone when ODing.
Who wants all that shit. Just take it and if God takes you home – cool. And if not….. then i guess you are a loser (like me)