Alright, I know this is more of a suicidal story site, but I was thinking and I almost attempted suicide, so I guess it sorta counts.
When I was about 3, my mom and my dad were constantly fighting. My mom was sleeping with other men, after she was married to my dad, to try to get rid of him. She apparently hated my dad, and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. She was on several drugs, (and according to my grandmother so was my dad but before I was born) and she had all sorts of health problems, one night she even passed out in the bathtub while the water was running and it flooded the entire apartment, including the downstairs one where the landlord was. My dad, while dealing with all these problems, went to a 7-11 to get a pack of smokes, but when he was walking back to the car, a mugger punched him in the side of his head 6 times because my dad kept getting back up, but the mugger chickened out and ran. My dad woke up from his trauma but he had amnesia, he couldn’t remember anything, not even his own name. Some people had called the paramedics and when they came they treated him accordingly and they told my dad who he was. He still didn’t remember me, or my mom, but since his address was on his driver’s license he headed home and confronted my mom. She was all out on drugs, and when he told her what happened she didn’t believe any of it, so she filed claims that my dad was an abusive man, hurting me and her (of course he wasn’t but my mom apparently had some ‘evidence’ against him). My dad then moved to Arkansas and stayed with his grandmother, so I was without a father for about 4 years of my life. After a while he came back since he earned some money. He rented a place in the same city as my mom and he eventually, somehow managed to start seeing me again. By this point my mom was almost finished with rehab, but she still had a very strong disliking for my dad. They tried to be with each other for my sake, but it still didn’t work and they started fighting again. They filed for divorce and since then have both remarried. At this point I was about 11, and I had two step parents. I had a pretty nice stepdad, and my stepmom seemed nice at the time. But now, the seemingly nice stepmom has yelled at me, and has punished me for doing things I haven’t. (I know I seem completely immature with the whole ‘punishment’ thing, but I’m miserable for another reason) I stay at my mom’s a week, and then I switch over to my dad’s for a week. When I’m at my dad’s it’s a fricking nightmare to me. My dad has said to me, and I quote, “You’re f****** lazy, you need to pull your f****** head out of your godd*** a**, and do some f****** work!” becuase in my school work, I had a D in algebra. I had A’s and B’s in ALL of my other classes, but in algebra I got a D. He’s probably right, I should “pull my head out of my a** and do some work,” and I have been. I’ve gone into my math teacher’s room at 7:00 in the morning to do extra school work to make up my grades, I’ve done tutoring, I spend 6 hours a day studying, trying to get my math grade up, but I still don’t understand it and I can’t get the grade up any higher now (it’s the end of second quarter and the deadline for making up tests was two days ago). And again, I still seem pretty immature about it, my dad takes away my phone, what a big whoop. But he is yelling at me, he threatened to punch me in the face once. He has made me cry at least 10 times (maybe I’m just a crybaby) but he’s terrifying to me. I’m trying as hard as I can and he’s still yelling at me. But here’s the big part. In May 2012, I got bored and decided to go into some chatroom to see how many people would IM me in 10 minutes, but by the end of it I was stupid and I asked some girl if she’d be my girlfriend. Not to mention that I’m a lesbian, my dad flipped out about that too. But at any rate, the girl I asked is the girl I asked, not some pedophile and I have proof. A few weeks ago, on September 27th, it was like 8:00 in the morning and I had decided to check my emails to see if my girlfriend had sent me anything. I accidentally left my gmail account open, and while I was at school, my dad was on the computer, looking through my emails. He freaked out, really bad. When I walked home from school, he told me to go into my room and he started talking to me. He started all nice about it at first, but then he got really serious. Now, before I go any further, you should know that I’ve managed to stay with my girlfriend for almost 7 months, and I love her more than anybody. For those of you that are reading this, you can go right ahead and say whatever you want about two women in a relationship together. You may like the idea, hate it, whatever. But I love this girl, more than life itself and I’ve told her that more times than I can count. I’d do anything for her, and she knows everything about my parents. She’s been there when I needed her, and vice versa.
26 comments
Hello Shadowfire321….I just wanted to let you know I read your post…both actually. I’m sorry that your first post wasn’t commented on…but it happens…frequently…and I don’t want you to take it personally…it’s not. I just got back here this morning and can see it’s been a little hairy on here.
I wish some of your peers had seen this post…cuz I am old enough to be your grandmother…sorry. I created a post last week called “Parents are fucked” or some such…and yes I am a parent, grandparent, step parent…and yes I’m fucked too…but unlike most parents…I know it.
The best advice I can give you under the circumstances….finish school…leave home…build your own life. I know it’s tough…but if you don’t learn coping skills now…the rest is gonna be worse. How do I know?…cuz I was a slow learner and didn’t catch on till I was very old…in my 30’s. I strongly reccommend a counsellor or therapist to start with…just someone you can drop all this shit on…it is a heavy load you bear. If that is not possible…know that we ARE listening…so feel free to let it go on the likes of us. Just be nice…we can be cranky sometimes…haha and remember…there are no professionals here…no matter how old. Some of us are suicidal…some of us are survivors. Me I have attempted many times…the first time before I was 4 years old…so I understand that age is not a barrier to pain and confusion.
Here to listen or talk if you would like. Hopefully by commenting… it may bring some of your peers out of the woodwork…but it looks like they are all sleeping…haha…apparently they had a long night last night..as evidenced by the pages and pages of comments I had to sift through this morning. Hang tight…chin up…it can get better.
Peace
Amakua
shadowfire321,
I’m extremely sorry I have never had anything like that happen before, why oh why do these things have to happen? You have been through a lot, I can’t offer you any real good advice, but I’m sure there are others on here that can do that like ,Amakua
but I will say this hang in there! Someday you will get a job be out of school and be on your own which is a very beautiful thing! You will be on the outside looking in and not the other way around! This will happen! Till then it is kind of like doing time, but you can do it and you will be free! I promise!
Wow, thanks Amakua and rocketman, I really appriciate what you two said. I gotta get ready for school in a few but I just checked on here really fast and what the two of you said already sorta made my day. Thankfully I’m not so f’ing miserable now, I’m still dreading the knowledge that I must go back to my dad’s at the end of the week, but you guys certainly made it seem a little better.
Hey Shadowfire321,
Thanks…you just made my friggin’ day. And glad we could help in anyway. We’ll both be here if you want to talk later…hahaha…do you think we should team up Rocketman and Ama…and play good cop bad cop with you? I’ll have to be the bad cop though…Rocketman is a marshmallow…hahaha
Hope you have an okay day at school…would be better if it could be great…hey…maybe something embarassing will happen to the person you despise the most…you gotta have hope after all…lol…jk Have a good one!!
Peace
Amakua
@Rocketman….you are soooo cute…I just love you Mister Rocketman…you rock.
lol The person I despise most tripped over a chair and literally landed on his face, so I guess you must be some sorta psychic.
And I did have a pretty okay day at school, since it’s the last week before winter break my school seems to have no work at all so I just listened to music all day. I’m just a little lazy…
As for the good day wishings, thank you!!!
Hey Shadowfire321…that is friggin hysterical…did you pee your pants laughing? I would have…oh yeah…mostly because I am old…haha
You are correct…I am some sorta psychic…but I only practice for my own amusement…hahaha Glad you had an okay day. Wonder what’s going to happen tomorrow…hahahaha Any ideas of what to wish for?
Glad I could amuse you…my Dad was a clown…and he inspired me…yes he did…hahaha
And you made me smile big time. Thank you.
Ama
Yeah, it was really, really funny. I couldn’t stop laughing at him because it was during this whole school play rehearsal, so everybody was paying attention to him.
Hm… I wish that tomorrow will be a good day, that I’ll laugh even harder than today, and that I’ll actually get some of my artwork done instead of procrastinating like usual. (I’m really bad at that…)
And of course, you’re very welcome and I’m happy to make you smile! (That’s quite an accomplishment, I rarely seem to make anybody smile so yippee!)
Hey Shadowfire321,
Talking to you has been one of the two high points of my day. Glad we could share that. I’m still chuckling…now I have a mental image to go along with it…ty…hahaha
I think it is called focusing your attention…just a little show off display perhaps…but check out the theory behind it if you’re interested…you could be laughing a whole lot more. What sort of “artwork” are you procrastinating over? Maybe I could inspire you…hahaha…not…but I’m still interested. Two left hands myself…I’m a different kind of creative…I kill stick figures though…hahaha
Like I always say:
Live, Learn, Love and Laugh…always laugh usually at myself
Ama
lol Stick figures? You’re funny. I’m in the advanced art class at my school and my teacher Mr. Bennet wants me to do a couple sketches for him before thursday and I haven’t gotten to ’em yet. I’ve been busy messing with my new haircut and practicing on my electric bass guitar. And like earlier, listening to music so there’s that. And I must admit, that little catch phrase you put is pretty funny, I’m always laughing at myself, especially when I just randomly walk into a room and forget why because I’m a bit of a scatter brain.
Hey Shadowfire321,
I thought stick figures were pretty hard…why are you laughing? hahahaha
How about you sketch me? You can’t get it wrong…you don’t know what I look like…unless you have seen the cave paintings..haha I mean…like think about me…and then draw what you see. Amakua btw means family or guardian ancestor , and is usually embodied by a shark or an owl. It is Polynesian or Hawaiian.
My first husband was a professional musician…he played bass and lead. Hell he could pretty much sit down and play anything…kinda made me jealous…and an amazing voice. So you are an all round artist. Music and Art? Do you do anything else artsy? If so…I’m jealous of you too.
Hun…laughing is good juju. No matter what happens…if you learn to laugh…you’ll be fine…seriously.
Hope you have a GREAT day at school today.
Amakua
I’m not really an all around artist, I just do what I like. Well, that, and the fact that I have to play bass and draw or else I’ll fail my elective classes so I don’t really have much of a choice there. But I do love drawing and playing so I suppose they’re both hobbies.
And maybe I will draw you, I already got one sketch done but I seem to never sleep since it was at two in the morning. I’ll figure out something.
I hope you have a GREAT day in general, hehe!
Hey Shadowfire321,
I’m already having a great day…and hearing from you has just made it even better. I get ya….gotta do what you love…it sucks when they make you though eh?…but just something to get beyond. You got one done? Yeah!!!! I’m so proud of you…yes I am…haha And I know it’s better than my killer stick people to boot…haha
See ya after school maybe?
Ama
Prehaps. I still have a good half an hour before I gotta leave though. And yes, I got one done so thanks for being all proud of me! I had to do it in ‘low lighting circumstances’ since my mom doesn’t want me up at 1 or 2 in the morning, but I couldn’t sleep so I just drew lol.
I’m trying to figure out where you are in the world based on the time difference. Are you perhaps an East Coaster? Just being nosy…haha Make sure you have a good breakfast…it really is the most important meal of the day…for your brain…haha
I get to do something real fun myself…haha…wash my floors!!! Wanna trade places?…no?…didn’t think so…hahaha
Conquer your day
Ama
Heh, good luck with that. I’m in Colorado, so it’s mountain time.
And I will have a good breakfast, I really need one since I didn’t sleep, literally at all last night. It was actually sorta nice, I got some alone time and I caught up on one of my drawings so that’s really good.
Good luck with washing those floors Ama! (And I do feel a little bad for you, I hate washing anything especially if I have to get on my hands and knees just to clean it!)
Ahhhh…Colorado…nice And you can’t find God there? jk…now I got John Denver in my head…well his music anyway. Some of his best stuff was written in Colorado.
So then…it’s only 7:55 there? Don’t worry about me…I love cleaning…but if I could ask you one favour? If you have time. I have no natural appetite and must consume up to 4,000 calories a day…just to maintain my weight…ya I know…no one feels sorry for the skinny chick…hahaha Good reason to avoid the ana posts eh?
But if you could tell me what you had for breakfast…it might make me hungry. Understand? No rush tho…after school is fine.
Hey!!! Know what my favourite part is about pulling an all-nighter? About noon…it feels like you are really stoned or drunk…and everything is hysterically funny. Ever have that happen?
Okay…gonna go wash my floors
Later Gator
Ama
Well now it’s 8:00 so I gotta get going, but I will certainly tell you what I had for breakfast. It wasn’t the healthiest, but I had an energy drink so I won’t be incredibly tired in the middle of the day, two slices of cinnamon and butter covered toast, a really small cherry cookie and a pistachio since I found it on the counter.
And yes! I totally know that feeling, everything is always super funny, and it always seems so for no apparent reason.
Alright, have an awesome day Ama and like I said, good luck with the floors!
Lmao…you are a forager…hahaha A pistachio you found on the counter….that made me laugh…hahahaha Actually I think I’m gonna add some brown sugar to that toast…I have no cookies….and I already cleaned my kitchen…shit!!!
Guess I’m gonna have to go foraging myself eh? haha
Lots of Love
Ama
Yep, I’m a total forager. Especially when it comes to answers on a test that my math teacher unexpectedly gave me. Hopefully you had something good to eat this morning after you went foraging too, I haven’t eaten since then.
Hey Shadowfire321 🙂 look what I learned today…emoticons. I’m gonna drive you all batshit for a while with them I’m sure. Haha…You can teach an old ***** new tricks… 😛
I actually had the cinnamon brown sugar toast…had no cookie…so walked up to the bakery and bought myself 3 coconut raspberry tarts….mmmm I also ripped hunks off the turkey 🙂 as soon as it came out of the oven…I burned my widdle fingies…hahaha…but it was soooo good. Thanks for getting me started…I’ll eat the day away now. Seriously…haha…between your breakfast and my prescription…we’re off to the races…so sincerely…thank you for taking the time…I really appreciate it.
So what are you having for dinner? Isn’t it dinner time there?
Love ya
Ama
I had dinner a few hours ago, I just got back from some orchestra concert I had to play in. It was really funny, my best friend couldn’t stop playing wrong notes because he had stage fright. And I got my new red vest that I wouldn’t have gotten ’til Christmas, so yippee! And I had breakfast for dinner, literally. Pancakes, sausage, eggs, and hasbrowns too.
Hey Shadowfire321…no bacon? no French toast? jk…dang Canadians…haha
Soooo…today didn’t turn out too bad after all…you’ve come a long way from foraging to a full course breakfast…maybe you’re just built upside down? I dunno…do your feet smell? does your nose run? haha i know…bad
Glad you had a good night…always more fun when you laugh…and a gift to boot…you must have been very, very good this year. 🙂
Glad I caught you…just about to call it a night myself…zzzzz…it’s been a long one but a good one eh?
Sweet Dreams Hun…thanks for helping me today…gonna go foraging again…I got eggs, ham, cheese, onion…mmmmm okay…later…haha
Love ya
Ama
Heh, yeah. No problem. I’ve had a pretty interesting day in total, I really miss my girlfriend because it’s been 3 weeks since I’ve talked to her. I meant to say November instead of September in that story thing I wrote. But ugh, I can’t get her outta my head, I just love her so much. I hope she’s alright…
Eh, enough about me. Have a good rest of your night Ama.
Actually Shadowfire321,
Was just out having a bedtime smoke…and had a random thought I wanted to share with you if you wouldn’t mind? I was thinking…by the use of humour and some positive talk…you’ve had a relatively good couple of days….I’m still laughing about yesterday…hahaha But the truth is bad things are gonna happen…you’re gonna have bad days…that is inevitable. So what I am going to suggest…is that if you don’t already journal…perhaps you should start. Each night…download…the good and the bad…but especially the good. So when you are having a hard time staying positive and focused…you can read your own history. You will be surprised how much of a change this can make…being aware of your own history…not just what you remember…cuz 12 good things could happen today..but if one bad one does…well that is the one thing you are programmed to remember. So yeah…journalling is always good. Some days you just write…meh…it’s alright…other days you have good things only…other days…you can’t catch a break for love nor money. That is life. And it isn’t always fair. But it is what we make of it.
Also include any thoughts or words that inspired you that day. If you are having a bad day…are depressed…or anxious…learn to use your journal to talk yourself around and out. Let’s see…can’t draw a picture…hahaha You have a rational, logical mind…you have an emotional or irrational mind. Most people have another mind…it is the wise mind…takes from both…comes up with a sensible answer. Some of us don’t have a wise mind…like me…I am either all emotional or all logical…you can see this if you watch my comments…hahaha Perhaps you have just lost your “wise mind”…and so I suggest you use the journal to become your temporary wise mind. The only thing we truly control are our thoughts…so when our thoughts are in control…it can be scary. That is all it is usually.
Okay…lecture over. 😛
Don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
Ama
Aww, you’re great. It’s funny, I already have a journal, I’ve had it since I was in 3rd grade and I found it sometime in October this year, I’ve been using it almost everyday since.
You always seem to make me feel a little better. I’m still sorta sad about my ‘wifey’ as I call her, but I’ve been cheered up from what you said. As usual, thanks for your awesome adive Ama!
Pffbt, silly typos. That’s ‘advice’ to you, you silly touch-screen keyboard. Haha, have a great night!