Yeh pretty much the whole world has fucked up since you left.
My own mother hates me[find me].
I am black silk cigarette smoke. tarnished sticky suicide addict. I refuse to move. I cant breath. I cant understand these people. and lets face it why would I. I havent washed in ten days. My hair is greasy. I’m unemployed. I cut it off some weeks ago, so its not like, getting in my tired face or anything. I sleep all day. Â [pretend to be dead girl cause the woman inside is dying to leave]. In New York the temperature is three degrees below zero. Maybe i tried to die. It all seems kinda blurry now, like my vision and my memory are the same. My therapist calls it post traumatic stress syndrome. Said that i need to slow down a little, maybe take some time out and speak to new people.
I am silver moondust, watch the sickly sun rise over the city. And its not like i chose this. I know it all. DSM Criteria. The shaking, whiskey wine taste. Â Everything I own is stained. Everything I havent broken costs me money. television. computer. I should just smash it all up. Â Save me money. Spend the money on drugs and guns.
I rejected summer, and wednesday. Kissing girls in strip clubs. Â Winter in New York without her. Without pain, love, hurt, care, Natalie, amphetamine psychosis, xanax overdose, caffine tablets, ibuprofen, razorblades. My legs are legs nobody cared for. Nobody ever saw them before i started cutting. Now when guys ask why Im so shy, Â usually I just say something sarcastic or hurtful. I break everything. All I want is for part of me to leave it long enough for the scars to heal. If I break everything, [When you hurt so much], time slows down. The world stops and you wait for it to fix itself. as youd expect it never does.
In the doctors office hold my hand. Or let go of me. I dont like you. I stopped liking you when i stopped liking everybody. Im ambivalent. Should i. Should I not. This isnt a for real suicide note. For those interested [since this is public] I gave up therapy. The haunting voices. I dont wanna die, I just wanna feel death [here with me]. Edge.
[mother] I cant understand what youre saying. Get out my way before I call the police. Yeh fuck me off just reject me like I’m nothing to you. I was never born under a lucky star. I was born under a goat, or a bridge. Maybe you should take some time out, listen to your daughter, or telelvision. The world just feels so fucking big. Men expect woman to carry babies. Women expect men to work blue collar careers in IT management. Who the fuck wants this. I dont.
Yeh. Marla Jade. x