I’m sorry for the upcoming vent, I need to get it out.
So, I really want to kill myself right now.
I just miss my brother like hell, ever since he took his own life about 10 months ago, i haven’t been happy. Time drags me through life but i don’t want to. I don’t want to move on because it feels like forgetting. And I hate myself because i feel like i’m already starting to forget how exactly his voice sounded or how his smile was. He was my everything, besides my brother also my best friend.
Then besides that, i feel so lonely. It feels like it’s just me against the world, like no one is willing to at least try and help me. Nobody seems to give a fuck about me or how i feel. And though i know it’s not true because i know for sure my parents care about me and love me, it still feels like this.
And then there’s my friends. Well ‘friends’ because they don’t do anything to help me. There’s only one I talk to about how i actually feel but my conversations with her are just, i don’t know, i don’t feel better afterwards. All the other ones never ask me about how i feel. And then just now, one of my ‘best friends’ started a fight with me over something i didn’t even do. And i mean, come on, it’s something so small, i can’t even believe she’s mad about it. She thinks i blocked her on fb-chat while i didn’t, but she won’t believe me. I mean, come on? She was saying things like: ‘Our friendship is over, i knew it wouldn’t last long, don’t try to talk to me, just leave me alone, you have lost me.’
And i know the last thing is kinda silly to want to kill myself for, but it’s just everything combined. Just life in general doesn’t seem to work for me. It’s too much. Because i can’t deal with the loss of my brother, go on with my life, have friends, maintain those friendships, fight my friends once in a while and stay alive all at once. I just can’t.
6 comments
im guessing you were pretty close to your brother? that’s the thing thats keeping me here. i have two brothers. my little brother i was closest to growing up. only 4 years apart. if i took my life it would hit him super hard. reading this gives me perspective of how much it affects a sibling.
Yes, we had a bond like few brothers and sisters. He was exactly 2 years older than me, so our birtday is the same day. He was my only brother, just the 2 of us. And yes, it affected me immensily. There isn’t a minute where I don’t think about him. Miss him like hell, more every day.
same with my little bro and I. had a unique bond. just got along so well once we both matured a bit. he’s gone now living in BC in the canadian navy while im stuck at home with parents that we despise. it hasnt been the same between him and I for a few years now and the distance between us has grown. so if i were to go I believe it wouldn’t be all that different because he barely sees me now.
i guess you knew he was in a lot of pain eh? what happened to him? what was he going through?
No, not really actually. I didn’t know he was as depressed as he was, he was really good at hiding it. Ofcourse i had noticed he hadn’t been as happy for the last few weeks, but i never knew it was that bad. We will never fully know why he did it, but i think it was just everything combined. You know, school, love, friends, future, life in general.
most people that are depressed are good actors. all society are taught to hide actually. Yeah totally, isolation is one of the first signs and all those things can really add more weight to how you’re already feeling. stay strong though. keep sharing on here if it helps you feel any better.
Stay strong. 🙂 at least u had a brother I don’t even have one , I’m alone 🙁 and that sucks !!! Ahhhha