How I felt 3 days ago

Trying to kill myself was the best thing that could’ve happened. Because if I hadn’t tried to and if I hadn’t failed, I wouldn’t feel the urge to change how I felt and I wouldn’t have gone to Four Winds. It was tricky, I had just enough of the Nortatryptaline to go into coma but I just ended sleeping for a straight 48 hours. I then didn’t leave my house for an entire week and was drinking so much, I decided physical pain would have been the answer to everything. I cut the word help into my arm and cried myself to sleep that night. I thought of two scenarios before I fell asleep. There was the one where I jumped off the ledge into the freeway, or I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital for treatment and care. I chose the latter. There not only did I meet wonderful people, I saw growth in myself. Since being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I have come a long way. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been hospitalized now 3 times, it shows that I always do have a little hope left, that it never goes away. For a long time, I didn’t feel anything – couldn’t express anything, that was revolved around happiness. I felt like I didn’t understand happiness or love and kept constantly trying to find it everywhere I went. I couldn’t get by if someone didn’t express how their life would be without me in it. At the hospital, I found that I have to feel that way about myself before I go finding it in other people. With the proper medications and observation I was receiving I found hope, which settled in my heart and began to grow. As I got fonder of others around me, the hope continued to multiply. The thing is, I didn’t know where I was headed but I have it now. My dream is to become involved in Psychodrama. I want to use what I love most in my plans for creating a better future for others. Therapeutic theatre for both me and the patients who have a similar bond to it. I got my help and found my hope. I think I’ll be alright.