(Sorry in advanced if things are disjointed posting on my cell)
I found this site nearly two years ago thought maybe I should make an account. Each time I would be bogged down with fear that maybe I shouldn’t what would people think? After all I already get looks because I have to see a doctor on and off or the medication that has caused issues in the past.
Today I gave in the fear is still there however something I said last week gave me pause. “Maybe the reason I haven’t tried in a while isn’t because I suddenly want to live. Maybe it is because I feel I am nearly done with this life. That hopefully I will die soon of natural causes.”
I was given a odd look when I said that then the comment. But you are in your early thirties how can you say that. Followed with the age old rubbish of, “It will get better.” I hate that sentence, have heard it since I was ten. Things have not gotten better. Yes I know I am not in an abusive home or relationship, I have a job a car and house.
Those things are all material and can go poof. I for some insane stupid reason still crave love and a family. I hate that about myself the most. I don’t want to need or be needed since to me need eventually leads to using. I refuse to be used so I refuse to do anything that can lead me to what I want most.
I go to work I go home l log into a game a mmo lol and even in game I am alone. It really is pathetic and the last doctor to try to get me and do something out of the house I refuse to return emails to.
2 comments
Well you have to make a solid choice to accept help (putting your negative thoughts aside) or to go it alone (and stick to what you know and do now).
You can stand as an observer to life and let it pass you bye, or you can use what life gives you to your advantage and start one of your own. We all need love..admit that to yourself and it’s a start to finding it. Even the lowliest souls can find love in this world.
There is some one out there waiting for you..don’t be so selfish as to just act like you aren’t important. Because you have to be there for that person, to be that someone important in their lives. Every second you spend not searching for them is a waste of a perfectly good life and love slipping away. Love is all about “give and take”. If you don’t take a leap of faith with that other person, it’s not going to work. When you find that person you will know..and nothing will stop you from giving that person your whole life.
Good luck
Is it strange that I can empathise with the bit about dying soon of natural causes? And it’s completely irrational because I’m only twenty, even if I do have COPD.
People do always tell you it’ll get better. My mum tells me all the time that things will get better, even though she knows that I know she’s lying because she’s been depressed on and off since (or even before) I was born. I suppose they just want to believe it. I guess that’s normal.
I don’t think it’s insane or stupid to crave love or a family – my family is what’s keeping me going now. I do need them, they “need” me, and that does kind of suck sometimes because I can’t do what I want…but somehow, it’s okay. I don’t know how to explain it, it doesn’t make sense to me. To be perfectly honest I do feel like need leads to using too (never mind that people will say it doesn’t “have” to) but, somehow, I think that if it’s *mutual* using, it’s okay? I feel like there has to be someone out there who will need you.
But yeah, I’m confused too. I love and deal with my family because I was born to them, and I guess I’m lucky they love me back, but with everyone else I’m desperately avoidant. My parents aren’t so young any more, so I’m secretly terrified :/
This doesn’t seem very helpful. I guess I just wanted you to know that you’re not entirely alone?