Seeking Help

I feel so goddamn helpless and hopeless. anxiety, paranoia, apprehension, guilt, fear and pain are my companionship, they seem to never leave my side.

As far as I can remember, the happiest time in my life was kindergarden, I was carefree and enjoyed life, when grade school started the world around me got colder, and gradually, things got worse and worse….. people, other human beings, are the root of my misery. Instead of being the popular kid in kinder garden, I started grade school and had no friends, other kids often treats me with as insignificant. I was socially isolated and had very few friends. other kids teased me as well.

25 male, i went through high school without any social circles, and despite of being on my own in university for 5 years, I have no real human connections. standing at 5’6 and 120 lbs (I started at 93 lbs, worked out for 5.5 years and still i am skinny), I look like a teenager and people often treat me very dismissively based on my stature. nobody treats me seriously at work either and lately I am starting to feel myself getting marginalized, dismissed. the story of my life.

I have never had a girlfriend, never tried and never being approached by girls. I stay home jerk off couple of times a week and since last year, started getting the habit of seeing hookers. I have spent over $1,000 on hookers on a poor salary and am often broke, but when life gets stressful, i need my getaway, release from anxiety, and hookers seems to help.

my life is getting nowhere and I feel powerless to change it. I often think about giving up, but the thought of leaving behind my parents stops me from jumping off from my 20th floor apartment. (yes, i think jumping is the best way to go) I feel like giving up, despite how hard I try, my life doesn’t seem to get anywhere, I have accomplished nothing, despite being a diligent student.

my thoughts are disorganized as i am writing this because I am really tired, I don’t even care about writing this properly. words will be written down, and if there are some of you that wants to read this crap go ahead.

My lack of social life is really killing me, no one ever hits me up to do anything, and whenever I post a comment on facebook, no one ever even responds to it. even the people I consider as my friends never responds to me on facebook. I am befuddled by my lack of social standing amongst my peers. I get no respect because of my small stature and no one likes me.