I’m sorry

I’m sorry, mom

I’m sorry, dad

I’m sorry, friends

I’m sorry, Family

I’m sorry, body

I’m sorry, mind

I’m sorry, teachers

I’m sorry, voice

I have failed all of you at one point… or every day.

Mom: I’m sorry I am not like my brother, I’m not made of gold and jewels. I am not skinny, smart, good looking, or good at anything. I am sorry I am failing school, I am sorry you are embarrassed to call me your daughter. I am sorry that you are ashamed to be in public with me because I am not thin like all the other girls. I am sorry I don’t do make-up and my hair, I am sorry I can’t be like them. I understand if you want me gone so you can stop looking at how much of a failure and hopeless waste I am. I am truly sorry I am not what you want me to be. I really am.

Dad: I am sorry I was born a girl. I am sorry that I am not good enough for you to love me as much as you should. I am sorry that I must be bad enough that you ignore me, and when you don’t ignore me, you criticize me. I am so sorry that I have failed you at not being your “perfect girl”……

Friends: I am sorry that I haven’t done my job. I am sorry that sometimes I try too hard to fit in and it shows and it embarrasses you. I am sorry that I am unsocial and have bad depression. I am sorry that there is no way of changing me into a thin, fun, and always happy girl… I am so so sorry. If I could change, I would.

Family: Mom and Dad, I already apologized to you. But to my brothers, I am sorry that I cause you stress and grief. I am sorry that I am not a fun little sister, I am sorry that I am hopeless and cause Mom and Dad stress. I am sorry that I can’t talk to you, I’m sorry that I can’t comprehend everything you say. I am sorry I can’t obey.

Body: I am sorry, I am sorry that you have scars. I am sorry that you have stretch marks. I am sorry that I have beaten and bruised you. I am sorry that you aren’t perfect. I am sorry that you are in pain so much, I am sorry that you have to deal with being the center of my harassment most of the time. I am sorry that you are full of lumps and bumps and mounds. I am sorry that you are being compared to every other girl’s body and are so different. I am sorry.

Mind: I am sorry that you are so screwed up. I am sorry that I have killed you. I am sorry that you have been lost and hurt so many times. I am sorry that you are filled with so much negativity. I am sorry that you are not being used properly and that you are underdeveloped. I am sorry that I put the wrong things on you and that I abuse you. I am sorry.

Teachers: I am sorry I can’t pass your classes. I am sorry that you are upset because I am not smart enough. I am sorry I get so many things wrong, I am sorry that you have to deal with my stupidity. I am sorry that you have to see me every day and have to deal with being around me. I know you don’t like me, and you know that I wish I could be better. I wish I could be.

Voice: I am sorry that you are left out. I am sorry that you are silent. I am sorry that you are used for the wrong words. I am sorry that you have to deal with being a part of me. I am sorry that you are being forced to be a part of me, I feel sympathy for you. That such a beautiful voice is being wasted on someone like me. I am so sorry.

If I could disappear, I would be doing everyone a favor. If I could make my lungs stop expanding, I would. If I could make my heart stop beating, I would. I wish I could make all your lives easier by just not being here. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.