i ate a fortune cookie. the fortune read,
‘if you would have managed your plans properly, it would not have caused chaos.’
ironic, right? as, it hits pretty close to home.
-the American education system- fail
-the American healthcare system- fail
-the American mental care system- fail
-the American prison system- fail
-the American political system- fail
-the American tax system- fail
-the American mainstream media- fail
I mention the American system because well, that’s where I live.
There is no justice, no fairness, no meritocracy, no equality.
To the corrupted goes the spoils.
So I have been depressed since I was 13, I had a eating disorder (anorexia) for almost three years, I have social anxiety, I self harmed for many years, but now I am 7 months free (yep, trying to hold on) and I tried to commit suicide 5 times.
I can’t stand not being the best, and this feeling is eating me alive. I can’t focus, I can’t stop crying, I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. The feeling of not being perfect is destroying my life, I can’t help but break stuff, hurt myself, slap my face and smash my head against a wall everytime I feel I am losing control and not being good enough. This feeling has been making my life miserable since high school, it seems like I am not able to let myself make mistakes and I can’t even accept when things don’t go as planned.
I am a med student, I have never felt so much pressure in my life like I feel now, I pressure myself to be perfect, even tho I am not and I will never be, I just feel sometimes like I am not doing the right thing and that I am not capable, strong and smart enough to be a doctor. I am starting to feel jealous of my colleagues when others say how great they are, and that isn’t me, I am a sweet person, I don’t wanna be contaminated with this posion, I really need to feel free.
So please, do you have any tips? I desperately need some.
I’ve given up. It was the other day I decided to not message the guy I love again, but then by chance he ended up sending me a message. However, I’m still resolving myself to just give up. I know I’m not important and I have no place.
Odd that I’d finally get around to trying to complete his promise to me since he never will. I just pored the shit, so, if it comes out at all, it’s gonna be seriously jacked. The mold was split in half and in 3 sections. Took a shit ton of work to try to seal it up. Best I could do was build around. Certainly not like a solid pice to fill. Lots of cracks and surely there will be excess to cut off of the final product, if there even is one by this time tomorrow. I’ve decided to call it the Faildo. So much fail has been put into it.
I was born to fail. I have no qualifications. I have no future. Time to kill myself now. Doesn’t it? I’m 19 and I have no idea about my life and I have no skills too. Maybe I was born by a mistake. Achieved nothing during my lifetime. Help me if you can. Thanks for reading. Hard to breath. Holding so much pain inside me. No, still I’m not crying. Holding this pain for 1 year now. 🙁 ON THE FENCE
I hate business !
I hate money !
I hate capitalism / capitalist !
The main reason is because business kills creativity & ideas . money kills creativity & ideas . capitalism / capitalist kills creativity & ideas !
There are a LOT of good ideas , creativity , imaginations , inspirations , dreams , & even good deeds that business / money kills ! simply because of a petty, shallow reason “it doesn’t make a lot of money or profits ! ”
money makes the world unfair ! business makes the world unfair ! capitalism makes the world unfair !
plus , the world becomes a boring place !
everything is all about MONEY , business , and profits only ! even though actually Life is SO MUCH MORE than that ! ie: imagination , dreams , creativity , Love , education , inspiration , helping each other , Heart & SOUL , genuine things , sharing , laughter , collaboration together , science , philosophy , and mankind / humanity / civilization make a great jump / leap forward in progress to a totally NEW era / civilization / Mankind / Humanity ! instead of only repeating the same , stupid, shallow, superficial, ignorant , narrow minded , dull , boring , petty , miniscule , & meaningless things like politics, wars about who has the most MONEY , fighting over religion , race differences, etc etc !
I used to have hope for Humanity , hope for Mankind , hope for humans , hope for people , hope for human race , hope for Mankind ‘s civilization … but now unfortunately / sadly I lose hope in humanity , lose hope for mankind , lose hope for humans , lost hope for people , lost hope for human race, losing hope for Mankind ‘s civilization ,.. Humanity is hopeless , Mankind is hopeless , human race is hopeless , human beings is / are hopeless , mankind ‘s civilization is hopeless .. !
I hate people / humans / humanity / society sometimes !
anyone also feel the same ? anyone can relate ?
(PS: have you guys also heard of some alternative movements / solutions like for example : Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project , the Zeitgeist Movement , Thrive movement , Paradigm Shift , Basic Income movement , Equal Income movement ? what do you think ? will it work out as an alternative / solution for our current society ‘s problems ? )
Life is not fair.
Life is unfair.
there is always winners & losers.
there will always be winner & loser.
so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
rather than they keep living chasing & fixing all their way too many losses, which is probably too late anyway too.
and usually losers can’t win / can never win against winners anyway .. even the “start” is already too late!!
This is the harsh truth / fact / reality .
Reality / Real life / Real world is very LIMITING / LIMITED in what we can & can’t do !
We are limited by money (rich and poor), resources, status, many other superficial & shallow things & rules and expectations in society, times & places, chances / opportunities, strings of bad luck (or lucks / lucky), and also people who don’t like us and will cheat/trick, abuse, & even trample & glad/happy to see us fall down / going down & crushed & broken !
Our IMAGINATION & FANTASY & DREAMS is always much better than reality / real life / real world !
Reality is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Reality, we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
Real life is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Real-life , we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
Real world is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Real-world, we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.”
I’m a loser, so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
I’m tired of this life / reality.
is superhero real exist ?
are superheroes real exist ?
is superpower or magic real exist ? (like in those cool movies, games, comics, novels, books, anime / manga, etc) ?
you know, like in those ‘cool’ superhero movies : X-Men (X Men), Superman, Thor, Spiderman, Iron man, Captain America, or in those ‘cool’ fantasy / sci-fi (sci fi, science fiction) movies : Harry Potter, Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Avatar, TRON, or games like Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, etc etc ..
otherwise, fuck this boring reality / real world / real life !!
I hate reality, I hate life , I hate this very *LIMITED* & boring, mundane world !
human’s IMAGINATION like movie, video game, comics, novel, book, anime / manga etc are better than reality ??! …
I wish superhero / superheroes were real exist , because reality / life is boring !
here in this ” reality ” , it’s only all about money, money, and money. the usual boring “suit and ties” thing rules this real world. very boring !
Why movies, video games, comics, books, novels, anime / manga, basically human’s IMAGINATION & fantasy is often/always a hundred times FAR much more interesting & better than this sad, mundane, boring, superficial, & very LIMITING life / world / reality ?…
does God (if there is indeed one..) play such a cruel sick joke for especially creating human’s IMAGINATION inside our heads?? .. especially often the very creative (also often real smart & Open-minded ! ), artistic, imaginative, and “other-worldly” artistic type of people & their fantasy, sci-fi (science fiction) works and IMAGINATION !?..
can anyone here relate or think/feel the same/similar with me ?
(PS: how many of you here also have heard about: Virtual Reality (VR) , Lucid Dreaming , Astral Projection ? )
Movies, books, video games, novels, comics, anime/manga, etc etc, basically human’s IMAGINATIONS is a hundred times FAR much more interesting than this very LIMITING reality / real-world / real-life here in this world!
and what’s even worse is that most (about 90%) of humans / people I meet & know everyday are mostly stupid, shallow, superficial, mundane/boring, money and profits and image driven only, ignorant,.. mostly human beings especially today these days are much more bad & hopeless ..!!
(there are -thankfully/luckily?- only FEW humans/people that I like, eg: the very creative/imaginative & ‘other-worldly’ artists who created/made all those awesome fantasy, sci-fi stories, novels, books, movies, games, comics, anime/manga, etc etc..and some other types… but still, the latter could still be just another very boring, mundane, ‘worldly’ type of people/humans!).
Sometimes , no , often times I cursed myself for being highly imaginative, creative (many people also said that I’m very talented, and bright/smart/intelligent & wise ‘old-soul’ type too..) , because in this world & life that I hate, it seems that all those ‘innate talents/gifts’ of mine seems to be viewed as NOTHING IMPORTANT / SIGNIFICANT by large/mainstream society & most people today…!
We live today -ironically- in the very restricting, over-stressed, superficial/shallow, mundane, and hopeless & degrading era of humanity … and WHY shouldn’t I just kill myself now so to finally simply just f*cking shed-off this cursed limiting physical body of mine, and get out from this f*cking damn LIMITED, BORING life/world / reality ???…
(PS: I’m not an ’emo’ teenager or 20’s something, but I’m a ‘unique, weird, alien’ 32 years old Asian/chinese guy who merely always have very weird, eccentric, & imaginative mind/thinking,… and who still stays/dependent -unfortunately/sadly- in a “normal” family/parents’ house, and their so-called “job/business”, obviously for me, a f*cking damn boring, mundane everyday’s “job/business” that honestly I don’t give a f*ck / damn about it all …!!)
I’m sorry, mom
I’m sorry, dad
I’m sorry, friends
I’m sorry, Family
I’m sorry, body
I’m sorry, mind
I’m sorry, teachers
I’m sorry, voice
I have failed all of you at one point… or every day.
Mom: I’m sorry I am not like my brother, I’m not made of gold and jewels. I am not skinny, smart, good looking, or good at anything. I am sorry I am failing school, I am sorry you are embarrassed to call me your daughter. I am sorry that you are ashamed to be in public with me because I am not thin like all the other girls. I am sorry I don’t do make-up and my hair, I am sorry I can’t be like them. I understand if you want me gone so you can stop looking at how much of a failure and hopeless waste I am. I am truly sorry I am not what you want me to be. I really am.
Dad: I am sorry I was born a girl. I am sorry that I am not good enough for you to love me as much as you should. I am sorry that I must be bad enough that you ignore me, and when you don’t ignore me, you criticize me. I am so sorry that I have failed you at not being your “perfect girl”……
Friends: I am sorry that I haven’t done my job. I am sorry that sometimes I try too hard to fit in and it shows and it embarrasses you. I am sorry that I am unsocial and have bad depression. I am sorry that there is no way of changing me into a thin, fun, and always happy girl… I am so so sorry. If I could change, I would.
Family: Mom and Dad, I already apologized to you. But to my brothers, I am sorry that I cause you stress and grief. I am sorry that I am not a fun little sister, I am sorry that I am hopeless and cause Mom and Dad stress. I am sorry that I can’t talk to you, I’m sorry that I can’t comprehend everything you say. I am sorry I can’t obey.
Body: I am sorry, I am sorry that you have scars. I am sorry that you have stretch marks. I am sorry that I have beaten and bruised you. I am sorry that you aren’t perfect. I am sorry that you are in pain so much, I am sorry that you have to deal with being the center of my harassment most of the time. I am sorry that you are full of lumps and bumps and mounds. I am sorry that you are being compared to every other girl’s body and are so different. I am sorry.
Mind: I am sorry that you are so screwed up. I am sorry that I have killed you. I am sorry that you have been lost and hurt so many times. I am sorry that you are filled with so much negativity. I am sorry that you are not being used properly and that you are underdeveloped. I am sorry that I put the wrong things on you and that I abuse you. I am sorry.
Teachers: I am sorry I can’t pass your classes. I am sorry that you are upset because I am not smart enough. I am sorry I get so many things wrong, I am sorry that you have to deal with my stupidity. I am sorry that you have to see me every day and have to deal with being around me. I know you don’t like me, and you know that I wish I could be better. I wish I could be.
Voice: I am sorry that you are left out. I am sorry that you are silent. I am sorry that you are used for the wrong words. I am sorry that you have to deal with being a part of me. I am sorry that you are being forced to be a part of me, I feel sympathy for you. That such a beautiful voice is being wasted on someone like me. I am so sorry.
If I could disappear, I would be doing everyone a favor. If I could make my lungs stop expanding, I would. If I could make my heart stop beating, I would. I wish I could make all your lives easier by just not being here. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, mom.
I’m sorry I fail to meet your expectations every day, I’m sorry I’m not doing well in school.
I’m sorry I’m not thin, or athletic, or pretty enough for you to be proud of me.
I’m sorry I am so torn up inside, I’m sorry I have chronic depression.
I’m sorry I don’t talk and walk like the girl you wish I were.
I’m sorry I have different opinions on what is worth my time.
I’m sorry I don’t do everything right the first time.
I’m sorry I can’t function correctly.
I’m sorry I am sad most of the time, I’m sorry I am a lot to handle.
I’m sorry I’m a failure, I’m sorry I’m not smart enough to make you happy.
I’m sorry you have to deal with what I am…
There’s not a moment where I think about killing myself/committing suicide. I’ve already tried twice, but I couldn’t do it. I tried to drown myself in the tub. The water was just about up to where my head was at. I put my face/wash towel over my face so I couldn’t breath at all. Then I laid back in the water. I started thinking what if I really did just kill myself right here and now? Would anyone care? I’d finally be free of pain and torment. I doubt I’m going to heaven, if it’s even real. I’m an atheist. Just as I was about to pass out I got out the tub, dried off and then went to my room and locked the door. I had a really bad breakdown. That was just not to long ago actually : / The urge is getting harder, tho I don’t want to commit suicide I’m constantly thinking about it. I just wanna die. I feel as if death is the door to a new beginning. I don’t think I deserve to even live. I’m lazy, don’t do any sports. I don’t like people, or really find joy in anything. I have friends but we barely talk. I don’t even want friends anymore. I just want to be left alone by everyone. No one has ever really bullied or picked on me. I’m not fat, or some “nerdy loser” Im not ugly lol. I just.. I don’t know actually. School starts soon too. I fucking hate school and especially cause I go to a catholic school. It’s so awkward and weird for me having to pray, and kneel and all that bs. My whole family and almost all of my friends are Christians. Im an atheist, and a third eye enthusiast. If my mom knew she’d probably force me to get baptized and try to exorcise me. She always finds a way to bring god into every fucking single conversation. I really don’t wanna hear any of it.
Ik this is already long enough but there’s more.
So I’m severely depressed, I’ve been depressed for 3 years now. I tried telling my mom and all she said was pray and get over it. I told her some serious deep shit, more than just being depressed. I hate telling people about my problems and all she fucking suggests is praying?! I wanted to kill the ***** right there. I fucking hate her. She walks around the house all day pretty much making sure everything is in place and that my room is clean. She never cleans her damn room. There’s clothes every where and mail in her room. She also walks around singing and humming these annoying ass gay songs that nooo one likes. She doesn’t even know the lyrics so she just hums the beat and sings like the first two or three words over and over. Sometimes she does that for hours. Even my dad can’t stand it, then she just says the fucking stupidest things. When we were in Hawaii last month she said kids ( me and my big sister) you need to respect the water. How the fuck do you respect water?!? We were playing in the water not dumping oil and shit in it. Then she kept taking photos of us every five minutes. And saying one day you’ll look back and remember this from one of these pictures. The vacation sucked ass cause her and my dad wouldn’t let us do any of the fun shit we wanted too. Then they’re always so cheap, I understand the cost of things, house and mortgage bills and gas prices. But we’re not fucking poor, she tries to keep us in the same clothes and shoes for years. She acts like she can’t take me to the mall every few months just to get some new clothes or shoes. The shoes don’t have to be $500.
She always lies to me and my sister. She says she’s busy but then all she does is stay home all day and watch tv. I’m not exaggerating. And play this stupid computer game she’s obsessed with called chuzzle. My best friend got so pissed at her once and didn’t wanna come over for awhile. She didn’t know of course. But for weeks she has been saying that he could spend the night, so finally one day we go pick him up. He stays for like the whole day. Then around night time she’s like umm Donnell I’m about to go drop you off, I’m busy. Then I’m like but… You said he could spend the night. She’s like yea another time. When we get back home I’m pissed too, then she starts watching The Walking Dead. She’s so caught up in the old ways. She won’t even let me or my 16 year old sister have cellphones. My sister is constantly getting into it with her because she’s fucking dumb. On her so called sweet 16, my dad gave her like $100. I have her $20 something. My mom gave her nothing and forgot to pick up the cake. She didn’t even make an effort to get her a birthday card or go get the cake. Some sweet 16, yea 100 dollars.. Woo. She already had some extra money too. Anyway my mom lied like always and said she would give Sarah some money. 2 weeks later… No money. We went to the mall and my sister bought so much stuff., well clothes. The whole time my mom was like no you can’t wear this or that or that. And you need to stop trying to look sexy for these boys. Wtf?!? She’s not even interested in any of these dirty ass boys out here. She’s just getting clothes she likes. My mom sure does talk alot, alot of her clothes show skin and are too small. She always wears tight jeans that show her old crusty ass. And shorts that barely come past her waist. Sometimes these long ugly Bermuda shorts. Then her hair is fucking dyed like dark red or something idk. It’s ugly as fuck. It looks like a fucking field of bird feathers tf. If you say anything about her being annoying and asking her to stop she just gets louder and ignores you. All she does is yell and talk about Jesus and saving. ***** needs some saving. Even my grandma is cooler than her. She never let’s us go anywhere. When we actually have plans and have talked to her about it, she always ends up changing her mind. Then I have to text friends back like hey sorry, can’t make it/come. Then the fact that I have an iPod 4… I’m thankful that at least I have a Mobil device.. Kinda. But do you know how embarrassing it is to say hey I won’t be on for awhile.. My mom is taking my fucking IPOD?! I’m not spoiled at all but really. I know there are kids who don’t have parents at all or iPods. Or shoes or clothes. But I’m not those kids. Then my dad.. That’s a whole nother book. Anyway my mom is a total *****. She’s shown me everything not to be as a parent, so has my dad. I hate him too. Infact I hate everyone in my family, I can’t stand any of them. Especially my parents. How they even met is one of the gayest, faggiest things ever. Oh yea..
My mom seems to think I’m more focused on shoes than school. Well I am no shit, I hate school and she knows that. But umm try having to wear the same outfits all the time. I have 20 something’s shirts ok? Most of them are ones that I can’t wear out or long sleeve. I have abunch of jackets. I’m not tripping on that. On pants/jeans/shorts… Ehh it’s ok. I have like 5 pairs of shorts I think. I have enough stuff to wear for like 2 weeks. At the end of 2 weeks I’m stuck having to wear oversized and small shirts I found in the back of my drawers. And some small jeans or shorts. I’ve told her this many times… She never listens. She took me shopping yesterday. Umm I got a pair of shoes (Jordan’s) a Levi’s varsity jacket. Jeans and camo pants. And one of those faded blue denim shirts. I’m not complaining and I thanked her. But she was acting like that was so uncalled for and I do have things to wear.
So, you know the constant failings of out favorite superheros in their private life, like peter parker? I’m finding that the more time progresses, the more my life turns into a generic superhero movie without the superhero part. Maybe I need to get bitten by a mutated spider. Maybe I should introduce my brains to the wall. Idk. Tonight will tell.