I keep hearing people say, it gets better or that now I can start over fresh. They tell me to keep my chin up & my nose down. Keep myself busy, focus on work but remember to relax & take some time to enjoy things. They tell me I will feel better soon and the words sting like tiny cuts exposed to the cold black ocean. Every word they utter another crack at my facade & I wonder how much they see. They must see more than I think since most of my conversations end up here. Oh to be like my baby sister who denies herself food & cuts herself to express & release the pain. The emotions that drip from her in the shower & drain away allowing her to pretend once she’s dry. But I can’t allow it. Can’t sustain it.
I won’t disappoint you, mom. I’ll keep my depression behind closed doors where it belongs so the only people who know are you & your unheard prayers. Just keep praying I find someone & I’m not sad anymore while you & C look out for my baby sister. It’s not you’re fault, you love me & you’re afraid people will see me as weak & vulnerable which is YOUR greatest fear. I can keep hiding it but please know I reached out to you but you just couldn’t hear me because we speak such different languages. I love you & you are by far the strongest person I’ve ever known, without you I wouldn’t have lasted this long.
My own best friend barely knows me & that isn’t her fault. I just keep her at a distance to be safe & to keep her safe. Depression & introvert aren’t words she’s acquainted with familiarly. What she tries to understand about me, she misinterprets but I love her for trying. E makes me sorry I’m not a better friend.
I’ve always been this lonely, I’ve always been this sad but I’ve never been this hurt. What JB did to me & continues to do to me by listening, pretending, disappearing … Promising me a lifetime that I always dreamed of & then violently, cruelly and in the most vicious way possible, taking that away has left me literally broken. Not broken hearted, not emotionally scarred but broken. I can no longer function normally & have no more control over my darkest of thoughts. They cloud my mind so continually that even the most joyful things are lackluster & hold no spark. The family I adore, the job I’m proud of and the pet I idolize are all broken elements of a life shattered & unable to be reassembled.
So how can I fall into a slumber that lasts an eternity? Are there enough opiates filling the bottles near me or do I need to demonstrate a tougher will? The decision nears & I know my wavering is useless as the means are just a path to the same end every time. No matter what path, no matter what direction, no matter how many detours the end is always the same. A clean slate, a Blank Page.
Ps- to whomever keeps him his remaining years, please tell him leaving him was by far the most difficult & that I loved him everyday. If it’s not to much to ask, please let him sleep under the covers & with one of his babies.